Just for Show
by KillerxXxQueen
Summary: Kaoru has come to accept his feelings for Hikaru, but will it matter?
1. The Act

Everyone loves our act. They swoon, they cheer, they scream…

But that's just it.

I was never acting.

I am in love with someone who doesn't love me back. COULDN'T love me.

Mostly because he's my twin brother.

* * *

I awoke quickly, breathing fast, heart pounding somewhere near my Adam's apple. It wasn't a nightmare, though. It was a _good_ dream. Too good of a dream. I sat up, letting out some kind of whimper. 

"Kaoru? Are you okay?" came the concerned whisper from beside me.

"I'm—" I began, voice obscure. I cleared my throat and said, "I'm fine, Hikaru. It was nothing. Just go back to sleep."

"Did you have a nightmare?" he asked, heaving himself up on his elbow to face me. I turned away from him, trying to keep my _problem_ to myself.

"Just go back to sleep!" I ordered, beyond uncomfortable.

"You can tell me about it." His hand was on my shoulder now, squeezing gently. I bit sharply on my cheek to keep from making noise. "You were fidgeting. You kicked me."

"I don't want to talk about it!" I shouted, wrenching my shoulder from him. I could feel his hurt gaze on my back. "Please…I can't…Hikaru, I…"

"Forget it." Hikaru turned over too, shaking the bed. I squeezed my eyes closed, wishing I could talk to him, make it better.

At least he didn't leave. But I couldn't fall asleep after that, and I know he couldn't either. It made me sad, to know that I could hurt Hikaru that way, with just one comment…

One secret.

Hikaru just didn't want for us to be different in any way, or have different feelings. But I couldn't feel that way. If Hikaru were exactly like me, then I would only love myself, and what's so great about that? Such lonely, narcissistic feelings…

I could never love myself.

When our alarm went off, we both sat straight up. I gave him an apologetic glance, but he only shrugged, heading towards his shower. He paused when he reached the door.

"Kaoru…I'm sorry."

"No, I am. I shouldn't have dreamed that…I mean…" I felt my face heat up. "I'll tell you about it when…when I can. It's still…"

"Kaoru, you don't make sense sometimes." He said it with a smile, but I could tell that he was frowning inside, blaming me for being different…for not making sense to him when I should be exactly like him. I replied with the same kind of smile. He seemed to approve of that.

When we finally got to school, I couldn't say anything without feeling awkward. But it was fine. Hikaru talked to Haruhi, and I just sort of stood there, occasionally pitching something in for them to start on.

Hikaru liked Haruhi. I liked Haruhi too, just not like he did.

"…They're an American band, relatively new. They have some good songs, but they're kinda' hard to understand. Kaoru, what do you think?" Haruhi asked, smiling.

"I don't really listen to them. You should lend me some of their stuff." Both of their smiles dampened a bit. I'd been impartial to everything all morning, and I guess they were getting worried about me. "I'm kinda' tired. I think I'll go sit in the main courtyard for a while. Come find me if you need anything."

I made my way down, trudging slowly, trying not to think about that dream again. It kept popping random tidbits into my consciousness, each one wreaking its own kind of havoc.

_"Oh, Kaoru…please…"_

I stopped abruptly, hands trembling. I clenched them into fists, continuing down the stairs.

"Kaoru!" It was Hikaru, hand outstretched as he raced towards me. He finally caught up, panting slightly. I felt my ears color and tried not to notice it.

"Hikaru? What is it?"

"Kaoru, what's going on?" Hikaru demanded, grabbing my hand. "Why won't you talk to me?" He seemed almost _hurt_ by this. I just stared at him, forgetting how to speak. I noticed in passing that we had accumulated an audience—mostly girls.

"Kaoru, _talk_ dammit!"

"Hikaru…I can't. Not now…not in front of them…"

Hikaru frowned, but turned, pulling me by the hand to the nearest bathroom. After making sure we were the only ones inside, he continued looking expectantly at me.

"Well?" he prompted.

"Hikaru…please…" I pulled my hand back, looking down at the ground. "I…"

"Kaoru, what was in that dream?!" Hikaru was getting much angrier. "It was only a dream!"

"It was…you." It was only a whisper, but it seemed to hit Hikaru like a stone. "You were…" I couldn't say it. I couldn't tell him about it. "You left me…" I finished weakly. "You went with Haruhi. I was all alone."

"Kaoru…" He pulled me into him, and I bent my knees a little to rest my head on his chest. I felt like crying. "You know you'd always be there with me." He didn't mention anything about Haruhi, I noticed. "I love you, Kaoru."

"Hikaru…" I mumbled, trying to form a complete thought.

"Come on, we'd better go to the club now, or else milord will be furious."

"Or at least Kyouya will," I muttered as he let me go, taking my hand again.

"Get busy," Kyouya said shortly when we did get there, as I'd predicted. We both sat down, but I didn't feel good about the effects the club were having with my dreams. Just to be safe, I scooted my chair a bit away from Hikaru when I thought no one was looking.

"What do you like to do, Kaoru?" one of the girls asked. "What's your favorite thing to do when you can't sleep at night?"

"I—"

"I keep him company until we're too tired to do anything _but_ sleep," Hikaru smirked.

"Hikaru!" I snapped, turning to him. His grin disarmed me, like always, though. He pulled me closer, saying, "You're always so shy. Don't worry, Kaoru. I'll keep you awake tonight, too."

As the girls squealed, I glared at him.

"But…Hikaru, that was only because _you_ couldn't sleep!" I managed to protest, forcing my eyes away from a set of identical ones.

"I don't know, Kaoru. You weren't very tired either."

I sighed, sitting down. I wouldn't win this. If we continued any more, he was sure to mention that _dream_.

Oh no.

Now I'd done it.

Floods of images burst into my head, each one worse than the last. I prayed for someone to interrupt it, when Haruhi came over, two of her girls in tow.

"Can we sit with you?" she asked me politely. I nodded enthusiastically, scooting further from Hikaru, to let Haruhi sit between us. Her patrons joined ours, who were still reeling from our last act.

"Oh, Haruhi's here!" Suki, one of our faithfuls, stated, smiling at her as Haruhi shifted to get comfortable.

"Good afternoon," Haruhi said with a smile.

"He's so adorable," one of our others whispered.

I sat back and let the two of them handle the customers, wondering vaguely at the truth of my fake nightmare.

"Kaoru…"

"Mm?"

"It's time to leave."

"Okay."

As we left, I made sure to stay ahead of Hikaru, so as not to promote my looking at him or him talking to me. It was a very long, lonely walk, but it was better than talking to him. The drive was equally as long. I stared out the window, watching the world go by in a general blur, trying my hardest not to think at all. I didn't know how I was going to fall asleep that night.

* * *

It was late, and Hikaru thought I was sleeping, but I was only pretending. I heard every word he said. 

"Hello? Yeah, it's Hikaru. Listen, I was wondering…do you think Kaoru's been acting odd lately? …Yeah, me too." He seemed both relieved and troubled at the same time. "He said he had a nightmare last night, and he won't really talk to me about it. I mean, he did say something about it, but I think he was lying, because he's been acting so…he said that in his dream I left him all alone to be with…someone else, but then he's been avoiding me all day. It really doesn't add up to me…"

I felt horrible about myself. I made a show of groaning lightly and rolling over, hoping he would leave the room, at least.

"He's sleeping now. He might wake up if I keep talking." His voice had dropped to a whisper. "Yeah, I know. I can try, but…well, yes, but…okay. I'll try. I don't think he'd really go for something like that, though." He sounded displeased—abrupt, even. "Goodnight, Haruhi. Sorry to bother you." Hikaru hung up the phone and tried to get into bed without moving it. I pretended to stir, blinking groggily.

"Hikaru?" I whispered, looking over at him. He smiled delicately.

"Shh, Kaoru. Just go back to sleep." His voice was a light murmur, and I couldn't help but smile at him. I scooted closer to him, and he did the same, clasping hands. It felt so natural to do this, dream or no.

"What if I have a nightmare again?" I couldn't help but ask. Hikaru laughed softly, brushing my fingers against his lips. My stomach sloshed over on its side.

"I'll be here, don't worry." Even though he said it so flippantly, it meant so much. Even though he was pretending, I wasn't. I told you, I was never acting.

I pulled even closer to him and fell asleep.

* * *

In the morning, I woke up a good ten minutes before the alarm. Hikaru was dozing beside me. His arms had made their way around me in our sleep, and mine around him. I colored as I realized that our legs were entwined, too. 

"_Mmmm,_" he moaned, obviously having a _good_ dream, as I noticed something hard brushing my thigh. My face grew even redder. I pulled back slightly, trying to get away before I had a problem similar to my twin's. His arms, however, pulled me closer. I held my breath, squeezing my eyes closed…

And then…

"Yes…_Haruhi!_"

Just like that…

No need for worry. All color dripped out of my body altogether. Hell, my _vision_ even lost color.

But I already knew he loved her. Why did it hurt so much? I would always come second to her. Always, in Hikaru's eyes.

I lay there, trying to keep from falling into tiny shards as he writhed in ecstasy. When the alarm went off, Hikaru was jolted awake. I pretended to sleep, however, not wanting to be expected to ask anything.

Or to let him know what I'd _heard_.

"Oh…god…" I heard him choke. His arms pulled away from me, as did his legs, but I refused to let him go.

"Just a few minutes," I murmured blearily, clutching him lightly.

"K-Kaoru, we're gonna' be l-late," my twin stuttered, almost pain resounding in his voice.

"Eh?" I released him, sitting up and stretching. "Sorry about that. Still kinda' asleep I guess…" I trailed off, as he was almost running to his bathroom. "Hikaru?" I wanted to cause him as much pain as possible. He stopped at the door, looking over his shoulder, an expression of near-agony on his face. "Is something wrong?"

"Not…now…Kaoru…" he managed, slipping out and slamming the door behind him. I laid back down, frowning to myself. It was so gratifying, to see him in such pain—so much like my own—but I also couldn't stand it when he was hurt. Maybe I could just _talk_ to Haruhi…find out how she felt. But she liked milord…so troublesome.

I curled up more comfortably, deciding just not to shower that day. Only Hikaru would know, and he'd blame it on my sudden 'oddness'. Hikaru came back in a few minutes later, toweling off his hair. He froze just inside the room, staring at me, a puzzled look on his face.

"Aren't you gonna' shower?" he asked, a concerned note sticking in his voice.

"Just tired this morning," I answered dishonestly.

"You went to bed early, though," Hikaru frowned. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," I told him coldly, getting out of bed and crossing to the wardrobe. "What about you? Did _you_ have a nightmare?"

"I…no. I mean, not exactly."

"What? What is it?" I pressed. I knew I was being cruel, but I wanted to give him a taste. I took out a uniform and began undressing.

"I…don't want to talk about it." He looked down, ashamed of himself.

I crossed the room, shirt off, and put my hands firmly on his shoulders. He looked up at me, eyes vulnerable and pathetic.

"Hikaru, what happened? What did you dream about?" I asked him calmly. I could feel the daggers in my eyes.

"I…well…sorta'…" he sighed, looking down. "I had a…sex dream about…Haruhi." His voice was small, but at least he had admitted it. I could feel my inner, self-hatred rise when I considered my own cowardice…situations _had_ been different, but he could at least be honest. I pulled him into me and hugged him loosely.

"There, was that so hard?" I praised him, voice full of what my face could not show.

Astonishingly, he shoved me away from him.

"NO! Don't you understand?" He demanded, full of new passion. I blinked, not expecting such an outburst. "I…I _love_ her! I want her—need her—in so many ways! She won't even…she only cares about…" He couldn't even form actual words with the force of his passion. I watched as he broke down, face holding in so many different things…hurt, misery…need? I threw myself back into him as the first tears fell.

"She'll never love me…" he murmured wretchedly into my neck. I shuddered from the contact, the hot breath on my skin. "She only cares about _that_ guy." No more 'milord'. Only that guy.

"Hikaru," I muttered. "School…we have to go now…I need to get dressed."

My poor, miserable twin pulled his head up slowly, releasing me. I was dressed in two seconds, ready for him to take me in his arms again, but he merely rubbed his face with his sleeve, and, seeing that I was ready, grabbed his bag and left the room. I looked after him for a moment before running out myself, chasing him all the way to the car. We got in and it started off. Silence surrounded us.

"Hikaru?" I murmured, looking at him in what I hoped was understanding sympathy.

"Kaoru," he answered curtly, returning the look with scorn and looking out the window.

"Hikaru, please…" I whispered, reaching out for him. He turned and almost scoffed, but my expression softened him, and he took my hand.

"Kaoru…I can't explain it. It feels like…like I'm breaking…"

I moved closer and placed my other hand on his cheek. But I couldn't stop my inner contempt. He had no _idea_ what breaking felt like.

"I know, Hikaru." His head came crashing to my shoulder, his arms embracing my waist. "I know."

* * *

I don't recall much of that day. Hikaru didn't talk to Haruhi, and I didn't talk to anyone. I threw a few of my brother's acts awry during the club, and Kyouya just told us to leave. I sort of stood there, but Hikaru nodded, leaving the music room. 

"Kaoru? Or is it Hikaru? Whichever you are, what's been going on with you two lately?" Kyouya demanded angrily.

"Just dreams," I replied honestly, not looking at him.

"What are you talking about, Kaoru?" Haruhi asked from behind me. "Have you two been having nightmares?"

"Not nightmares. Just dreams." I felt like crying as I said it. That was all they were, but we were letting them rule our lives…our relationship…

Everything.

"Well, come with me for a second. I'll be right back, okay Kyouya-senpai?" It was a question, but not one that required an answer. As if anyone of us could actually say 'no' to Haruhi.

Haruhi led me by hand to the large window in the hall. She gazed out calmly, and I watched my feet as they did nothing. I noticed in passing that one of my shoes was untied.

"Kaoru, Hikaru told me what happened."

"I know."

"Do you want to talk about it? I know that it would be hard to talk about with Hikaru."

"No, you don't," I muttered curtly. She didn't seem phased.

"He doesn't like anything that makes you two different," she shot back keenly. "If you were scared of something he wasn't, he'd be mad, right?"

"Haruhi…" I looked at her smiling face. She looked so happy, so effortlessly blissful…so unaware of how tortured my brother was by her. "Hikaru l-…well, he likes you. A lot."

She looked stricken. "What?"

"Are you so sure that you're right, now?" I was trying to be rude; trying to make her stop talking to me.

"Kaoru, what are you…Are you…" I could feel her disbelief, her amazement. I felt even worse about myself as I wondered vaguely what she'd do about it…if she'd tell him I told her, like she told me he told her about my 'dream'.

"And since I'm sure you'll report this back to Hikaru anyways, I'm not telling you anything."

I made to storm off, but Haruhi caught my arm.

"But…but Kaoru…He didn't even _talk _to me today! How could he— "

"He had a wet dream about you last night."

Her face turned bright red, and she made a sort of choking sound in the back of her throat, letting go of my arm. I didn't leave, though, wanting to see her reaction.

"B-but…that could mean…I mean, just because he d-dreamt that…" she stammered, but I cut her off.

"Haruhi, he told me. He was…He was _crying_, okay? He…" I felt the water build up somewhere behind my eyes, and tried to build a giant emotional dam, but it fell down as I said, "He really…fucking loves you."

Haruhi was stunned as I cried there, seemingly unsure of what to do. I swiped at my face with my sleeve, trying desperately to stop crying, but every time I did, I would see him in my head, feel his tears on my neck…

"Don't cry, Kaoru," Haruhi said gently, holding a handkerchief up to my eyes. I opened them carefully, looking down at her smiling face. "We'll all be fine." At my questioning glance, she replied, "I like him, too."

* * *


	2. The Aftermath

It was revolting how quick it was after that. Haruhi and my brother, that is. I suppose I should have been happy for Hikaru, but I couldn't do it. As he grew happier and brighter, I withered, growing thinner and blander. People could tell us apart, simply because I was miserable and Hikaru wasn't.

Haruhi noticed. Haruhi cared. I suppose that's why Hikaru loved her; she was a very loving person.

But I didn't want that sympathy. I didn't want that anguish.

Some days, she would come home with us.

Some days, Hikaru went to her house. Those days drove me insane. I would break things, I would scrape my hands and arms purposely, just to feel anything except the looming torture of Hikaru's first real happiness without me.

They would hold hands and kiss when they thought no one was looking. Hikaru became more distracted during club duties, and I sometimes had to carry on entire conversations by myself…

By myself…

Alone.

Ever since the world of Us had began, I'd never had to worry about being alone, so I'd never thought about what it would feel like. Now that it was over, that _We_ were over, I began to wish I had, if only to prepare for this endless torture. I never dreamed about Hikaru after that. I never dreamed _again_ it seemed.

It was almost three weeks later when it happened.

"No, we've never really been too good at sports, right Hikaru?" It was as pointless as talking to air.

"Eh? Oh, yeah yeah. All the time," he said, not knowing what I was saying, only hearing his name.

"I've heard that Hikaru's been holding Haruhi's hand lately. Have they started dating?" Suki asked me quietly. Hikaru didn't even hear her, as he was gazing fondly at the brunette over her shoulder. Unfortunately, Kyouya happened to be passing by.

"Kaoru?" he whispered, gazing at my twin. "Is it true?"

I kept my mouth shut, knowing it would betray me. Instead, I shrugged, saying, "Well, I wouldn't know."

"Ehhhhh????!" the girls gasped. "B-but…you're twins!!! Wouldn't you have some sort of…"

"We don't share the same brainstem, just DNA," I tried not to snap, but it was a bit more angry than any tone I'd ever used in front of the guests.

"We'll talk later," Kyouya murmured to me, straightening up and returning to his own table.

"What were we saying?" Hikaru asked blearily, looking at me with glazed eyes.

"Nothing particularly. You haven't been drinking your tea! And I went through so much trouble to get it how you like it…" I sighed, trying to get him to play along. "It's cold, now…"

"Oh, Kaoru…" He grabbed my face and pulled me closer. "You know how much it means to me. Please, don't cry…I'll drink it, okay? Please, don't cry…"

But it was too late. I was crying. Not because of the tea; screw the tea.

I was crying because these acts were the only way that my twin brother would pay attention to me, and as I have mentioned, I wasn't acting. I just wanted to feel his hands again. It bothered me that his hands were warm against my skin. We would usually always be the same—exactly the same!!!—temperature and all.

"Kaoru, it's you who is cold. You feel like ice. Are you okay?" he continued, using that same, husky tone that I wanted so much to be real, and for me…but…

"I'm fine, as long as I have you with me…"

'But you're leaving me, aren't you?' I wanted to add, but I couldn't. Not in front of everyone…not in front of Hikaru…not in front of myself.

"Kaoru…"

"Hikaru!"

I curled into him, his warmth around me, comforting me, even if it was pretend, if only just for now. I wanted to drown myself in it.

"Hikaru?" I murmured, some time later. He was a lot more focused now, keeping up his end of the conversation.

"Yes, Kaoru," came the immediate attention I had so missed.

"Hikaru? Kaoru? Can we join you?"

It was Haruhi and three other girls. I stiffened, but Hikaru welcomed them warmly. Haruhi sat between us, secretly holding Hikaru's hand beneath the table.

I intentionally inhaled a small portion of my tea, excusing myself to the bathroom. Even Kyouya wouldn't let any of us die. It would lower income.

I settled myself out in the hall, forcing myself to continue choking. It was punishment for being a coward and a bad brother.

"Um…Kaoru?" came the voice. I whipped my head around to see Suki, one of my classmates who had been with us since the club opened. But there was no us anymore, was there…? It would only be a matter of time before Hikaru started sitting with Haruhi, right? There would be no more need for me, the forgotten twin.

"Yes, princess? Is there something you need?" I called hoarsely. She merely sat down beside me, looking straight ahead. I did too, no longer wanting to see at all.

"They are dating, aren't they." It wasn't a question. "Are you okay, Kaoru?" I tried to laugh a little, but just ended up coughing again.

"Kaoru…Doesn't he know what he's…I mean, can't he _see_?! He's supposed to be your twin, you look exactly alike, but he can't tell that you're…"

"And what am I, Suki?" I wondered aloud. "Without Hikaru, I shouldn't even exist. I _can't_ exist without him…"

"But…But, Kaoru…you_ are_ two different people." It was a simple, honest statement, but I couldn't help it. I began to cry. Silently, in the middle of that giant academy, somewhere in the halls, I, Hitachiin Kaoru, lost the last bit of spare moisture in my body. I didn't even remember fainting.

* * *

"-ru?! Kaoru?!"

I stirred, lifting up my head, only to put it back down. I didn't want to open my eyes, but it happened anyway. The lights were bright, and my head, already pounding, seemed to split in two. I sat straight up so I didn't have to see that glare as I tried to get a grasp of my whereabouts.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru's arms wrapped around me, and I was stunned. I couldn't hug him back. He let go and the others got a chance at me.

"We were so worried, Kao-chan!" Hunny cried, jumping into my lap. Mori nodded in agreement.

"Are you feeling any better, Kaoru?" Kyouya asked.

"Where am I?" I inquired, as he was the most likely to know.

"My family's hospital. You passed out from dehydration. Just what have you been doing lately?"

I stiffened, noticing a needle sticking out of my arm. I glanced at it nervously, not liking needles very much. Hikaru was terrified of them, and I guess it rubbed off.

"Nothing really," I answered honestly.

Wait…

My arm…

They can see my arms…

I tried to pull them behind me discreetly, but Kyouya caught my wrist, giving me a warning look.

"I think I need to speak with Kaoru alone," he announced calmly, icy flares rolling off of him in warning. The warning was: 'Obey me or die.'

Everyone meekly made their way out, each with their own pitying look. The most inflaming one came from Hikaru, who was being borderline brotherly.

I didn't really notice anyone else.

"Kaoru, what's been going on with you and Hikaru?" Kyouya demanded in a low voice as the room emptied.

"It's…It's nothing to trouble yourself with, Kyouya," I responded quietly.

"I can't accept that answer."

"Kyou-"

"No, listen. Guests come to see you and Hikaru be the way you were, and are leaving disappointed. If you don't tell me right now what the _hell_ is going on, I'll just bring Hikaru and Haruhi in here to sort this out for myself!" He was furious, of course. It was all business to him…but underneath, you could see that he really cared about us all. He just had a reputation to uphold.

"Kyouya…not in here, okay? I just want to-"

"_Yes_ in here, I need to have a word with you three!" He stormed out, reentering with the other two. "Someone start explaining!" Kyouya roared, nearly violent.

I silently covered my arms.

"Well…"

"Haruhi! Hikaru! There have been rumors flying around that you are dating. Are they true?" His voice had quieted, but the rage had not left it.

Hikaru was the one who spoke. "Yes, Kyouya," he muttered.

"And did either of you even _consider_ the effect that this would have on the club? Hikaru, what about your guests? Haruhi, what about your debt? What about Tamaki? You two have no idea how hard this will be to contain…" A hand rose to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Kaoru? Did you know about this?"

"…Yes."

"And did you try to stop it?"

"I…I sort of got it going…"

"What happened to your arms?"

"…I…"

"Yes?"

"I don't know."

"Is that so…Well, for today, just get some sleep. I'll figure out how to pull this off tomorrow. Kaoru…do you feel well enough to go home?"

I thought about it for a second. I could go home and bask in the new attention from Hikaru, sleep in his arms again…

"No. I don't think I can go home yet. I don't even think I could get to school tomorrow." It was a lie, but I didn't want to feel whatever Hikaru made me feel by pretending to care about me. I'd rather bask in my own misery and pray that everyone would leave me the hell alone.

"Alright then. Hikaru, Haruhi, let's let him sleep now."

"But…Kyouya…"

"**He. Needs. To. Recover."**

And that was that.

"Kaoru? You have another visitor."

It was Suki. She poked her head in, taking in the scene impassively. Kyouya sighed, but greeted her before ushering the others out.

"How come she can stay but we can't?!" Hikaru demanded indignantly. Kyouya frowned at him, and said nothing. The door swung shut behind them as a giant argument became audible just outside.

"Kaoru, are you feeling healthier?" I noticed that she didn't say okay. I smiled at that, relishing the long-distant feeling of being understood.

"I suppose." I felt a bit out of it still, but that was to be expected.

"You really scared me, y'know," she added, sitting down beside me on the bed. "I thought you might have a stroke or something."

"That scared you?"

'The fact that I might not have woken up scared you? Made you sad?'

"Of course it did! I care about you, Kaoru! We all do! Please…" she grabbed my hand, "please…take care of yourself a little better from now on. For me?"

I didn't know what to say, so I remained silent.

"Kaoru…What is this on your arm?" Suki whispered, tracing a long line with her finger. I looked at it too, not really seeing anything.

"Just a scratch." That's all they were. I hadn't cut any of them deep enough to leave a scar, just deep enough to sting, throb when I washed them. I made certain not to pick at them at all, so most of them were almost healed. The oldest ones had already vanished…

"Hitachiin-sama?" came another voice at the door. One of our servants poked their head through. "Your brother sent me here to make sure that you weren't well enough to come back home tonight. Are you feeling well?"

"No, I still need some time." My voice sounded extremely hollow to me for some reason.

"Very good, Hitachiin-sama. Please notify the house when you're ready to return home." She left, and I turned back to Suki, who was frowning at me.

"Why don't you want to see Hikaru?" she asked, hand still on my arm. She put both of her hands around it, leaning into me slightly.

"Because he doesn't see me anymore."

"What? What do you mean?"

"He can look at me, but he doesn't notice who I am anymore. He keeps looking at me and expecting to see his reflection…but…but don't I exist too?" The words escaped from some cavity in my chest. It seemed that there were more of them in there… "He can't keep pretending that we're both the same person, can he? He's got Haruhi, and I love…" That's where the words ended, the last word getting stuck in my throat. I couldn't dislodge it from where it caught, so I just didn't say it. I was breathing heavily, and Suki had pulled away from me somewhere in the middle of the words. The words…

They buzzed around in my head like angry hornets, grateful to be away and free from the dark pit in my gut. I felt that now, with the words out, I could eat again. I could live again.

But…no. I couldn't live without Hikaru. He completed me. I would never be the same without Hikaru right by my side. I shrank down again, all triumph I had felt about besting the words diminishing without another thought.

"Hikaru and Haruhi, huh?" Suki said, a slightly desperate color to her tone. "That wouldn't sell at all."

"That's Kyouya's problem," I muttered, grateful to push something—anything—on someone else. "Besides, I'm not going to school tomorrow. I'm just going to sleep until I can't anymore, and then probably take a walk…or something."

"You won't go to the host club?!" she demanded, beginning to panic.

"No. It'll work out, though. Mark my words…"

"Then I won't go to the club, either." She seemed persistent. "For the first time since I started going, I won't go."

"You don't have to boycott it. It's just for tomorrow. You _should_ go, actually. You need to report to me what I should be planning for when I _do_ go back."

I was playing a bad card, but I didn't care. I knew she wanted to see Hikaru, too. She didn't _only_ care about me. She loved Hikaru just as much. But the look in her eyes as she left made me wonder…

'Didn't she…?'

* * *

I slept almost all of the next day. In fact, I was awakened by the entire host club, with Suki in tow.

"Kaoru!" they all cried together, Hunny lobbing himself at me, Tamaki blathering on about something irrelevant and having to do with flowers, and Hikaru kissing the top of my head. Suki pulled a chair up next to the bed, and Haruhi sat by my feet. Hunny jumped up to sit on Mori's shoulder, who proceeded to lean against the wall. It was Kyouya that spoke next.

"So, we're not in any kind of trouble anymore. The girls found Hikaru's new love interest very appealing and we've been getting many bookings. Kaoru, tomorrow, you're going to play the lonely but glad-for-his-brother character. It'll be interesting to see how this plays out." The last bit seemed to be to himself as he scribbled something down on his clipboard. Suki grimaced sympathetically, but no one else seemed to be paying attention.

"How are you, Kaoru?" Hikaru asked lightly, still standing next to him. I sat up and moved over to allow him room to sit down, which he did.

"Could be better," I remarked, frowning, but still trying to keep good humor. It was rather hard to do in a hospital. "Tamaki? How've you been holding up?"

The conversation turned into Tamaki ranting about 'the effects of this incestuous relationship' in correlation to the play family that he had developed on his own, and I relaxed, smiling a little from sheer nostalgia. As the time went on and other people started talking, I wilted a little, resting most of my weight on Hikaru. His hand found mine between us, and I felt that smile grow. My eyes fell shut, and I pretended to sleep, only to get closer to Hikaru. Here, and only here, could he be mine.

"Great, milord. You've managed to bore him to death," Hikaru shot at Tamaki, who was halfway through another little rant.

"No…no way!" Tamaki shouted, voice growing closer. "Kaoru? Kaoru, my son? You're not dead, right?"

I used this as an opportunity to push closer to Hikaru, whose arm wrapped protectively around my shoulders out of instinct, if nothing else.

"Milord, shut it. Everyone, out. Kaoru needs to sleep!"

There was a brief commotion as everyone filed out. Hikaru still held me close to him. I almost opened my eyes, but he began to speak.

"You too, Haruhi. I need to take care of him. He's…not right. Not like Kaoru."

"I understand, Hikaru. I'll call you later."

"I don't know…I might not be available. I need to talk to Kaoru, when he wakes up. I don't know why, but I think us being together is hurting him…"

"Oh…okay, then." She left, and I felt sort of guilty, seeing what I had done to them. But then Hikaru cradled me into him, laying us both down and pulling the covers around us. He pulled me very close to him, every part of us lining up, as if it were Us again…

"Why do you do this to yourself, Kaoru?" he asked harshly. "Why didn't I notice?…I couldn't see…Kaoru…I…" His hands were like iron, gripping me to him so fiercely, I felt like I could break at any second. "We're twins…always together, always the same…but somehow I didn't notice that you were hurt. I'm sorry, Kaoru. I fail as your older brother."

"You're fine, Hikaru." He didn't jump. He knew I'd been faking. "I'm the one who's…who's broken."

"No. No, I won't believe it, Kaoru. You aren't broken, right? If I turn to look at you, you'll be smiling like always, right?"

I reached up behind him and turned off the light, gripping him to me almost as tight as he held me. I let my hair mix with his, but it was the same anyway. We were together again, and it felt right. "Hikaru? I don't want to lose you."

"What? Lose _this_?" We squeezed each other, our foreheads touching.

"Aren't you uncomfortable, Hikaru?" I wondered aloud, noticing that he was still wearing his entire uniform, including the shoes.

"It's nothing compared to being away from you for so long."

"I'm being serious!"

"So am I."

"Stop _playing _with me!"

"…What do you mean?"

"Holding me like this, saying those _things_ to me…"

'Making me think that you care about me…'

"Kaoru, you're not making any sense. We always do this."

"Please, Hikaru. Please be serious with me. I…I…" I couldn't think of what to say. I couldn't word my thoughts in any way that wouldn't shock Hikaru so much…push him away from me in every way conceivable.

Hikaru slackened his hold and sat up. For a moment, I thought he would leave, but he took off his jacket and shirt, his shoes, his pants…

"Hikaru…"

He put his arms around me again tenderly, our faces just apart enough to look at each other. I felt so shy, lying this way with my brother while being so vulnerable…so broken.

"Just tonight, Kaoru. I'll be serious with you, just for tonight." It wasn't his usual voice. It was softer, but it was harder too. _This_ was being serious.

He leaned forward, hesitating, but our lips met gently at first, but growing harder. I found that I wanted this. I _liked _this. His hands were on my lower back, mine on his chest. I wound one up into his hair, stroking it tenderly at first, and then knotting it in as his tongue and mine moved feverishly against each other. I couldn't think, couldn't ask where this was leading…until he suddenly stopped.

"Hikaru?" I asked tentatively, watching his face.

"Kaoru…do you love me?" he demanded suddenly, eyes blazing.

"What? I…I mean, of course. But…"

"So, you had that dream about _me_?"

"Ye-what? What dream?"

"Kaoru, I was awake. I heard you."

He knew…

He knew…

He knew…

And he still did _that_.

"Why?" I whispered, staring into his face.

"Why what?" Hikaru met my gaze. "Kaoru, I still love Haruhi, but…I won't leave you so alone anymore. I guess…I just wanted all of us to be together…"

I couldn't help it. I felt so ashamed, so…taken advantage of. I rolled over, letting my tears begin.

He said he was serious…

But he was only acting that way.

* * *


	3. The Offense

I couldn't take it.

Hikaru pretending to care about me…

Haruhi pretending not to notice my torment…

Being away from Hikaru so much…

I was at my own lonely table between Tamaki and Hunny, and I couldn't get up the will to smile. I wanted to smile at the pretty girls around me—especially Suki, who knew how to understand me—but every time I would try, some explosion of fan-joy would explode from where my old table was…the one that now held my brother and Haruhi…

How I hated that _I_ was the one to have to move…

"Kaoru?" It was one of mine. I had managed to keep her after Hikaru had left.

"Yes, princess?" I asked softly, gazing at her in utter woe.

"Does it hurt?"

I worked up a tear, and turned away from them slightly. As it trailed down my cheek, I answered, "These are tears of joy for my brother who must be happy elsewhere…" It got some fan waterworks going, but Suki handed me her handkerchief and excused herself.

"I wonder where she's going…" one of my new customers murmured, watching after her. I dabbed my eyes with the silk square, happy to have found such a good person amongst the fans.

"Oh, Kaoru." Kyouya was passing by, clipboard in hand. "We're going to be doing a French cosplay sometime next week, and I need to order costumes. What would you like to be?"

"Oh, I'll just be whatever Hikaru is," I smiled.

"No, that won't work anymore. He's going to match with Haruhi now. You need to think of something different."

"Then…well…"

"What about a French Dragoon?" Suki shot out, popping up behind the other guests. "It's classy and popular. Or a French painter."

"I've already gotten the misfortune of being the beret-toting-Parisian-scum, handed to me by his highness himself, the King of France." Irony rolled off him in great, cascading waves. Kyouya was always _such_ a happy person…

"What are Haruhi and Hikaru going to be?" I asked slowly, eyes down.

"They're going to be the upper crust…ironic, isn't it? The commoner and her lout…"

"Don't call him that!" Suki reprimanded him. "He's Kaoru's _twin_ after all…In front of him-"

"It's okay, princess," I intervened, looking up at them. "My brother, to Kyouya especially, has been a major pain in the-"

"My, my…"

My eyes leapt to the source of the voice, finding my slightly older brother, thankfully alone.

"Do you really think so poorly of me, Kaoru?"

I made to jump into his arms, but he shook his head infinitesimally, imperceptible to anyone who wasn't familiar to Hikaru like I was. Instead, I hung back, arm awkwardly crossing in front of me.

"You put a terrible burden on Kyouya's shoulders without any kind of prior warning."

"But brother, you can't stop true love."

"Hikaru?" It was a passing Haruhi. Hikaru smirked, pulling her into a long, lingering kiss. Some of the girls were very enthused by this. Others voiced their disapproval.

"Hikaru, I'm going to ask that you refrain from those sorts of acts in public," sniffed Kyouya, jotting in his notebook. "You're making a complete fool of yourself." My brother shrugged and led Haruhi by the hand back to their table.

"Kyouya, may I be excused?" I asked him. "I can't do this today."

Kyouya looked at me for a long while, but then sighed, nodding. He caught my arm as I stood up, saying, "Kaoru, how did you let this happen? We're all suffering here. Tamaki's getting restless. I think he's going to do something drastic."

"I…I'm sorry Kyouya," I whispered, taking my arm and making my way out of the room.

"Kaoru?" It was Suki. The poor girl. She must have been confused.

"Yes? I was about to leave."

"W-would you like some company?"

"…sure."

Just like that, Suki became my ever-present companion. Everywhere I went, she would come. I don't remember when it happened, but I eventually started following her around, too. Hikaru never spoke to me, except to exchange pleasantries. I won't lie, it hurt. It hurt like hell. I couldn't get free of my love for him. When he slept, I would hold his hand. I had missed this contact most of all, even more than that night at the hospital.

But I never held Suki's hand. Not once.

"Kaoru! Come look at this!" she would laugh. I would smile and follow her voice to view whichever new toy she would find to amuse herself with.

We would always find each other when we were upset, but neither of us would mention it, or acknowledge the fact…

Until one day…

"Kaoru?" WE were in her family's library, alone, looking at the various books.

"Yes, Suki?" I was reading about conjoined twins, a concept that had always fascinated me.

"I was adopted." She was very upset. I pulled her into me, holding her there, books forgotten beside us. "These people took me in so hey could raise me to marry their son. He's…been very interested in me, lately."

It had broken that unspoken agreement. As I held her miserable body to mine, the weak threads that made up my resolve began to deteriorate.

"I don't want to marry him. So I…I was wondering…if you and I…if we could…"

"Us get _married?!_" I was shocked, needless to say.

"No! No, not that, but if I could introduce you to them I mean, the Hitachiin would be a good business alliance for my father…"

"Is…is that what this is? You want to get close to our name?" I kept my voice cold.

"No! No, please!" She looked at me with shining eyes. "No, I've greatly enjoyed our time together! I just thought…maybe you could help m-me."

I couldn't say no. She introduced me to her father and I to my family. Hikaru looked strange as I showed her to him and Haruhi (a tad unnecessarily). I suppose it was a surprise for Suki to see Haruhi actually dressed like a girl, but Haruhi didn't seem to mind.

We had a lot in common, as it turned out. We had never really talked about ourselves, so when we did, each new thing was a surprise. We both liked storms, manga, slow music, kotatsu, and we were both in love with someone that didn't love us back. I pretended not to realize, but there was no doubt that she loved me. A month after I'd formally met her father, she confronted me.

"Who is it?!" she demanded. "Is this person the reason you were in the hospital? The reason you can hardly eat? Answer me, goddammit!" She was fairly hysterical at this point. All I could do was stand there. I pulled her into me again, despite her protests. "Kaoru! Let me go!" the girl screamed.

"Not until you calm down," I whispered, beginning to weaken.

"Not until you answer me! Who is it?!"

"Don't…Suki, don't ask me that…" I was crying. I let her go, turning away from her, trying to remember how to get out of here—here being her bedroom. Her mansion was huge and confusingly laid out.

"Kaoru…you have to talk about it. I know it's still hurting you." Her hand was on my shoulder. "I…I'll listen to anything you say."

"It would only hurt you," I whispered, deciding to play unfairly. "I know how you feel about me, Suki." I wiped my eyes clear, spinning around to face her.

"What? What do you—?"

"Suki," I interrupted her, "please be honest with me. I've stayed by your side, knowing your feelings. Saying them wouldn't change anything." But she shook her head.

"It would. It would change everything. You would have that over me."

"I don't want power over you. I have too much already."

"But then I'd know…"

"Know what?"

"That you really are just pretending."

"…I never pretend."

I pulled her close to me, looking carefully into her bright blue eyes. She tried to protest, but I leaned in and kissed her softly. She resisted at first, pulling back slightly, but then she turned into jelly for me, leaning into my arms. It wasn't a passionate kiss, not Hikaru's, but it was nice. It didn't develop into anything unpredictable.

"I…I love you," Suki whispered, hesitant and very red.

"I know." It was cold of me, I admit, but I couldn't say such a thing back. She sat down on her bed, and I settled beside her, wrapping my arms around her. She placed her head on my shoulder, forehead on my neck.

"Why won't you tell me?"

"Because…if I admit it, I'll be stuck with it."

* * *

A week passed since that day. We didn't mention it. She did, however, manage to find ways to brush against me, inconspicuously, but completely intentionally: under the table during club hours, a pat on the shoulder or back during class breaks, a bump in the halls… 

It was nice to be given the extra attention, even though we were together almost every moment out of the school…

Just like it used to be with Hikaru.

'Hikaru…'

I'd been thinking about him so much those days. _Too_ much. Every free second I had. I would see him, but it wasn't like the Hikaru that I had known. He had changed so much without me there. It was torture, to see him so different, so less a part of Us…

I had missed the days of Us…

If I could've wished for one thing, that would have been it.

We still slept in the same bed, but he would face away from me. If I tried to talk to him, he would always have an excuse. It was like he had written me out of his life. It was like I hardly mattered to him…didn't matter…

It was a weird thing, to not have any purpose to live for.

I had always thought that people who committed suicide were weak, but now…

Now I understood why they would do it.

* * *

It's unbelievable!" he raged, kicking the bed. I stood carefully out of range. "She said I forgot our quarter-year anniversary!" 

"_Did_ you?" I asked quietly, not wanting to incur my twin's wrath.

"I didn't know such a thing existed," he answered, flinging himself to the foot of the bed. He sat there, staring at the floor for a long while. I didn't know what to do, so I remained standing there, watching this stranger that I knew so well.

"I…missed you," he murmured after an extended period of silence.

I was stunned. "What?"

"I've missed spending time with you. We're always off doing…well, _girlfriend_ things, and we haven't really been able to chill, like we used to." He beckoned for me to sit beside him, and I easily complied. I would always do anything he wanted. He brought us crashing down to lie beside each other. He inched closer to me, lining our bodies up so we could cuddle.

"What're you—"

"Shhh…Kaoru. It's okay. Just for right now, okay? I'll be serious with you again."

"But…why?" I couldn't help but ask.

"I told you—I missed you."

* * *

That night was unlike any other experience I'd ever had. Hikaru hadn't been kind. He bit me, scratched me, hit me…while kissing me, while _touching _me in ways I'd never thought of before. I was painfully aroused long before he even addressed the issue, but he was too. I could hardly move as it was. When he grabbed it, it hurt, but everything felt so wonderful…my brother really is too cruel. Only that night… 

I savored every heart-wrenching moment of it.

When he decided that we were done, he dragged me into the shower, where he couldn't see me crying…but he heard it after a while.

"Kaoru? What's wrong? Don't be ashamed, Kaoru. It's okay." He pulled me into his arms, and I put mine around him, glad to be there again.

I was crying because my twin didn't care about me. I was crying because he was pretending to because of some sick sense of sexual gratification he needed, but obviously couldn't get from Haruhi. I was crying because he obviously wasn't being serious at all.

He was just pretending with me, like always.

"I love you, Kaoru."

"I love you, too."

"I'm sorry I did that. You're crying because you think you betrayed your girlfriend, aren't you?"

I had completely forgotten about Suki.

"Well, don't worry about it. Like I said, it was only for tonight." He paused, beginning to shampoo my hair. "Kaoru? Kaoru, what's wrong with you?!"

I couldn't help it. I fell apart. I grabbed onto Hikaru, pressing my face into his, kissing him fiercely, hoping he would get the message without me having to say it.

But he pushed me back.

"Kaoru, what is it?" He seemed slightly disturbed. He wanted me to say 'sorry, it won't happen again,' but I couldn't say it.

"Hikaru…please…don't ask me to say anything." I was weeping, unashamed, completely susceptible to his every breath. I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted him to love me. Wanted him to know exactly what I wanted, and give it to me, unreserved, unabashed, serious forever, not just 'tonight' or 'right now'. I wanted him to be mine, and mine alone, whatever that might mean.

* * *


	4. The Advice

Hikaru wouldn't talk to me after that.

I didn't blame him.

I felt like dying even more than before.

I wanted him to see me when he looked at me, someone to talk to—to _know—_instead of just some distorted reflection…

Who was supposed to do whatever he wanted. But isn't that exactly what I was?

Suki kept trying to get me to talk about it. What part of 'Don't ask me about it' is so hard to understand? I just can't admit it out loud. I've never said it before, so I just don't want it to be tainted. It's already loathsome enough inside my own head.

I'm in love with my twin brother.

…and I'd give anything not to be.

* * *

The day was over. For the first time since I'd known her, Suki had not come to the Host Club. It was a very lonely day. I supposed she was mad at me, or fed up with my sulking.

To be honest, I was too.

But for the first time in months, I had nowhere to go. Anywhere I could think of would be suffocated by the oppressive air of the 'Outside'.

The air of loneliness.

I couldn't help but shun anything that didn't involve me being by myself, and since this is what initiated the entire brainstorm, chiefly defeated the purpose. That is until…

"Kaoru, I think we need to chat."

I looked up, straight into the bespectacled eyes of Kyouya, who was frowning intently at me. I pulled back instinctively, feeling exposed under his gaze.

"Come home with me and we'll have a nice, long talk."

I nodded, nervous and showing it.

There wasn't much that Kyouya would want to talk about. He was a businessman, after all.

* * *

As I rode back beside him, I began to wonder just what Kyouya's home life was like. I knew about his family, but none of them seemed like the kind of people to function at all together in a single home, albeit a giant one. I still hadn't puzzled it out by the time we'd arrived.

The mansion was…ostentatious, a word I'd never gotten to use accurately before until seeing this place in person. It was the only word sophisticated enough to describe such a place. The gates and fence themselves were works of art, though when I mentioned it, Kyouya merely looked at them in disgust. I was confused by the gesture, but didn't question it. Whatever Kyouya's answer would be, it would only leave me with more questions. I decided to let it pass.

"Kyouya…"

"Please wait until we are inside," he interrupted, looking meaningfully at one corner of the vehicle. When I looked, I saw a very expensive camera, lens catching the both of us sitting there. I shut my mouth.

As I stepped out of the car, I was greeted by a very pleasant smell that I couldn't quite decipher before we got inside. I could tell Kyouya smelled it too, because his nostrils flared quite subtly and his pace quickened a hair.

I waited until we got into his room.

"What was that smell?"

"Irises. They're my mother's favorite," was the immediate answer. "And…mine, too."

"I didn't know you liked flowers, Kyouya."

"I don't. I just hate irises the least."

I sat down on a large white sofa, staring around in the large room. It really hadn't seemed so big the last time I'd been in there. Of course…

I had been there with everyone, with their laughter filling in the spaces.

"Kaoru?" Kyouya tugged lightly at my conscious, pulling me back to the present.

"Sorry. I lost myself for a second."

"Alright. Well…you know what I want to talk about. Talk."

"It's complicated," I shot automatically. He frowned, sitting down on the corner of the other couch, directly diagonal from me. I chose not to look at him.

"I have time."

"Not that kind of complicated. The kind where it's hard to talk about." My tone was childish, but I didn't care. Enough people were trying to get me to say these things that I couldn't say. "Don't you have any things like that?"

"…I did. But only until I met Tamaki. I can talk to Tamaki about anything, Kaoru, because he's my friend. I thought that I was yours."

"It's not that you aren't, it's just that I can't talk to anyone about this!" I was getting louder, but I controlled myself.

"Then why did you come if you weren't going to say anything?!" the youngest Ootori demanded, growing a bit frustrated himself.

"Because I—!" I bit off my words.

"What?"

"I didn't want to be alone." It was a mumble, but it should've left him satisfied. It was enough. It was all I intended to say.

But Kyouya didn't like to leave things like that.

"Why would you be alone? What about Suki? Hikaru? Any one of _us_ that you could've asked to spend time with?" I whipped my head up at that one. I stared at him in such agonizing hope, I watch the lines on his forehead and around his eyes weaken. "You're not as alone as you think you are."

"But…Kyouya, you…You don't understand!" I was shouting again. I stood up and yelled, "None of you understand!" I didn't cry. I didn't want to cry. I didn't run out, either, though. I really wanted to, but I couldn't make any of my body work. I was still wrapped around those words. 'You're not as alone as you think you are.' If only I had some sort of recording to play it over and over so it never left my head.

"What don't I understand, Kaoru? Enlighten me."

I was trembling. He would find it out. I would tell him myself. I could feel it then, in my very bones, in my inner self, I was quivering, because Ootori Kyouya knew how to break me down.

I balled up my fists. "You…I can't…please…"

"Please, what?"

"…don't tell the others…"

I couldn't help it. I knew he would get it out of me, eventually. My constitution was weakened as it was. I didn't need the prince of darkness breaking into my head and learning everything _his_ way. I had to tell him.

And it felt different.

Lighter.

Like I wasn't suffocating anymore.

"…and…he wasn't nice at all. He hurt me…a lot. And he liked it. He wanted to hurt something, and he knew I'd let him…"

"What kind of hurt? What did he do to you?"

I lifted my sleeve to reveal long scratch marks and healing bruises on my upper arm and shoulder. He sighed lightly and reached out to touch me, but I pulled away, surprised by the gesture.

"Kaoru…why? Why did you let him…I mean, you could've asked him to stop…"

"No, I couldn't. I'll take anything he has to offer me, and he knows it."

"But…why? Surely there's something that could justify his behavior."

"He apologized and said he'd never do anything like that again."

"Well, at least that's—"

"_No_ Kyouya! Weren't you _listening_?!" I was almost shouting again. I breathed very slowly. "He said he'd never love me like that. That he really was just pretending, just like I told him not to! He really doesn't…doesn't care at…at all." By the time I was finished, I was whimpering, and beginning to cry, but I didn't want to reveal that weakness to Kyouya, even though I'd basically explained every single thing I'd sworn not to tell anyone, not even to utter out loud while I was alone…

I was weak, and I knew it.

Hikaru knew it.

And now, Kyouya knew it, too.

But instead of jotting something down on his arm or something, he came and knelt beside me, cradling my fragile body to his firm, collected one.

"What am I supp-posed to do, Kyouya?" I asked him wetly, clutching at his shirt desperately.

"Shh, Kaoru, just calm down. I could tell you that everything will be okay, or that Hikaru will come around, but I honestly don't know how this will work out." He gripped my shoulders and pulled me back so he could look me in the eye. "I do know that it must have something to do with his relationship with Haruhi. You said that before he…well…that he had an argument with her? I think it's something about frustration. The worse she is to him, the worse he'll be to you. As much as it pains me to say, I hope they can patch everything up well…"

"You don't want her with him either, do you, Kyouya?" I hiccupped lightly and I smiled at him, a miserable smile full of despair and hopelessness.

"Well…it's pretty obvious now, isn't it?" He returned the same sort of smile, and I nodded. H laughed briefly, and released my shoulders.

"Kyouya-sama? Telephone," a maid said, popping out of nowhere. Kyouya nodded, taking the receiver from her. She glanced at me rather worriedly, and I looked down, feeling myself turn red.

"Your brother," Kyouya mouthed to me.

"I'm not here," I whispered back to him.

"Kaoru? No, he's not here. We dropped him back at your house a while ago. I didn't see him in; I had business to attend to…Well, I hope you find him. Good luck." Kyouya handed the phone back to the maid, who curtseyed clumsily before tottering out.

"Thank you, Kyouya," I muttered.

"Don't mention it. It won't take him long to find you, though."

"I know."

We sat in a bit of silence. Finally, Kyouya said, "I'll get a car ready."

"Don't bother. I'll call one of ours. Hikaru will probably be watching for your cars, anyway."

"…if you're sure."

"I am. But…thank you, Kyouya. For everything." I hoped my voice carried every inch of gratitude I felt. Kyouya deserved it, more than anyone I'd ever encountered in my entire life. I really had called him wrong on everything. Kyouya just made different sense than most people. He was a really nice person. I'd just never really noticed it until that moment. He'd always been kind to all of us.

But when I got into my room, I was silently cursing him for letting him keep me from where Hikaru was. He was furious.

"Kaoru, where did you go? No one knew. You had to be with someone; who was it?"

"No one, Hikaru. I just wanted to go for a walk."

"When were you crying? Your eyes are all puffy."

"It's just a little cold. My eyes have been running all day. The fresh air just irritated them. That's all."

"Why didn't you tell anyone you were going for a walk? Why wasn't anyone there in case you got in trouble?"

"Because I can take care of myself!" I shouted, tired of being interrogated. Hikaru seemed taken aback.

"Kaoru…?" He was looking at me as if I was a new person.

"Yes?"

"Are you…_did_ something happen to you?" His voice was full of concern, but I knew he was pretending. That was all he did.

"I'm fine." I spat tersely.

"Really? Kaoru, you can talk to me, you know. We've always been together."

"I don't feel like talking to you, Hikaru. I'm fine; there's nothing to talk about."

"…Then, what would you like to do?"

"Actually, I'm feeling kind of tired. Can I go to bed?" I didn't wait for an answer, walking over to my wardrobe and pulling off my jacket and shirt.

"Kaoru, what's going on? I'm confused." Hikaru was right behind me, hand on my abused shoulder. "Are you playing some kind of game?"

"I don't play games," I answered coldly, shrugging off his shoulder. As I unbuttoned my pants, he grabbed my by the forearms, pulling them between us.

"Kaoru, are you being serious or not. Please, tell me what you want to do tonight."

"Sleep, obviously…" But I was cracking. All of Kyouya's reinforcement was breaking down.

"What do you want to do before that?"

"…I—" The hesitation was all he needed to attack. Still holding me, he forced our lips together.

I tried to resist—I really did!—but…as I told Kyouya, I would take anything he had to offer to me.

He pulled my pants down to the floor with my other clothes, but in doing so, released my arms. I managed to push him away so he could see how hurt I was…but I was so vulnerable…so twistable. I would do what he wanted; he saw that and pulled my to the bed.

"Hikaru, please," I begged. He gave me a very sad look, but he pulled off his jacket, shucked the rest of his clothes, so we both remained only in our boxers.

"I'm very upset, Kaoru. I can't handle being told what to do."

"I…know. I'm sorry, Hikaru."

"That's better."

He lashed out at me. He threw himself on top of me, mouth trying to get at mine, fingers scrabbling at my skin, all of him trying to know me in such painful ways; I couldn't take it. I cried out sharply, but it was stifled in his throat. I tried flailing free, but his legs came down on me.

"Don't…struggle…"

"Hi…karu…"

He was so angry. I could feel it. I couldn't talk to him; he wouldn't hear it. All that was left in him was the instinct to destroy, and I was the only one there. He was going to break _me_. And there was nothing I could do about it.

* * *

It was horrible.

He made me…

do things…to _him._

I couldn't stand it.

It wasn't what I'd wanted.

When I said I love Hikaru, I didn't mean for this to happen.

I didn't want to be like a five-dollar whore to him.

I didn't want for him to think so little of me…of human emotion.

Strange things passed through my head after Hikaru had fallen asleep.

I wondered what Haruhi had to deal with.

I wondered how I'd face Kyouya the next day.

I wondered if Kyouya would keep his promise.

I really wanted to trust Kyouya. I really respected him. I was sure he'd be a good person for me…a good friend.

I just felt that my mouth would never be clean again, like if I talked, people would see what was in there.

No one could know. Not even Kyouya.

I was alone then, and I didn't feel like having company.

It was by sheer chance that we met up on the stairs.

It could have been anyone, but no. It had to be her.

"Kaoru? Where are you going? We have to go to the Host Club."

"Haruhi!" I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I just kept my mouth shut. _Tightly_ shut. "I…gotta' go." And I ran off. I didn't even stop when Hikaru called my name. I was ashamed. I was revolted…

But most of all, I was hurt.

So I kept running.

I didn't know where I was going, or how to get there, or even what time it was, but I kept walking. Soon enough, I got home. It was empty, and I recalled vaguely that my parents had gone on some business trip, taking most of our servants with them.

I called one of the remaining maids to me, ordering her to inform the staff to leave me alone for the rest of the day. She wasn't fazed, bobbing off. Our staff was all like that: professional and distant. It kind of made me sad, to remember the one maid that I did like.

That We had liked.

I shook the memories from my head, turning to go upstairs, but there was someone waiting for me.

"Kaoru? What's wrong with you? You're being completely psychotic!" It was Suki. She appeared to be close to crying.

"I'm not the one who…" I couldn't finish the statement. I just stopped talking, staring at my feet.

"What did you tell Kyouya?" she demanded instead.

"That's between me and him. Now, please leave my home."

"What about Hikaru? Why haven't you been talking to him?"

"Suki, please get out."

"What about me? Why won't you ever talk to me?"

"Suki, leave! I bellowed, authority and fury exploding from me dangerously. "Don't you _dare_ try to lecture me!" The girl shrank back, and I felt bad for a moment…but she really hadn't done that in the best way possible.

"Kaoru…what happened to us?"

"I don't know Suki. Please, just get out before I call your family."

"Why are you doing this, Kaoru?"

"Kaoru?" It was another voice. An almost identical voice to mine…

I scowled at the ground, ready to hurt something, and stormed up the stairs.

"Kaoru, wait!" Hikaru ran after me, but I sped up, reaching the top of the stairs and running in some unfamiliar direction. Even though I'd already explored most of the house with Hikaru, it was still absurdly easy to get lost inside of it.

I reached a long corridor and darted inside one of the doors, locking it behind me.

"Kaoru!" I heard from the hall. I braced myself against the door. He tried the knob, but then continued down the hall, shouting for me. "Kaoru, please come out! I want to talk to you!"

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't stand to speak with him, to be so painfully honest with him when he was only pretending.

It was never an act to me, but that's what it was to him.

That's all it ever was to him.

* * *


	5. The Storm

It was horrible.

Every time I'd managed to talk myself into moving out of our room, I wouldn't have the guts to go through with it.

It made me sick, that I could be so indecisive.

It was interesting, what happened at the club, though, a few days after I had stopped skipping it.

Kyouya had told all of my patrons that I had been taking a few days off for my health, which is essentially true, but I had one hell of a reception when I returned. There were gifts and cards and smiles that I hadn't expected. Even Suki was there, though her smile was a bit smaller than the rest.

But that wasn't the interesting part.

Apparently, Haruhi and my brother were in the middle of some little tiff, so they weren't sitting together. But instead of Hikaru and me running our old act, _Haruhi_ was the one who was waiting for me at my table, wearing a semi-apologetic smile.

"Hey Kaoru," she said quietly.

"Haruhi. What's going on?" The question inside of there was, 'Why isn't my brother over here?'

"Well, I thought you could use some company, and your brother is being a douche-bag." The answer was, 'He doesn't want to come over here, so I came instead.

"Oh. I see. Well, ladies, it seems Haruhi will be joining us today. Please treat him kindly."

"But…Kaoru…he took Hikaru away from you!"

Haruhi nearly choked on her tea, and I patted her back lightly.

"But he makes Hikaru happy. If Haruhi is what makes him happy, then I will love him, too."

A chorus of 'Awwww's rang out, and Haruhi beamed at me. I tried to return the smile, but I couldn't quite make my face pay attention to my brain.

"Kaoru, what do you like to do during storms?"

"Storms are my favorite! I love to sit in the window and watch the lightening and feel the thunder shake our mansion…Haruhi? Are you okay?"

"I hate storms…" she grimaced. I laughed, and so did my guests. Maybe we weren't as nice as we seemed to poor, oblivious Haruhi.

I just wished that Suki would look happier.

I had formally apologized for my treatment of her that day. Shouldn't she be over it by now?

But she loved me. I knew how much the actions of those you cared about hurt you, especially when you thought that they were only toying with you.

Wait…

Was that it?

Did she really think that?

Maybe she really assumed that I was only pretending with her…

It wasn't that I loved her like I loved Hikaru, but it wasn't as if I didn't care about her at all. I wanted for her to be happy, and I wanted to not be the focus of her affection, but I didn't mind being so.

I only wanted for her to be happy.

That was all.

All I wanted was for Hikaru to be happy, too.

I just wanted for him to be happy _with_ me. Because of me. Not because of my pain, or because of my one-sided affection for him.

Was that how Suki felt about me?

But it was different.

So different.

…Wasn't it?

As Haruhi and I handled the club duties, I noticed Hikaru glancing over at the two of us a lot. It made me nervous, especially when I saw the look in his eyes. He was hurt. Jealous.

…Vicious.

It made me cringe. I knew what he was planning to do with me from the look in his eyes.

"Haruhi, don't you think you should go over to Hikaru?" I asked her at the end of the Club.

"Why? He's perfectly fine of taking care of himself, as he's made abundantly clear."

"I don't know what you two are arguing about, but is it really this important? Important enough to risk your relationship over?" I was getting desperate, grasping at words I'd only heard on outdated shows. "He really cares about you. He talks to me about you, and I can tell…he really loves you. Please, forgive him. He really wants to apologize, but he doesn't like to admit that he's wrong. He just wants for you two to go back to normal."

Normal…please, let it go back to normal.

'I'd rather have him ignore me. I'd rather barely matter to him…this is horrible. I can't take this torture anymore…please let it all work out. Let Kyouya be right!' I silently pleaded her.

"He really cares about you, too," she said. I blinked, gawking at her. "He talks about you all the time. You're really upsetting him, lately. He's very…worried about you." Her eyes were sad and caring. "I am, too."

This time, I did manage to smile at her.

"Don't bother. I'm fine. I really can take care of myself. Besides, I've always been the responsible one. I'm used to it by now."

"It doesn't matter if you're used to it or not; you must be lonely, by yourself all the time."

"Well, in any case, it's going to storm tonight. Do you really want to stay mad at him?" Now I was playing dirty, and I knew it. She turned bright red and looked down. "Don't worry about me, so much." I hugged her loosely, turning to leave.

"Kaoru?" Haruhi called after me. I looked over my shoulder. She was smiling and waving. "Be safe going home."

"…You too."

* * *

"Suki, would you like to come home with me, today?" I asked her.

As reluctant as she seemed, she replied, "Sure. Will Hikaru and Haruhi be there?"

"I'm not sure. I don't think so."

But I was wrong. That afternoon, Suki, Haruhi, Hikaru, and I all rode home together. It was awkward, to say the least. I kept my eyes away from all of them, and they all tried to strike up conversation. Every attempt failed.

We all sat inside, sipping at our tea. Haruhi and Hikaru were chatting in an undertone, and Suki had her eyes trained on the ground. It was all very uncomfortable.

"Well…" I said, causing everyone to look at me. "What should we do? I mean, we could do a double date, or something…"

"I feel like talking." Both girls agreed with him, teaming up on me. "Kaoru, I think we all need to know a few things."

I suddenly realized just why Suki had agreed to this; she meant for all of them to team up on me.

"Hikaru…I'm fine. There's nothing to talk about," I sniffed, crossing my arms.

"Kaoru, stop it. Tell me why Kyouya keeps looking at me like I'm some sort of felon."

"Maybe because of all the trouble you've been causing him lately!" Hikaru only looked more confusedly at me. "Your entire relationship with Haruhi has been a complete nuisance…for everyone!" They both looked slightly uncomfortable, and Haruhi looked away.

"I…I don't know what you mean."

"Hikaru, Tamaki is furious with Kyouya for 'letting' you and Haruhi be together. Don't you know how everyone around you feels? Are you aware of human emotion at all? Are you so dense that you never realized their feelings for her?" My voice was frigid, and every word made my brother flinch. I felt some satisfaction in knowing that I was finally getting through to him.

"That's not…I'm talking about you! I know you went to Kyouya's that day. What did you talk about?!"

"Nothing, really. We were just hanging out. I didn't tell you about it because I _knew_ you'd be a jealous ass about it."

"But…oh, come on! Do you really expect me to believe that…Well, why won't you look me in the eye ever? You never look _at_ me anymore!"

"And I wonder why _that_ is," I snarled, standing up and glaring at him. "I'm sure Haruhi would be thrilled to know whatever I'm _sure_ you're thinking about right now." I grabbed Suki by the wrist and dragged her up to my room, trembling violently.

"Kaoru?" she asked quietly. "Are you sure it was alright to say that to him? It was rather cruel…he _is _your brother."

"It's fine. Haruhi can comfort him now."

"You're so…cold. It's like I don't know you anymore…"

I wanted to shout at her, to tell her every horrible thing Hikaru had done to me, but I couldn't form the words. I sat down on my bed, covering my face with my hands, and apologized.

"I told them to come back here with us," she said, sitting beside me. "I want you to talk out everything with us."

"There's nothing more to say."

Suki wouldn't have that. She took my hands away from my face and looked at me carefully.

"DO you love me?" she whispered, fingers trembling around mine. I smiled sadly, holding her hands more conventionally.

"Of course I do."

"Kiss me." I obeyed, pressing my lips against hers. But as I pulled back, she freed her hands, placing them at the base of my neck, keeping us together. Her tongue forced its way into my mouth, and I balked, stunned at first by such a taste, but before I could decide if I liked it or not, the door opened.

I wrenched my head away fro the girl to gaze into the soft golden eyes of my twin. They were swiftly hardening.

"Oh, sorry to interrupt," he muttered, continuing to stand there glaring at us. "Yes, Hikaru? Did you need something?"

"We need to talk, Kaoru."

I frowned, but turned to Suki.

"I suppose Hikaru and I must discuss this. Please go keep Haruhi company."

She looked hurt, but complied, kissing my cheek in defiance before leaving. She didn't look at Hikaru on her way out. He waited a moment before crossing the room to sit where Suki had been a minute earlier.

He wasted no time in getting to the point.

"Kaoru…what happened to us? We used to be able to talk about…_anything_, but now…" he closed his eyes in frustration. "Now I don't even know who you are! Did I do something wrong? I thought I was doing what you wanted!"

"No you don't, Hikaru. You were doing what _you_ wanted, and you know it!" I shot back. He reached out his hand towards my face, but I grabbed it and shoved it back down. I was glowering at him in such anger, such sadness, that he looked away.

"I…didn't realize that you hated me so much." His voice was so miserable, so utterly lost, that I lost focus for just a split second, which was all he needed. He had derailed my anger, and I let my guard down.

"What're you…I don't _hate_ you, Hikaru—I Can't! I l—" but I was cut off by a huge crash of thunder. We both froze…tensed…and looked at each other.

"Haruhi," he murmured at the same time that I said, "Go." He gave me a look of gratitude—with a hint of regret—and dashed off to comfort his most precious person. I balled up my hands into fists as I pretended that I wasn't alone, and I nearly failed to notice Suki walking back in.

"Kaoru? Are you all right? Did Hikaru yell at you?"

"Suki? I thought you'd be leaving. Isn't your father worried about you?"

"Probably. I just needed to make sure you were okay. _Are _you?" She was crouching in front of me, hands on my knees. I smiled down at her, trying to make it convincing.

"Please don't worry about me," I whispered, pecking her cheek quickly. "Go home. I don't want you to get into trouble because of me." She nodded despondently, trudging to the door.

"I…love you. See you on Monday."

'It is Saturday, isn't it?' I wondered. 'No school tomorrow.' As soon as Suki was gone, I shut off the alarm on the clock, catching the time. It was almost nine o' clock, but it felt a lot later. I decided that I would just give up and go to sleep.

As I lay down, there was another crash of thunder. I wondered absently what Hikaru and Haruhi would do tonight. It occurred to me that it would be too late to take her home once the storm was over. I shrugged it off, rolling over. She would obviously just stay in a guest room. Hikaru wouldn't be so idiotic as to drive her home in the dead of night.

I then wondered if Hikaru would stay with her.

I had never slept well without Hikaru beside me, the few times it ha happened.

"It doesn't matter," I mumbled to myself, willing to fall asleep, but the words of my fake dream rang in my head.

'You left me for Haruhi.'

It hadn't been a dream at all.

It hadn't even been a lie.

* * *

It was late when he came in.

"Kaoru?" he called softly.

"—karu? Whassa' matter?"

He crawled into bed, pulling me into him. His body felt cold against mine.

"Hikaru?"

"I ca never sleep right without you here...here with me."

I pushed against him, running my hand over his bare arm, trying to warm him up.

"You're freezing cold," I complained.

"You're so warm," he murmured back. "Don't…don't stop."

I obeyed, rubbing his arm, his hest, his cheek…I couldn't help myself; I wanted him to be happy. I want ed to feel his skin under my fingers. I needed for us to be closer…

Closer…

Too close.

I caressed his jaw with my fingertips, leaning ever closer to his stony body. I wanted to make him warm.

"Mm…Kaoru…that's better." He capture my wrists, pulling them so that I was embracing his waist. "You were right, Kaoru. I made you do those things for _me._ I love being like this." Hikaru's hands were on my neck, forcing me to meet his eyes. "You so adorable like this. I…I'm sorry…about everything. Especially those bruises. You're so fragile, little brother."

I made him stop talking by pulling him closer and burying my face in his chest. What I would have given for the moment to last.

I really wanted to believe Hikaru, but I had lost all trust for him. I couldn't stand hearing him say those things to me anymore.

Those useless, empty words.

It wasn't the smartest thing to do, but I held him firmly to my body, molding our images together in my mind. Tonight, Hikaru belonged to me, and not even he himself could take that away from me.

* * *


	6. The Question

It wasn't so bad after that.

Hikaru never took out those frustrations on me.

I never asked him to be serious.

I really wanted everything to go back to normal.

I was getting more and more accustomed to being alone, as Suki had better things to do, all of a sudden. She would make up excuses to miss even Host Club, and I felt the rejection. I couldn't help but feel responsible for it, as it was most likely because of that stormy night.

As much as I missed her, it was really for the best. She needed to be supported by someone, not just standing next to me. I was glad that she finally realized it too.

Instead of moping around like I used to when Hikaru wasn't with me, I had begun a life of my own. I found that I really liked amusement parks, and I spent my Sundays out searching for new thrills. It never ceased to humor me that the Outside had done something right.

My favorites were the _Huis Ten Bosch_ in Nagasaki and the _Fujikyu Highlands_ in Yamanashi. Ferris Wheels had to be the best invention ever, though. Each time I found something that I thoroughly enjoyed, though, I would wish that Hikaru were there with me, to tell me how ridiculous I was to get so excited over something so simple as falling fast.

It was just such a thrill to be an inch away from death with no control over it myself. Every drop, every heart stopping feat made me so joyful…such thrill seeking couldn't be right.

I had turned into an adrenaline junkie, and it felt amazing.

"Kaoru?" one of the girls asked one day. I was laughing, and I turned to look at her. "Do you still feel lonely?"

"No, I'm fine. I never realized how to be alone before—as I never _had_ to—but it really is quite enjoyable." My smiles were genuine, my drama for my brother lost. I fell out of Kyouya's assigned character, finally able to breathe by myself. It now seemed that my twin was suffering. I was no longer an outlet for his frustrations, and while _I _was fine with that, his relationship with Haruhi seemed to be suffering. Outbursts were often heard from their table, and they weren't always that of fan-joy. It made me sad in passing that my brother couldn't be as happy as I was.

"What do you do by yourself?" another girl asked.

"I really like Ferris Wheels," I admitted shyly. The girls giggled, and one of them squealed.

"Do you go on all alone? I'd love to go with you sometime!" another said happily.

"I would love your company," I replied, touching her cheek lightly, causing more cries of glee.

It wasn't until after the club that Kyouya confronted me.

"Your new character is overlapping with Tamaki's," he frowned, referring to his notebook. "He's losing customers."

"Yes, Kaoru! You must tone it down!" the king cried, taking my hands. "The princesses are dissatisfied with our efforts! Please, take back your brother! Let us all return to normal! Our family is suffering greatly! Please take Daddy's pain away, my precious son! Hurry!" He shoved me toward my brother. "Hurry! Hurry!"

"Milord, you're not making any sense," we both said at the same time. We both looked at each other in shock, but smiled simultaneously.

Perhaps it could be salvaged, our lost relationship.

"Tamaki, please contain whatever nonsensical babbling that has begun to spill out," Haruhi reprimanded him. Hikaru looked down, and I shrugged.

"Haruhi, my daughter, doesn't it bother you that everyone thinks you're gay? My daughter…a homosexual…"

"Chill out, Dad. Mom will take care of this," Kyouya interrupted. "Haruhi, what is that ring you're wearing?"

"What? Oh, Hikaru got it for me two days ago."

"You need to think about things like that before you just wear it. It clashes with your costume for tomorrow; please don't wear it then."

"So what? It was a present. I'm not going to _not_ wear it, just because you say so!"

"Haruhi, you're being unreasonable. Please, just do what I say. It's only tomorrow, anyway; what's the big deal?"

"…sorry." She hung her head, looking miserable.

"Why are you two being so _weird_?" I couldn't help but ask. Neither of them answered, but my question dragged the entire club against them.

"Are you two fighting again?" Hunny asked from Mori's shoulder. "You should eat a cake."

"No, we're fine."

"You don't seem 'fine'. Do you two need to take a break from hosting together? Hikaru can go back with Kaoru…we can make big money from it…"

"What about costumes tomorrow? You've already got them, and they're fitted." I tried to be the voice of reason.

"It doesn't matter, I got extra costumes, just in case something happened."

"So, everyone was expecting us to fight? Is that it?" Hikaru demanded, beginning to get pissed.

"No, not really. I always order extras, you know, so that even if there's a problem, we have a spare." Kyouya shrugged, writing something down. "It never hurts to be prepared…for _any_ circumstance."

"Well…Anyways, I'll be wearing Kaoru's costume? What is it?"

We were all going to be hosting a British-style tea party. My character was a young governor. Hikaru and Haruhi were originally going to be visiting counts, but now I supposed Haruhi would be taking that role alone. I wondered in passing just how our roles would work out.

But it wasn't my problem.

Sighing, I turned back to Kyouya.

"Is that all? I'd like to get home early."

"Go ahead," he dismissed me with a wave of his hand, as he was already focusing on other things. I bobbed out quickly, eager to plan my next excursion.

Anything to block the impending idea of spending intimate time with Hikaru the next day.

As I reached the staircase, I spotted Suki. I almost called out to her, but then I noticed an arm around her waist and a smile on her face.

Don't get me wrong, I _was_ glad for her, but…

But…

She didn't need me anymore.

No one in the world truly needed me anymore.

I turned around, accepting that Suki probably wouldn't return to the Host Club.

I accepted that I couldn't think about her anymore.

I walked past the music room, not even thinking about anyone inside.

It was as if, all of a sudden, I was the only part of the Inside world. It felt so lonely, but also so exclusive, as if I were better than the rest of the world…

But did I want that?

* * *

"Kaoru?" 

"Yes, Hikaru?"

It was late. We were in bed, comfortably apart, and yet…

"Will we be like we used to?" He paused, trying to say something.

"What are you talking about?" I rolled towards him, shocked to find him far closer than I had first assumed he would be.

"At the club. Will we be able to act like before?"

"…No. No, Hikaru," I whispered sadly. "There's no going back to that."

"But…everyone loves that act."

_'I was never acting.'_ "I know. But it won't work now."

"Why not? It would be easy! I'm positive we could still do it!"

_'I'm not. I would crack. I can't keep up with you anymore.'_ "I don't think it would be the same. What about Haruhi? The guests would protest."

"What? It's always been 'forbidden'. Wouldn't my being with Haruhi just add to it?"

_'Of course it would! Hikaru, you idiot! I love you! I can't get anything right around you! I only feel right when we're together!'_ "Hikaru, I don't think you understand."

"…I'm sorry."

We grabbed each other's hands, pulling them up between our faces.

"I don't want you to apologize."

"Then what _do_ you want?"

_'Everything. Nothing. _You._'_ "I want us to go back to normal."

"And we can, if you just let this happen!"

_'I can't do it, Hikaru! Don't put such faith in me!'_ "I don't think it's that simple." I squeezed his hands lightly.

"Well, it should be! What's the problem? Why can't we do it? Are you scared of what Haruhi would think of it? Cuz' she _knows _it's just pretend. She won't be bothered by it!"

'Just an act, isn't it? Well, fine…but those words…' I couldn't trust myself to speak, though I tried a few times before giving up.

"Kaoru, I just want to…to apologize for all those…those _things_ I did to you. I know that they hurt you and confused you. I…I want to try to start things over with you, with Haruhi being a part of _our_ lives. I was wondering if…if the four of us could double date again this weekend, at one of those theme parks you keep disappearing to. It'd be…fun."

"_Four_ of us?"

"Us, Haruhi, and Suki."

"Oh. Suki." I felt my stomach turn over at the mention of her name. "We're not…together anymore." We never were in the first place.

"Oh. Did she break up with you?"

"Not…exactly."

"Well, what happened?"

I took my hands back, rolling away from him. "I don't want to talk about it." He wasn't dissuaded, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my back against his chest. I gasped at his warmth.

"Kaoru…you have to talk about your problems. What's going on with you?"

His breath hit my neck, causing me to shiver.

"L-let go! Hikaru!" I began hitting at his arms. He pulled them back, but slowly, stroking along my body, as if trying to torture me. He left his body where it was against mine, breathing against my hair. It was maddening. "There's nothing to say. She has someone else now."

"How could she choose someone else over you?"

"I don't know! Now, go to sleep!" I was beginning to get desperate, searching for anything to get him safely on the other side of the bed, and I was panicking. He was too close…

Too close…

I wouldn't be able to control myself soon.

"How could _anyone_ choose anyone over my Kaoru?"

_'Look at yourself, you hypocrite!'_ I wanted to shout those words at him—wanted to so fiercely—but I couldn't do it.

I couldn't say anything that would keep him away from me.

"Kaoru? Still there?" Hikaru's hand was now on my shoulder, squeezing it warmly.

"What about you and Haruhi?" I asked, and the effect was immediate. I had set an impenetrable barrier between us.

Haruhi.

I stifled a relieved sigh.

I was glad to escape, but the reminder of her presence in my brother's heart was like a skewer.

"Well…her dad still doesn't like me…she wants to take a break to calm him down. Well…you know how Ranka gets." I could see his sheepish, half-apologetic face in my mind. "He still likes Tamaki more than me."

I wanted to offer some form of consolation, but it wouldn't come out.

"I guess I'll always come second to milord…"

"Not for Haruhi!" I managed, choking around the words. "You'll always come first for her."

_'And for me. You'll always, _always_ be my number one.'_

"Do you mean that?" Something in his voice made me look at him over my shoulder. My hand found his, and I rolled away from him to look him in the eye.

"Of course. She chose you, didn't she?"

"Only because I was the only one who offered. If _he_ had said something to her first, she'd—" I covered his mouth with my free hand.

"Hikaru, you need to have more self-confidence. You're a really great person, you know. Everyone loves you for you, Haruhi included."

"…Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"…Will you be serious with me tonight?"

I was baffled, and almost tortured by the desperation in his voice.

"Why?"

"Because…I can't stand up on my own anymore."

"Idiot…you're never alone."

But I hesitated.

So much for his apology. Did he really even mean it? Was he playing with me again? Did he derive so much pleasure from watching me squirm?

But I caved.

I loved him, and he needed me; needed the reassurance…

Needed to know that I could never leave him.

I kissed him softly, trying to contain my own feelings, but this was different than the other times we had done things like this.

_I _was in control.

Hikaru would respond to my every move, every touch, with a noise or shudder. He didn't initiate anything, only basked in my attention.

I could have done anything, and he would have just taken it.

And what was there to stop me? If I didn't love him so much…

I ran my hands over his bare chest, my tongue deep in his mouth. He groaned appreciatively…

And then…

He took my hands and plunged them into his boxers.

I froze for a second, freeing our mouths.

"Hikaru…" We both gasped for air.

"Please, Kaoru. _Please!_"

"I…" I felt for a long while that I couldn't possibly strike up the fortitude to touch him in that way…I would lose myself in that way. There wouldn't be anything to stop it. I wouldn't be able to come back if he let me do this now. He wrapped his entire hands around mine, forcing my fingers to brush his large erection, and I mustered my will, grabbing it. He let go, shuddering in ecstasy. His forehead fell to my shoulder as I worked, and his panting came hard against my cheek. My own arousal warned me of what was about to happen when…

Hikaru came all over my hands.

He whimpered, entire body tensing.

I pulled my hands back, wiping them on the sheets. I knew at once that I had come with my twin, and I smiled at him cautiously. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing very heavily.

"Hikaru?"

He answered by pulling me on top of him. I curled slightly, positioning myself more comfortably on his chest.

"Goodnight, Kaoru."

"Goodnight."

For the first time in months, we fell asleep entwined, not bothering to wonder about what would happen in the morning.

Right before my dreams began, I heard a whisper.

"I love you."

I still don't know which of us said it.

* * *


	7. The Interrogation

The morning wasn't as awkward as it could have been.

Neither of us mentioned what had happened that night.

We just got ready for school, as per usual.

Even the ride in the car wasn't so bad. We kept light conversation about how much people were idiots, and how we should slip ice cubes in their shirts.

Today would be a good day.

Until…

The Club.

I had completely forgotten. I had no idea just how Hikaru was going to behave; what he'd want to do. I supposed I could play along, but could I keep up? After the previous night, I didn't think I could contain anything. I would just do my best not to let the club-members down.

Especially Hikaru.

"…and then Kaoru here ran all the way home, crying like a baby."

"Hikaru, I was only five! You were in trouble, and I was all alone…it was scary…" I unwittingly fell into my old character. I could feel his response coming and set down my cup, just in case.

"Don't worry, Kaoru. I'll be right next to you from now on!" He grabbed my face, making my monocle slide off. We were wearing odd black suits with gold lining on them, complete with monocles and top hats. Hikaru really hated hats, though, so he left his beside his chair. I caught Kyouya glancing at its new residence in contempt more than once.

"But…Hikaru, what about Haruhi? You two must be together…your happiness is enough to watch from a distance…"

"You'll always come first, Kaoru! I told you that last night!"

"Hikaru…"

It was easy. Some of the girls were happy with the 'reunion' bit. Others went to join Tamaki's table. Still others went to see Haruhi.

"Hikaru, the monocle is leaving a crease in your face." I pulled his head closer to mine and kissed the well-pronounced line around his eye. Squeals of joy to follow…now.

I loved the work, even though it was an act. It was a delight to know that Hikaru still needed me, what I could offer him.

Even after the club's work had finished, we kept at the act.

"What's with you two?" Tamaki asked eventually. "I thought Hikaru and Haruhi were all lovey-dovey and happy and…" He trailed off into his own little world.

"Just some nostalgia," I answered quietly. "It was fun, today."

"Is that all?" Kyouya smirked quietly. I glared at him, but Hikaru slipped his arm around my waist. Why deny it? I love Kaoru." Now Haruhi glared at him. I wordlessly removed his arm, taking a step away from my twin.

"That's enough, Hikaru. They're beginning to take us seriously."

"Now look what you've done!" Hikaru pretended to be angry with everyone else. I watched quietly as he went on about how 'fragile' my self-image was and how they all were crushing it.

Haruhi came to stand beside me, saying, "Let's take a walk."

I was taken aback, but also curious. What could she possibly want with me?

"We'll be leaving now," I told Kyouya, who nodded. Hikaru made to come with us, but Haruhi stopped him.

"I need to talk with Kaoru for a bit. Can we meet you at your car?"

Hikaru nodded slowly, happiness visibly dampening. I waved, he waved back, and Haruhi pulled me to walk beside her. Soon, we were in an empty classroom.

"Kaoru, I'm worried about him," she blurted, getting straight to the point as soon as the door closed.

"He's been rather depressed. He says your father doesn't like him. Is it true?"

"Well, sorta'…"

"He also said that he feels like he's coming second to Tamaki in everything—everyone." I paused, adding, "You."

"…What?"

"He thinks you're only with him because he openly likes you. He said you'd rather be with milord."

"That's…I mean…"

"Is _that_ true? Are you toying with him to make Tamaki like you?"

"Of course not! That's absurd! I don't want _Tamaki_! I want the old Hikaru back! This Hikaru is…" She trailed off, looking down. "Today, he was happier than he'd been in weeks. I think that it's because of the Club…being with you. I think he's missed being with you."

"Haruhi, have you ever considered that…" I couldn't figure out how to say it. If I said it to her, she'd ask questions…but I'd already begun the question. I couldn't back out now. "…I mean, Hikaru isn't the most confident of people. He appears that way on the outside, but he has really low self-esteem. Maybe he just needs more…_attention_."

"I spend almost all of my time with him. How could I give him any _more_ of my time?"

"I'm not talking about time," I said, feeling uncomfortable. "I'm talking about…well, more than _kissing_."

She blushed. I could see that she hadn't even considered doing what I had done with Hikaru.

"O-oh. Um…I mean…Wow."

"If you don't want to, then don't, but if you want to maintain a serious relationship with my brother…well, that's probably…yeah."

I felt horrible, mostly because if she _did_ do things with him, he wouldn't need me anymore. But also…

I knew that if I didn't tell her this, she'd remain oblivious to these wants, and probably only figure it out after too late. They would fall apart, and I would feel responsible, at least in passing.

I wanted my brother to be happy, no matter what.

…Even without me.

* * *

Hikaru and Haruhi seemed happier together.

Kyouya had made it so that once a week, Hikaru and I played the brotherly-love act. Those nights, we would sleep embracing. I cherished those days.

But then…

Some nights, Hikaru didn't come home. I would see him the next morning as he grabbed a fresh uniform and changed in a flash without saying a word to me.

He and Haruhi had begun pursuing a more…well, a more _physical_ relationship.

I was heartbroken.

So she had taken my advice.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

I was growing bitter. Even roller coasters lost their thrill. I was losing my sense of feel, without Hikaru touching me.

I only felt alive those nights in his arms.

I knew the time would come when he stopped holding me, though. When he and Haruhi would share their own bed and have sex in it every night, making giant messes and basking in the glow of the other's love.

Speaking of messes…

I suppose I was a mess. I started hurting myself again, but only when Hikaru wasn't there at night.

I was punishing him by abusing my own body.

He didn't seem to notice.

I was more intelligent about it, though.

I would claw at my chest, carve on my stomach, the places no one would get to see.

I made sure that I was always wearing a long shirt, so as to hide behind the fabric.

No one would ever know.

But my favorite form of self-torture was to stand beneath the shower and alternate the temperature between icy cold and scalding hot.

The maids never asked about my screams. They would simply swoop in and collect the towels, leaving fresh ones behind.

How I hated the lack of concern.

"Kaoru?" a girl asked, pulling me out of my reverie.

"Yes?" It was break time in class. Hikaru and Haruhi were gone, and I knew they were making out in the hall somewhere.

'_Figures.'_

"Is Hikaru going to host with you today?"

"Yes, I think so. Why?" I stared deep into her brown eyes. "Do you like him better?" I teased.

But she surprised me by shaking her head.

"No, it's just that you look happier when he's with you. It's nice to see you like that." She laughed. "Sometimes, you just stare at him with this expression…

"It's like you're in _love_ with him."

I froze as she said those words, feeling a very familiar set of eyes on me. An arm fell on my shoulders, pulling me into a body I knew far too well.

Hikaru drawled, "Of course he's in love with me. How could he _not_ love someone as dashing as me?"

"Of course, Hikaru. The entire _world_ is in love with you," Haruhi snorted, holding in too much laughter. The girl laughed too, walking back to her friends. I remained frozen against Hikaru's body.

"Earth to Kaoru! You awake?" he shouted, removing his arm and stepping back.

"I'm fine," I replied, immensely relieved that he didn't take what that girl had said seriously. "Just a bit tired."

"Then we'll go to bed early tonight." He and Haruhi walked away, immersed in some discussion about socks, but I was frozen again by Hikaru's kindness.

Was he really such a douche-bag after all?

'_No, he is,_' I amended, smiling as I sat down.

* * *

We were lying together, and I could smell him clearly. It was mind-blowing. My position on his body was a bit awkward, but neither of us moved.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"I had sex with Haruhi."

"…I know."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Of course not, Hikaru."

'I'm only miserable, because you're able to be so open with your affection. I'm very happy for you, but don't ask me to express it.'

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"I know you talked to Haruhi about…well…"

"…And?"

"Did you tell her about…about what _we_ did?" His hold on me tightened, and I winced, feeling his nails through my shirt.

"No. I wouldn't do that, Hikaru." I felt horrible. Was he…ashamed?

"…Kaoru?" His grip loosened considerably.

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"I'm…glad."

"…About what?"

"I'm so happy to be able to hold you like this again…"

I moved my hands to his shoulders, laying my cheek on his bare chest.

"…Me too."

"What do you want to do tomorrow? It's Sunday…we could go to your amusement park."

"…I don't feel up to it," I lied. "I don't think I'd be able to have very much fun."

"Okay, then. We can just stay in."

I couldn't help it. His arms felt so good around me. So warm…

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?" I sighed, closing my eyes.

"Why are you so cold?"

"I don't know."

"We used to always be the same…_exactly_ the same. Why are we so different now?"

"Because people have started treating us like two different people."

"…Is it because of Haruhi?"

I didn't have an answer for him. I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Well, fine then. I guess I'll have to have sex with you, too."

I froze, all of my body tensing. My eyes flew open.

"What?!"

"I'm kidding," he murmured, a frown audible in his voice. "Geez, Kaoru…"

"Quit messing around!" I shouted, sitting up on top of him. "You're always—_always_—just screwing around with me!"

I couldn't help it.

He was so in my face about it…

So cruel…

"Kaoru…what's the matter with you?" He was shocked by my outburst. Obviously, he didn't take me seriously at all. "What's your problem?"

"You! _You_ are my problem!" I raged, flinging myself off of him. I pulled on a robe and started pacing around. Hikaru rolled on his side to gaze at me in astonishment.

"Kaoru, take it easy. It was just a joke…"

"Hikaru, _don't tell me what to do!"_

"Why not? You _always_ do what I tell you when we're being serious!"

And just like that…

I couldn't form any words. I just stood there, gaping soundlessly at this person…

This horribly beautiful person…

He was looking at me in indifference, but his eyes were horrified.

"Kaoru, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that…"

"Yes, you did."

And I stormed out, slamming the door after me.

* * *

I couldn't sleep.

I was in a strange wing in the house, moping.

Hikaru…

Hikaru…

Why? What could have made him be so mean to me? Why did I let it control my life?

Why did I need him so much?

In the morning, I rolled out of the strange bed, making my way to the bathroom, but I stopped.

Maybe I would take a bath. A bath would feel nice, after such a long, sleepless night…

I altered my course to the main bath, a tub of roughly half the size of a swimming pool, but only deep enough to sit in comfortably.

'It should only take fifteen minutes to fill all the way…'

But when I got there, Hikaru was standing just inside, a robe on, watching the water level rise to where we liked it.

He heard my footsteps and turned in shock to face me.

"Kaoru…"

"You take the bath," I said coldly, turning to leave, but he caught my arm.

"You couldn't sleep either, could you?" he asked softly. He looked rather broken when I met his eyes. "Take a bath with me."

"Hikaru, no. I'll just wait until you're done."

"No! Now, come with me!" Hikaru shouted. I flinched, and he pulled me inside, shutting the door behind me. "The water's ready. Just get in."

He stripped, and I flushed, looking away. I heard him get in, and I made to escape again, but he called out, "Kaoru, we need to talk. Now _get in._"

I kept my back to him, dropping my robe to the floor. Next came my pants, and then…

"Don't look," I whispered, pulling off my shirt.

"Why not? We're _identical_, Kaoru. We're the _same_."

I could've punched him. Taking a quick peek to make sure he wasn't looking, I slipped into the water, keeping my chest covered with my arms.

"Kaoru, don't be ridiculous. You're not a girl, you don't need to cover your chest."

"It's better this way."

The water was a bit warmer than I preferred, and I couldn't keep from hissing every so often as I moved. I felt so vulnerable this way.

"Kaoru, can I wash your hair?" Hikaru asked innocently, holding up a bottle of shampoo. I reluctantly agreed, turning my back to him. I soon felt his hands in my hair.

"Now, Kaoru, I think we need to talk."

"No, I think you made it perfectly clear what your opinion of me is last night."

"Don't take that seriously; I was just a little angry."

"And honest. You think I'm just a tool…that's what you think about all people, isn't it?"

"Kaoru, stop it!" He pulled me around to face him, his hands on my shoulders now. "I didn't mean what I said! I didn't mean to…to do those things to you! I'm sorry, goddammit! I'm…" he stopped, taking in my stricken expression, breathing out slowly. "I'm sorry, alright?"

"Hikaru…" My eyes were watering, halfway because of the shampoo now entering them. "You can't just say that, you have to _mean_ it."

"I do mean it! I love you, Kaoru! I could never imagine hurting you like that…I mean…"

"I hurt you that way too, Hikaru."

"That doesn't count; I asked you to do that…" he was embarrassed now, looking away from me.

"I asked you to do it for me, too, Hikaru. Don't assume you know everything."

He froze, eyes on my chest. I realized just what he was looking at then and turned away.

"Kaoru…Just what happened to your body?"

"Nothing," I replied quickly, bending over to rinse my hair and make my eyes stop stinging. "It's nothing at all."

"Bullshit, let me see you…"

He pulled me around, smacking my arms out of the way.

"Kaoru, have you been hurting yourself again?"

"No."

"Do you think I'm an idiot?"

"Why'd you ask if you're so smart?"

"Because, Kaoru, I want for you to be honest with me for once!"

"I'm not the dishonest one!"

"Then why do you have so many secrets?!"

"Because I can't _trust_ you anymore!"

That did it.

Hikaru looked so helpless in that second, that I felt horrible for what I had just said.

"You…don't trust me? But…But, Kaoru…"

"I…won't take it back."

I looked at my knee, feeling downright wretched, when Hikaru pulled me against him.

"Kaoru…why do you do this to me? How _can_ you? Every word you say feels like heresy against what I _know_ you _have to _feel. Why won't you tell me?! What's wrong with us? Are we so changed, Kaoru?"

"No, brother. We were always like this. You just never noticed until now."

"Why didn't you say anything? Do you want us to be different people?"

"You never gave me a chance!" I tried fighting against my twin's grip, but he was somehow so much stronger than me. Or perhaps his will was stronger. "All you ever did was push me away!"

"Kaoru…what are you talking about?"

I balked in his arms, no longer able to fight.

"You just want…_her_. You want to be with Haruhi, and you're leaving me all alone…"

"Kaoru, do you really believe that, or are you just trying to lie to yourself?"

Ice…ice encrusting my body, preventing movement…

"Hikaru…"

"Kaoru, listen to me." He pulled me back to look him in the eye. "I love you. I loved you before we even met Tamaki. You're my brother, and you'll always come first."

"Would I still be first if I weren't your brother?"

His eyes held hurt, but he didn't answer the question.

"You know how I feel about you, don't you?" It was a question, but it didn't require an answer.

He knew.

I could see that.

But he wouldn't say anything.

"Hikaru?"

"…yes. I know."

"You don't feel the same way, do you?"

"…"

"Yes?"

"Kaoru, don't ask me that…"

"Why? I need to know, Hikaru."

"Is _this_ why you've been…"

His eyes held so many words that he couldn't say.

'Torturing yourself?'

'Killing yourself?'

'So sad?'

'So broken?'

'So lost?'

"Just answer me."

"Kaoru, it's not that simple."

"Yes it is! Yes or no, Hikaru!"

He let me go, but I grabbed his shoulders. He looked at me with his openly pathetic eyes. All I could think of was how horribly I felt for doing this to him.

But…

I

Had

To

Know.

"I…don't.

* * *


	8. The Isolation

That was it.

My entire world…

_Boom._

I knew he'd say it, but still…

It killed me inside.

"O-okay. See? Was that so hard?" I let go of him, trying to maintain an indifferent expression.

"Kaoru, don't—"

"What? _What_, Hikaru?" I'm fine. I'm stronger than you give me credit for!"

But my insides were crumbling.

"Please, little brother…just listen to me…"

"There's nothing more to say, Hikaru," I growled, voice thick with permafrost. "I asked a question, and you answered it. End of story."

"But…But, Kaoru…"

I laughed humorlessly, not looking at him.

"It's fine, Hikaru. Really. Just…forget I mentioned it."

"Kaoru, I—"

"Do you want me to leave?!" I demanded, losing my patience. "I said there's nothing else, so drop it!"

"…sorry."

I crossed my arms, but didn't move. I felt my conflicted heart—my poor, innocent heart—turn to stone. My blood congealed in my veins. It felt…

Like I couldn't breathe. Like I was choking on air.

"Let's just pretend I never said any of this," I sighed, grabbing a bar of soap.

"Please, let me," Hikaru offered, extending a hand. I pulled back from him unthinkingly, and his composition faltered.

"It's fine, Hikaru. I can do it myself." I cast my eyes down, watching the water flow gently.

"Don't say that," my twin whispered venomously, and I jolted my attention back to his livid face. "Don't ever say than again."

"What?" I was bewildered by the new enmity that had sprouted in my brother, seemingly out of nowhere. I supposed a split-second later that he wasn't quite as together as he was normally, and moved the slightest distance from him.

" 'I can do it myself'," he mimicked angrily, scorn burning in his eyes. "We're twins! We don't _ever_ have to be alone! Tell me—!" he stopped shouting, trying to calm down before continuing. "Tell me why you are so _obsessed_ with being alone!"

"I'm not! It just doesn't bother me as much anymore."

"Doesn't bother you," Hikaru repeated incredulously. "It _doesn't bother you_?! Why the fuck not?!" He was shouting again, being too loud. Someone would hear…

I threw a nervous glance at the door, begging it to remain shut.

"Kaoru, you should belong to _me_!" I was inching away from him openly now.

He was too much like that time…

When he made me…

"How _dare_ you?! How _dare_ you not mind being away from me?!"

"Is…is that what this is?" I asked quietly, as he strained to breathe.

"What are you talking about?!" I flinched at his intensity.

"You just want for me and Haruhi…for us to…to make you the only thing we care about. Is _that_ it?"

"Don't pretend to know me so well!"

"…I never pretend. I know you, Hikaru, as I know myself. I may not like it, but this is who you are, isn't it?"

"Never pretend…you liar…you were hiding behind that…_girl_ to make me look at you! You took it so far…You were just trying to hide what we'd done together!" he accused, rising to tower above me. "Well, I'll just have to make sure you _never_ forget this."

His tone changed, and I knew what was coming.

What he wanted from me this time.

He was bending me to what he wanted…_needed_.

Again.

"Hikaru,_ NO_!" I shouted, trying to keep him away from me. "Stop it, please, _stop_ Hikaru!" I begged, beginning to sob. He shoved my arms away, pulling me to him by my waist. He wrapped his legs around me, pulling my head out of the way so he could bite my neck…my collarbone…slowly making his way down…

"Stop…struggling," he spat around my flesh, as I tried to thrash around…get free…

I felt him lift me, and I was flung to the wall, sitting on the edge of the tub, but my head collided with the wall, sending sharp explosions of color all over my periperal vision.

"Hikaru…I'm dizzy…_please!"_ He didn't seem to hear, his mouth on my right hip, hand a bout a millimeter from…

Oh…

Oh my…

I couldn't see correctly, felt only about half of what Hikaru was submitting me to, and I was so…

_Big._

Hikaru noticed, too, smirking at me before taking it in his mouth fiercely. Tongue and teeth worked harshly against me.

As I was lost in pleasure, I failed to notice the steady trickle coming down the back of my neck. I was making noises…

My hands fumbled to Hikaru's shoulders, trying to get his attention…

Make him _stop_!

'But it's so nice…'

I couldn't concentrate when he kept on doing _that_.

I picked up one of my hands, curling it unsteadily into a fist, and sent it crashing back down on his shoulder. He gagged a bit, but let me go, mustering up what was probably an aggressive glare, but he never got the chance.

I leaned forward, falling on top of him.

"Kaoru? What're you—?!" He froze, fingers brushing an extremely tender spot at the back of my skull. I cried out briefly, biting down on my fingers. "You're…_bleeding_!"

"Hikaru? I feel…funny…" I mumbled around my fingers. I doubt he heard me, much less understood me.

"Oh…God, Kaoru!"

He clutched me to his body. Even after hurting me so much, it was still a comfortable place to be…Warm, inviting…

I fit exactly to his identical form.

"Just hold on. I'll get us…I'll…"

He was on the verge of hyperventilating, but he dragged me out of the tub, sitting me on the floor gently. He then darted off, returning with two robes and a soon-to-be-ruined white towel. My slightly older brother helped me into my bathrobe, holding the towel tight to my head.

It hurt so much.

"Hikaru?" I called feebly.

"Yes? Yes, Kaoru?" came the immediate and slightly hysterical response.

"Am I…hurt bad?"

* * *

I was in Kyouya's hospital again. 

They wouldn't let me out.

They kept throwing around scary words like, 'self-hazard' and 'unstable'.

I felt like screaming.

They asked me how I had gotten hurt, and I couldn't ever answer.

They kept me all alone, staring at the curtain in my window. I always imagined Hikaru standing outside, fighting his way in to see me. It was something he would do, and it was comforting.

"Hikaru? Can you hear me?" I would whisper, trying to form some kind of mental link with him.

He would never answer.

But the scariest part was…

I didn't even know who 'They' were.

The people who kept me locked up.

The people who wouldn't let me see Hikaru.

I had been there for four or five days before Kyouya burst through the door, shouting loudly at someone behind him.

"Just let me try to talk to him! Leaving him all alone won't help anything!"

He slammed the door behind him.

"Kyouya!" I exclaimed, immensely relieved to have human company. I could have kissed him.

"I'm here to ask you why the _hell_ you've been hurting yourself again!" he hissed, pulling up a chair and leaning in so he was mere inches from me.

There will never be a person on this earth as intimidating as Ootori Kyouya when he was determined to get something done.

"I didn't hit my head on purpose," I muttered, all happiness leeched from my body by this atmosphere created by the Ootori heir. "It's sort of…a long story."

"Why do you think I'm here? Start at the beginning; what happened when you left my estate that night? I assume Hikaru wasn't pleased you'd been out. You wouldn't meet my eyes the next day. What did he do?"

"Well…he was a bit more than displeased…He was…well, _really _serious."

"What are you talking about? What do you mean, 'serious'?"

"It's what we call it when…well…"

The more I told Kyouya, the more questions he had. It was an odd sort of testimony on my part. As much as I wanted Kyouya to understand, I wanted to hide all of the details from his intelligent, overly bright eyes.

"So, the two of you developed a physical relationship for moral support and mutual comfort? Is _that_ where those come from?" he inquired, pointing calmly at my covered chest.

"No, of course not. I haven't gotten to that yet…"

I told him about the _wonderful_ advice I'd given Haruhi. He looked ready to strangle me until I mentioned how much his proposition for the Club had helped me.

"He would _see_ me again, Kyouya! But…" I couldn't help but clench my fist. "Haruhi and he would go off…leaving me, and I…" I hung my head. "I suppose I _am_ 'unstable'."

"Kaoru?" he prompted, as I'd stopped talking. "What about your head?"

I smiled grimly, wondering how he'd take this bit of information.

"We…well, we had a small argument. I told him he can't tell me what to do, and he…" I trailed off, rubbing my eyes. "He said I would always do what I was told when we were being 'serious'." I twitched around the word as if it were the filthiest swear word I could think to utter. "I walked out, into another wing, but I couldn't sleep.

"In the morning, I felt horrible, so I went to the bath, but Hikaru was already there. He made me get in with him, and we talked."

"And why _did _you do that? Kaoru, that was a foolish thing to do, especially considering your brother's current state."

"I know," I agreed miserably. "But that's not all. Kyouya, I…I told him how I felt."

"And?"

"He rejected me, but then I said something—got careless, I suppose…or maybe I just had a death wish—anyway, he got really mad, and tried to dominate me, right there in the tub."

Kyouya was horrified—disgusted, even.

"But, thing is, he was too rough. He shoved me against the wall too hard, and I guess I hit my head. Next think I know, he starts going on about blood, and then, boom, I'm here."

"Kaoru, that's…I mean…" He kept stopping his sentences to stare at me, hands clenched nervously together.

"It's sick," I finished for him. "_I'm_ sick, aren't I?"

"No, you're fine. I mean, you will be…I think you just need to be away from Hikaru for a while. Is that okay?"

"What? You mean…spend _more_ time without him?! Kyouya…" I grabbed for his hands, ready to beg shamelessly. "Please, _please_ let me see him! I need him; I _love_ him, Kyouya! I have to be near him! Always together…Always _together_!"

"I'm afraid, Kaoru, that this is the exact thing you _don't_ need. You need to learn that there is still life without Hikaru. You have to realize that very soon, you will not be an active part of his life anymore." Kyouya shook off my grip easily, placing his cool hands on my shoulders.

I could feel that choking sensation again. My frozen heart lurched uncomfortably against my ribs, hammering into overtime.

"Kaoru, Hikaru is working on forging his own path in life, but what about you? You can't follow him forever. Besides, he has Haruhi. They'll probably want to start a family…or something…"

"N-no…He can't exist without me there. I know it. I won't be Kaoru without Hikaru next to me. It's like he's…he's…the sun in my life. And if he's the sun, then I'm the moon; I can only reflect what he gives me! I can't exist without a sun! Kyouya? Kyouya! Help!" I could feel myself suffocating. It was as if my lungs couldn't stretch, couldn't deflate. I was stuck in some lung-limbo and couldn't breathe.

"Kaoru, relax. You're hyperventilating now. Calm down."

I heard the words, but my body refused to respond. The youngest Ootori was on top of it, though. He grabbed a rubber glove, turned it inside out, and placed the hole over my nose and mouth.

"Kaoru, nice deep breaths…You'll be fine."

I followed his instruction as best I could, trying to stay alive so desperately…

My eyes were running from my trials as I regained my ability to breathe. I kept the glove on my face, though. I couldn't trust my treacherous body to behave itself just yet…

"You had a panic attack. Do you feel better?" I nodded, eyes closed as I focused on inhaling and exhaling. "Very good. You seem distressed at the thought of being separated from your twin."

"We've always…always been together."

"I see. You're scared of facing the world without him?"

"He's the sun. I freeze over without him there. I can't…can't talk to strangers without him beside me. I would always start crying or ignore them until Hikaru came back. I…I love him, Kyouya. Is that wrong? Am _I_ wrong?"

He sighed, pulling off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Yes, I'm afraid. Society wouldn't approve of you and your brother—your _twin_ brother, might I add—being together in the way you desire. It's simply not done in this day and age."

"I love him…but…" my eyes were still running. "Is it _right_, being in love with someone who…who would…who treats people as objects, to be won and lost? As toys to amuse himself with when he's bored?" I demanded. "I don't understand!"

"Neither do I, Kaoru," he murmured, leaning back in his chair.

"Neither do I."

* * *


	9. The Silence

Days passed. I remained there, in that white hell. It was terrifying. Occasionally, someone would come in, with food or medication, but then they would leave without a word.

It was horrible.

I knew I was being watched, but every time any person would come in, I'd say the same thing.

"Where's Hikaru?"

Nothing else.

I wondered, in all of my free time, if he was worried about me. I wondered if he went to school, went to the Host Club, flirted with girls…

Had sex with Haruhi…

It was agony, to be away from him for so long…

To be alone.

'I lied, Hikaru. I hate it…I hate being alone. I can't stand it anymore! I think I'm losing my mind!'

I recalled the oddest things, in that hospital bed.

I remembered meeting Tamaki. He was never able to tell us apart, only guess. It was astonishing how much effort he put into it, though. I suppose that's why we both accepted his invitation. He had quite the charisma, milord.

If only we could've known him better.

Underneath his idiocy, Tamaki was a complex character, with many good qualities.

'He really is like a father to all of us.'

I remembered the first thing Kyouya ever said to us.

"Don't embarrass yourselves for this idiot's sake."

I smiled at the memory.

Our frosty Demon King.

Our mother.

He too possessed many hidden qualities. I had once written him off as an Outside oddity.

An exception in that dark, lonely world.

I had assumed that he had no qualms about his given path in life, his assigned goals, his ridiculous obstacles…

But now…

It's so obvious now that it was all clever deception. Kyouya had shaped the entire world around him, giving them an aim age of the content third son, but on the inside, he was burning up, a complete disaster.

Our poor, dear mother.

I never understood how someone like him could befriend someone like Tamaki.

'Perhaps it was just Tamaki who befriended him,' I mused, recalling how captivated everyone had always been by the half-French romantic.

How utterly ensnared…

Hunny and Mori, though…

The martial arts lords had never been as close to us as the others, but we were still all a family.

Like the first entire sentence I'd heard from Mori.

"We protect our own. No one will ever hurt you with us around."

Hunny had nodded vigorously, mouth full of cake.

I smiled at the sound of Mori's voice. It wasn't something most people got to hear.

Hunny was different though, Mori's absolute foil.

"Kaoru! Hikaru! You're so cool! Come and eat cake! Cake!"

But when Hunny was serious…

"Kaoru? We're all gonna' be pals forever, right? Even when we're old and smelly? Kaoru? Hikaru?"

I think Hunny was always scared of growing up, being forced to abandon everything important to him, like cake and bunnies. He was just a happy child at heart. He was content, and old and experienced enough to know what that meant.

I'd always envied that part of him.

It was an easy thing for an outsider to overlook, but I knew Hunny fairly well. He always knew what he wanted.

Almost the same as Hikaru.

Hikaru always came through with something if he wanted the rewards.

The benefits…

In that way, too, he was like Kyouya, seeing the profit at the end as motivation.

It was enough, for him.

But I suppose I was the one to pay for it in the end.

* * *

I didn't know why I was still in the hospital. 

I was fine.

I could get up, walk around, eat, sleep, stretch, all without my head bothering me.

They still thought I was a threat to myself.

They thought I would hurt myself more.

But the solitude was killing me.

I felt like screaming until my throat bled.

But then, some number of days later, Kyouya came back in, an old-style telephone in his hands.

"They said you could make some calls to 'sort matters out.' I think they mean to keep you in here until you tell one of the doctors about…_this_."

I hardly heard a word of what he said.

I had a phone.

I could finally hear Hikaru's voice again.

"Tell them I will, Kyouya!" I begged. "I'll talk, just let me see everyone again!"

"I'll send someone in as soon as they can," he agreed easily, handing the phone to me.

I took it with trembling hands and slowly dialed a very familiar number. The demon king sat down in one of the few chairs as I listened to the ringing on the other end.

And ringing…

And ringing…

"_Hello? Who is this?"_

"Hikaru? Hikaru, it's me!"

"_Kaoru?!"_ It was such a relief. I felt all tension flood from my body at the sound of my twin's voice. _"What's been going on? Why can't I see you? Why didn't you call sooner? Kaoru!"_

"I'm sorry. They won't let anyone in. This is the first time they've let me use a phone."

"_Listen, Kaoru…I'm sorry…so sorry."_

"No, it's fine," I said, trying to keep him away from apologies. It really dampened the mood. "I'm just glad to talk to you."

"_Me, too. When can you come home? Aren't you better yet?"_

"Yes, but I can't say for sure. Kyouya's going to help me."

"_Is Kyouya there?"_

"Yeah, he's right here."

"_Let me talk to him."_

"Hikaru?" It was painful. My first contact with him—anyone—in nearly a month, and he wanted to talk to _Kyouya?!_

"_Just do it. I'll see you soon."_

I handed the phone back to Kyouya, who listened for a while, giving 'yes'es and 'no's as needed and then hung up.

"What did he say?" I asked miserably.

"Just to make sure you get home today, which I doubt." He frowned for a moment before adding, "He's been very worried about you. He nearly assaulted me every day to learn more about your condition. Needless to say, there hasn't been much to tell."

I remained silent.

What was there to say? _'Damn right he was worried about me!'_

I don't think so.

"Anyway, I'll get someone to see you as soon as I can."

"Thanks, Kyouya," I said with honest gratitude. He nodded making to leave, but paused at the door.

"Kaoru, you'll be fine. I'll make sure of it."

And he was gone.

* * *

Instead of remembering things, I imagined things. The doctor Kyouya had arranged for me to see didn't arrive for another three days after the phone call, so I had a lot of time on my hands…again. So I spent it all exercising my imagination. 

I imagined that Hikaru really did love me.

I imagined that Haruhi really did love Tamaki more than my brother.

I imagined that Haruhi had a baby.

I imagined that I was on the world's largest Ferris wheel, able to see for miles to the deep blue ocean and beyond.

I imagined visiting France again, or Sweden, or even Peru.

I felt so trapped in my little white box/cage.

Trapped and cold.

Hospitals really are freezing.

But when that doctor did come, I wouldn't chill out. I kept getting nervous and twitchy.

"Why do you think I am here?" he asked from behind his clipboard.

"Because you need to know how I got hurt."

"Almost," he replied condescendingly, scribbling something down. Behind there, he appeared Western. Possibly even American. "I need to know _why_ you are hurt."

"I slipped in the bath and hit my head on the wall," I answered, unable to stop fidgeting.

"And what of your arms? Your chest?" A pair of glasses peered over his notes at me. "Your back?"

"I…did it myself. All of it." I felt that I spoke too defensively.

Too automatically.

"Oh? And _why?_"

His tone was aggravating. Hikaru would have socked him by now.

"Well, I guess I'm just…having trouble adjusting to a life with less…attention."

"And who isn't as attentive?"

The questioning continued in this fashion for a lone while. Right before he left, though, he jotted something down on a piece of paper and set it on my bedside table. After he was long gone, I snatched it up, surveying it pointedly.

It was a prescription for Prozac.

* * *

Hikaru was waiting when I came home two days later, pills in hand. I dropped them quickly, and ran to him. I had so missed the way our bodies fit together. I loved it. 

I loved _him_.

But then he asked me about my pills.

"I don't need them," I answered immediately as he read the label. "I won't take them."

But he frowned, handing them to me.

"If they say you need them, you should take them. As long as you're Kaoru again, I don't care what you have to do to get there." And I was in his arms agin. "I never feel right without you, Kaoru," he murmured, kissing my shoulder.

'_No,'_ I thought miserably, gripping the pill bottle tightly. _'That's what I should say to you.'_

Hikaru wrapped himself around me tightly that night, as if anchoring me beside him. I kept him close, too.

We wouldn't lose each other again.

"Hey, Hikaru?"

"Yes, Kaoru?"

"How're you and Haruhi? Did I miss much?"

"We fought again. She says I've changed a lot, but I still feel like me. Do I seem different to you, Kaoru?"

"Almost. You're still Hikaru, but…"

"But what?"

"But you're _Haruhi's_ Hikaru."

Not mine.

A long silence fell. My nose was rested on his chest, just below his collarbone. He smelled like Hikaru—a faint hint of citrus, mixed with what I imagined the color blue would smell like.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"I'm glad you're home."

His breath ruffled my hair, and I smiled into his skin.

"Me too."

We both tried to fall asleep, but we both failed.

"Hikaru?"

"Yes Kaoru?"

"Am I the moon?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"…Never mind." I felt heat rise in my face.

"No, really. It bugs me when you don't tell me these things."

"I…Well, it feels like…I can't explain it." I frowned, trying to rectify my mistake without reminding him of what I felt for him. "It's like…you're such a bright person; the sun. And if you're the sun, then I must be the moon. I mean, because we have a lot of the same qualities, but we're still two people. But we still share the same light."

"And you think I'm the _sun_?"

Only Hikaru could make me feel this ridiculous.

"Yeah."

"But…I can't be the sun." He sounded odd.

Almost miserable.

"When you smile…everyone looks at _you_."

I was stunned, pleased, embarrassed, and sympathetic all at once. I found Hikaru's hand and squeezed it, trying to communicate all that I felt in the gesture.

"Hikaru…"

It was at times like these that the distinctions in our relationship faded. It always made me wonder when he would say things like these. He would forbid my love for him, but promote our touching. He wouldn't let me kiss him, but he would say these tender things to me.

He would only speak to me in whispers, but it seemed that his words were exploding from his heart.

"Kaoru…please don't talk anymore."

"Why?"

"Because…just because. We have school tomorrow."

"We can skip."

"Kaoru, just go to sleep."

"I'm not tired, Hikaru; I've slept enough already."

"Just let me sleep!"

I flinched into him, already feeling sorry for having put him in such a conflicting position.

I knew that he loved me as a brother, and therefore didn't want to hurt me with outright rejection, but that he also knew my feelings for him, and obviously didn't return them—possibly was disgusted by them.

But I couldn't help what I felt…

What I wanted…

"Sorry," I whispered, kissing the hand that I still held in mine. He lightly tugged it out of my grip, and I felt the tears building up.

So much for the joyful reunion.

* * *


	10. The Guts

As I have said, the boundaries dissolved into nothing.

Some days, Hikaru would dote upon me, brushing against my flesh, kissing my throat, his body upon mine…

And the next…

I would be cast out. Disowned.

Unloved.

He would deny everything he had told me on what I had come to refer as Sunny days.

I called his coldness Storms.

It made more sense to me, since Haruhi was terrified of storms.

I too had come to know the terror felt on a Stormy day.

Poor Haruhi…

Every time I saw her, she looked more worn, less perky. I knew that this relationship was hurting her, and tried to speak to her about it, but every time I would approach her, she always had the same response.

"_I love him; I just want him to be happy."_

Even though that was exactly how I felt towards Hikaru, I felt disgusted by these words.

"Why won't you just tell him 'no'? Why do you let him torment you like this?" I demanded of her one day while Hikaru was using the bathroom.

"Because I can't stand to see him hurt."

It was ironic, wasn't it?

How utterly captive the both of us were to that sadistic monster. He kept us locked up in our own affection, making us do whatever he wanted…

And the pills…

He would bring up my medication anytime I had prepared to fight him.

"And how am I supposed to feel, Kaoru? You need pills just for you to be able to _smile!_ How am I supposed to know what you really mean and what part is just the goddamn pills?!"

I never took the pills.

Sure, I pretended to, slipping them into my pocket and throwing them away at lunch.

Counting carefully and always refilling the prescription right on time…

But I just couldn't bring myself to _take_ any of them.

It would feel sacrilegious to everything I stood for.

Everything I ever thought about Hikaru being so dishonest.

How could I be honest if I didn't even know for sure how I felt because of some stupid drug that I didn't even ask for?

How would that prove any point at all?

No, the pills were not for me. I didn't take them, and I didn't feel any better about it.

But I couldn't tell Hikaru that. He might tell someone else, even if on accident, and then I'd have to go back to that hell…

I couldn't stand the seclusion. I didn't want that pain ever again, so…

I did everything Hikaru asked of me.

I felt that if I disappointed him in the least, he'd abandon me again…

Leave me all alone and run off to Haruhi…spend every second with her and make me beg him to come back.

I couldn't live with myself if I ever—_ever_—went to my twin to beg. It would make me feel so meaningless, especially to him.

I used to be his world.

Now, I'm only the moon.

And it's a very Stormy night indeed.

"Kaoru, I just don't understand why you feel so depressed all the time. I mean, look at me! We do everything together, and I'm just fine."

I couldn't argue with him, so I agreed with him.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I'll tell those quack doctors that I don't need medication." As if they would listen anyways. But it didn't seem that agreeing with him would make him any happier than fighting with him.

"No, Kaoru, just take the goddamn pills. It's fine, _really._"

"Okay Hikaru."

"Let's go to bed."

"Okay Hikaru."

"Kaoru?"

"Yes Hikaru?"

"Stop it."

"Okay Hikaru."

He got into bed, watching me pointedly as I turned off the light and stripped to my underclothes. As I climbed in on my side of the bed, he rolled to observe me, face completely serious, and said, "Kaoru, you need to get laid."

I almost laughed, but managed to sputter, "W-what?!"

"That's why you've been so upset, isn't it? Because Haruhi will have sex with me and not you."

I didn't feel like laughing anymore.

"How about I let you borrow her sometime?" he asked, still completely serious.

"Hikaru, you can't just say things like that. Haruhi's really in love with you."

"No, she isn't, actually. She keeps shouting that she thinks you'd be a better boyfriend. So, I figure that we just test that. You're such a little wuss, I doubt she'll be able to tolerate it for too long, so I think I should just let her know what she's asking for."

It was like he was stabbing me somewhere near my liver.

"Hikaru, that's not…I mean, she was just upset. She couldn't have meant—"

"I know; isn't it great?" he snickered, finally rolling back onto his back. "She'll finally understand what she means by her stupid, dumbass words. One day with you, and she'll be begging to come back to me."

"Stop it," I whispered, turning away from him.

He'd been meaner to me, during these Storms, but he'd never brought Haruhi into it before. It had always been strictly about how fucked-up _I_ was. Haruhi was only a side note; the slightly out-of-focus foundation of his rage.

"What's wrong?" he mocked, draping his body across me. "Are you upset at what I'm saying about that bitch? Or are you just disgusted by the thought of girls _doing_ it, cuz' you're such a little faggot?"

I covered my ears, letting the tears fall.

"Stop it. You don't mean it."

"Oh, boo hoo," my evil twin jeered, flinging himself off of me. "Just go take some of your pills."

I couldn't handle the abuse. I was considering taking my medication, just out of spite.

Just so I could feel like I might actually deserve this punishment that made so little sense to me.

Why did he _hate_ me so much?

He knew I loved him.

He knew I'd do anything for him…

He was just exploiting it to lord it over someone who couldn't possibly fight back.

But…he was serious.

The next day during Host Club, he dragged Haruhi over to my table and shoved her into my lap.

"Your problem now, bro." He said it so casually…like he didn't care about her at all.

She, on the other hand, appeared to be on the verge of tears, and her left cheek looked remarkably swollen. I looked wordlessly at Kyouya, who nodded, a stunned expression uncharacteristically slapped on his usual cool face. I stood, leaving the music room, dragging Haruhi with me.

Words couldn't describe the absolute loathing I felt at that time, all of it directed towards the one person I loved more than air itself.

The one person who could make me feel anything at all.

"He hit you?" I asked in the men's bathroom as I held a damp hand cloth to her bruised cheek.

"It's no big deal."

"Yes it is, Haruhi."

"He hits _you_ all the time." She meant it to be accusatory and harsh, but it came out a sad mumble.

"He's not dating me. He can hit me all he needs to."

"He always did, didn't he? Because he was mad at me…"

She broke down crying, clutching me for support, and I held her warmly, compress lying forgotten on the ground.

"I'm so s-sorry, Kaor-ru," the girl bawled. "It's all my fault!"

"He's an asshole because he's him. Don't hate yourself for that, Haruhi," I soothed, rubbing her back slowly.

But I felt tempted to cry myself.

If Hikaru had hit me because of her, she'd probably been hit because of me. I didn't even want to think of the awful things he must've said to her.

_Done_ to her.

"B-but…it's my f-fault that you had to get hurt. I d-didn't ever mean to do anything like that…"

"Haruhi, I'm sure you must have had worse than me."

She shook her head, smacking me several times. I sighed, pulling her to sit down on a sofa in the corner. I was told that they had been added because of girls' complaints that there was no comfortable way to wait for friends who were taking care of…_business_. Boys got them too, because it wouldn't be fair otherwise. I silently thanked whichever whiny bitch had suggested it in the first place.

"Haruhi, just calm down. We can get through this. We just need to teach Hikaru that there is a world outside of him."

She nodded, hiccupping softly. The poor girl looked like she could use more comforting, but I couldn't bring myself to hold her again. I kept her locked in my gaze, eyes flickering briefly to her cheek.

"How did that happen, anyway? What did he do?"

"I told him I'd rather…" The regular side of her face turned a very deep red, and she looked away. "I said you'd be a better boyfriend than him, and he got…mad." She offered me an apologetic glance. "He called you a faggot."

"He does this often."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not your fault"

"It still must be a horrible thing to hear from your brother."

"I've heard worse."

"…that's so sad, Kaoru."

"Not really. He's just a dick-wad."

"I know what you mean."

I moved closer to her, and she scooted closer to me.

"He won't stop, will he?" she whispered desperately.

"No, I don't think he will."

Haruhi's head dropped to my shoulder without warning.

"I'm glad that…that I can finally talk to someone about this."

"…Yeah."

"…How have you managed for so long?"

"Kyouya helped me with it. He's not a bastard, by the way."

"I know. He's very kind."

A long silence passed that neither of us tried to fill. It was too sad, in that luxurious bathroom, to be discussing these things. I put my arm around my brother's girlfriend's shoulders, squeezing her tightly. Her hand found my free one, and we just sat there. I pretended that we were somewhere else; somewhere Hikaru didn't exist. I pretended that both of us didn't need him anymore.

"Why does it matter to you so much?" I asked after too much silence.

"What do you mean?"

"That relationship? How do you still care about him?"

She chuckled without humor.

"I suppose I could ask the same thing of you."

"He's my brother. We've never been apart. What's your excuse?"

"I guess…I guess I'm just too used to facing everything alone…It's just been nice to have someone there beside me; someone who isn't afraid of the things that I am. It just makes everything…so much easier to face."

Her fingers wrung mine briefly, and a smile played about my lips.

" 'You're not as alone as you think you are'," I quoted, feeling strange as the words passed through my mouth.

"What?"

"It's just something Kyouya told me."

"Kaoru?"

"Yes Haruhi?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"And why would you do that?"

"I want to know if it's like Hikaru's."

"It's not; trust me."

But against better judgment, her lips came up to meet mine, and I was totally unprepared.

I liked it more than I should.

"You kiss like a girl," she murmured as she pulled away from me, a slight smirk on her lips. I felt color rise in my face.

"So do you," I shot back lamely.

"Kaoru," she giggled, "you make absolutely no sense."

But she didn't say it with a frown inside.

* * *

We returned to hosting much more cheerfully.

The guests didn't seem to mind Haruhi being there; in fact, they seemed to enjoy it more with her there, as she kept conversation alive.

Our little 'natural'.

As always, I could see in a split second why Hikaru had fallen in love with her. Was it so wrong to know such things? Wouldn't it be obvious to anyone, especially one as tuned to Hikaru's preferences as I was?

Didn't it make perfect sense?

After the Club was over, Hikaru left immediately. I didn't follow, knowing he'd be in a foul mood. Instead, I stayed behind with Haruhi.

"I think I figured out how to get back at him," she stated after a while.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah. You and I should get together."

"…What?"

"You know, you be my boyfriend."

"Are you serious?! That's a crazy idea!"

"No, it's not! Listen, we are the two people he needs in his life the most. If we disappear from his life together, he might just learn how to keep us around better. When things mellow over, we can come clean, and I'll get back with him!"

"Haruhi, that won't work. Ever."

"What? Why?!" she demanded, beginning to pout.

"Because, what if he just gets madder? He could seriously hurt someone!"

"Not if he's a depressed wreck."

"Haruhi, are you _listening_ to yourself? You're crazy!"

"Kaoru, just try it?"

"No."

"Kaoru—!" But I cut her off.

"Haruhi, _I'm _a depressed wreck! He'll hurt someone, and if neither of us are around, he'll hurt himself! I couldn't…" I broke off, rubbing my face. "I couldn't bear it if he hurt himself because of me."

"You mean, like you hurt yourself because of him."

"…It's not as simple as that."

"Yes it is, Kaoru. You're in love with him, aren't you?!" the girl accused, growing more irritated.

"That's—!" I bit off my words, and she looked shocked. She obviously hadn't anticipated this reaction.

"Really? Kaoru, are you serious?!"

I hung my head, shuffling my feet. At least Kyouya hadn't told everyone.

"He found out, didn't he? That's why he keeps calling you those names, isn't it?"

"…yeah."

"I'm really sorry, Kaoru."

"Again, it isn't your fault. I didn't choose this. I don't _want_ it."

"I…I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing!" I ordered, not shouting, but coming close. Why wouldn't anyone just let it go?

We stood there for a while after that, not wanting to say anything, for fear of upsetting the other. We didn't even move as my phone rang.

"You should answer that," she whispered at the fourth ring.

"Yeah." I pulled it out of my pocket, flipping it open. "Hey."

"_Kaoru, where the hell are you?!"_

"Sorry. Just straightening up a few things. I can be home soon."

"_Bring Haruhi with you."_

And he hung up the phone.

"Hikaru?" Haruhi asked dryly. "What does he want?"

"For the both of us to come home," I answered in the same tone.

"Well, let's not keep our master waiting."

So we left, walking closely beside each other, but still slightly separated. We spent the entire journey home with only a few words until we pulled into the main gates.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes?"

"…I'm glad I kissed you."

"I wouldn't be, if I were you; Hikaru says that gay is contagious."

She gave a sad half-smile, following me inside. We made sure not to appear happy as we crossed the threshold, not wanting to give Hikaru the opportunity to take our pleasure away. As expected, he was waiting just inside the doors.

"Nice of you to drop by," he drawled from where he stood, leaning against the wall. "I let you spend some time alone just in case Haruhi could turn you straight, dear brother. She really is quite the slut, isn't she? Has she had sex with you yet?"

At this, I knew exactly what Hikaru had been using to torment Haruhi. I felt so disgusted. I couldn't bring myself to look at my brother's face.

"I'm kidding!" he roared as the hall apparently became too quiet for him. "God, can't you two take a joke?"

I kept a steady gaze on the ground.

"Well, are you just going to stand there or are you even going to say 'hi'?" my brother asked, growing impatient. We both muttered greetings, and Hikaru maintained a steady one-sided conversation, laced with insults. I felt so dirty by the end of it that I was ready to ask to take a shower.

"Of course you just _have_ to stay for dinner, Haruhi. I think Kaoru was planning to make himself into a sundae and let us eat him. I mean, I really don't go for that sort of thing, but you're a whore, so you _must_ have some mild interest in that kinky stuff."

"Hikaru…please…"

"What? What is it, Kaoru, you must speak up."

"Can I please go take a sh-shower?"

"Oh, is _that_ it? All right then, Kaoru, Haruhi, go take a shower together. I'll have the chef make something _special _for dinner."

"No, Hikaru, that's fine, I'll just—"

"Just_ what_, Haruhi? _He's_ your new boyfriend. Go keep him company while he's in the shower."

I looked at her, she looked at me, and we both sighed inwardly, walking up the stairs.

"Have fun you two! Don't slip!"

I wanted to kill him…

I wanted to kill him…

I wanted to kill him…

So very, very much.

"Haruhi?"

"Yes?"

"I'm really sorry."

"Don't worry about it. I'll just sit on the toilet or something."

"No, not that. About _him._"

She laughed bitterly.

"It's not your fault, is it? There's no point in apologizing for something you have no direct control over, is there?"

"…I'm just really sorry."

And we were in my bathroom, me in the shower, awkwardly undressing behind the curtain, and Haruhi perched on the toilet, reading a magazine. As I turned on the water, I thought I could hear her crying, but I passed it off as my imagination.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes?" I called over the water.

"Has he ever…_touched_ you?"

"…Why?"

The water was running, and so was my nose. My eyes were stinging, and I had nothing to blame it on.

"Just…just wondering."

A knock at the door startled us.

"Kaoru? Haruhi? How's it going?"

"Don't come in!" Haruhi screeched. I felt my heart stop.

"Why not? I've seen both of you naked." The knob began to turn…

…and stopped. The door was locked.

Thank God.

"Why did you lock it? No matter. I'll be right back with the key. You'd both better be in there."

"Why is he doing this?" Haruhi hissed, and I could hear all of her sorrow.

"To prove a point. I think you'd better just tell him you prefer him to me. This is getting out of hand."

"Move over; I'm getting in."

"What?!" I sputtered, nearly falling over. "Do you have that much pride?"

"I want to hurt him," she spat, shoving the curtain out of the way. I closed my eyes, turning away from the girl. "Kaoru, you're going to have to open your eyes."

"No, I don't," I replied, keeping away from her. She reached out, grabbing my shoulder, but I wrenched it away from her. "You're going to far!"

"Kaoru, look at me," she commanded. I'd spent too long obeying Hikaru to ignore a direct order, but I didn't do it quickly. My eyes were firmly shut until the last possible second. She was still wearing her underwear, but in the water, they didn't really conceal much.

As soon as my brain had processed what she looked like, I squeezed my eyes shut, not missing the sound of the door opening.

"Hello? You two ready to eat?"

My twin ripped the curtains back revealing the two of us just looking at each other.

"Kaoru, are you that gay? You disappoint me. You see, you're supposed to stick your—"

"Hikaru! You're going _way_ too far!" Haruhi shouted as I hung my head, keeping my eyes firmly shut. "Don't you give a _damn_ about me? Why are you so set on us being together? What kind of sick point are you trying to make? I already know that Kaoru is a million times of a better person than you, because he's a _gentleman!_ He would _never_ take advantage of an opportunity like this, even if he wanted to!"

"Haruhi, it's because he's gay."

"He is not, Hikaru, and you know it!" Now Haruhi rounded me on, wrenching my face level with hers and shouting, "Stand up for yourself, dammit!"

"Haruhi, I'm not…" I began, trying to think of something—anything—to say.

"Not what, Kaoru?" Hikaru taunted, crossing his arms.

"A gentleman," I responded, finally deciding on something to do.

It was such a daring move.

I leaned forward, grabbed Haruhi in my arms, and kissed her with every ounce of defiance I could muster.

I guess I never realized that I had it in me…

* * *


	11. The Trade

Hikaru was defenseless.

We were his followers, but we had revolted.

He was the leader of air.

Haruhi and I would flirt around him, and he wouldn't be able to stand it. We would rub it right in his face.

He was jealous, but he wasn't mad.

He was _hurt._

He somehow felt that _we_ had betrayed _him._

I almost felt sorry for him.

But Haruhi and I enjoyed watching him squirm.

She didn't really care for me, not in _that _way. It reminded me of Suki in an odd way.

Only, Haruhi wasn't delusional.

Neither of us cared strongly for the other; we just needed to make Hikaru pay.

It wasn't even about him learning a lesson anymore. He'd left the bedroom, sleeping in another wing of our mansion.

I was finally free of him.

I could breathe again.

But sometimes…

Sometimes, late at night when I couldn't sleep, I would picture Hikaru back before he went psychotic. I could see him perfectly in my head…

I still loved that Hikaru.

Affection for him still existed deep within my heart.

More than anything, I wanted to stand next to that person again, without a shred of doubt. Without worrying about what he could do to me.

I know he confronted Haruhi. She didn't crack. I couldn't have trusted myself to be so firm with a broken, susceptible Hikaru. I would want to cradle him to me, ask him to forgive everything I'd done.

But that was just it; I couldn't apologize to him anymore.

No more trust.

* * *

"Kaoru?" Haruhi whispered to me one day during class. It was the third day in a row Hikaru hadn't bothered to show up. 

"Yes?"

"Are we doing the right thing?"

"He'll never learn if we don't knock him down hard."

But at the Host Club that day, Kyouya was missing too.

"Our precious club is cancelled today, my children," Tamaki sobbed, clutchi9ng Haruhi to him. She shuddered, slipping from his grasp. As the other three filed out silently, I exchanged a glance with Haruhi.

"Seeya' Kaoru," she said quietly.

"Yeah. Bye."

When I got home, Kyouya had apparently come and gone, and a message was waiting for me. I took it from a maid, but didn't open it. Anything Kyouya had to say at that point would just scar my pupils. I tromped up to my room, throwing the letter onto my bedside table and flopped down on my bed.

_Our_ bed.

I had to sit up, feeling sick.

I sighed heavily, taking the note and ripping it open. When I had read it fully, I dropped it in shock, diving down to read it again.

'_Hikaru is going to be hospitalized. I will call you when he's stable.'_

I stopped breathing.

"Hikaru," I breathed, running to the front door.

"Get me to the hospital!" I roared, halfway down the stairs. Right on cue, four men darted out of nowhere, opening the door and escorting me to the already waiting car. I ran out ahead, phone out, dialing Haruhi's number before I was even in the car.

"_Hello?"_

"Haruhi, it's me. Hikaru's in the hospital."

"_What?!"_

"He's in the hospital. I'm on my way there now. Do you want me to send a car?"

"Kaoru…I can't. I mean…we shouldn't—" "Fine," I snapped, hanging up on her. A few buttons later and Kyouya's number flashed across my screen. I hit the 'dial' button. 

I got his message box.

I hung up, swearing colorfully, and demanded how long it would take to get to Hikaru.

"Not long," the driver assured me, sweating an awful lot. Quite the nervous guy…

I massaged my temples vigorously, wondering just what state Hikaru would be in once I arrived.

But when I did arrive, the waiting room was eerily calm. I made a beeline up to the receptionist, heart failing.

"Hitachiin Hikaru," I said, trying not to stumble over my words.

"…He's in critical condition right now; you're going to have to wait out here until he's been stabilized."

She said it so casually.

I felt like smashing her face in her keyboard.

My brother—my other half—could be _dying_ and she discussed the matter as she might a passing trend.

"W-what happened to him?!" I demanded in a low voice, beginning to tremble.

My stomach felt oddly cold.

"I'm not allowed to tell you that."

"I'm his twin brother! Just tell me what happened!"

"I'm afraid you're going to have to sit down, or I'm afraid I'll have to have you forcibly removed from this facility," came a cold voice from behind me.

"Kyouya!" Relief swelled up inside of me as I turned to face said person, an explosion of warmth flowing throughout my body.

It stopped as I met his eyes.

They were filled with anger and disdain.

"Nice of you to come."

"What happened? What's wrong with him? Where's Hikaru?!"

"Why did you come here?"

"Because Hikaru's here," I answered slowly.

"I told you I'd call. Is there really any point in wasting your time here?"

"But…Kyouya, what happened to Hikaru?"

"He slashed his wrist. Why? Do you suddenly care?" His voice was calm and casual, but the words were as bitingly cruel as his eyes.

My throat froze over. I couldn't talk…or breathe.

I felt a panic attack coming, but I was frosted over.

"What is it, Kaoru? I thought your pointless revenge was all you cared about."

"H-Hikaru…tried to kill…" I couldn't make the words fit together. Everything felt so unreal…

So cold…

"Judging from your expression, you weren't being as honest say you keep insisting you are. Didn't you hate your brother for those things he did to you and Haruhi?"

"Yes, but…but he…But I…It never was sup-posed to get so…_bad._"

It felt like I had fallen from a roller coaster mid-loop-de-loop, my feet trying to catch up with my head so I could catch myself at the end of the open plunge, but…

The ground wouldn't come.

I was suspended in the air, flipping over myself countless times.

"Where is he?"

"He's getting stitched up and they're pumping blood back into his system," the Ootori sniffed, glancing at his watch.

"Can I see him? Where is he?!"

"Not until he wakes up, I'm afraid."

"B-but…Kyouya, you've got special treatment here! You came to see _me,_ didn't you?"

"That's different. You weren't nearly as bad as he is. We need to stay out of the way so that the doctors can fix him up as quickly as possible." He frowned, but then chuckled a bit, as if to himself. When I asked him about it, he replied, "It's funny. The both of you _still_ act the same."

"What do you mean?"

"Hikaru was just the same when it was _you _who was in here."

* * *

I was pacing restlessly around the waiting room. 

'Hikaru…'

I couldn't stop moving for more than a minute or so before horrific images passed through my head. I t was so glaringly obvious; how could I have missed it?!

Hikaru was too much a part of me to lose.

If he died, I wouldn't be able to survive.

Kyouya would occasionally vanish, and then reappear, always quiet an d collected looking.

But I knew his insides were in turmoil.

Not even the Prince of Darkness himself could face losing such a bright person.

…Losing the sun.

For the last time, Kyouya came to stand beside me.

"He's up," he said simply.

I just looked at him.

"He's _alive,_" he clarified.

"Where is he?" I asked in a whisper.

"Follow me."

I obeyed, walking down hall after hall, finally arriving at a partially opened door.

I stared at it for a long while before Kyouya ushered me inside.

And for the first time in days, I got a good look at my twin.

He looked completely wrong.

He wasn't the sun anymore.

He looked as if the sun had burned him out, leaving desolation behind his soft topaz eyes, making them look like dark, solid honey.

Maybe even tar.

Those eyes widened, making his thin face seem nonexistent as he processed who I was.

"Kaoru?!"

His voice was hoarse, strained by his near encounter with death.

"Hikaru!"

I flung myself at him, simple tears making way for great, wracking heaves and spasms in my lungs. I took careful pains to stay away from the tubes coming from his left arm, trying not to strain his broken body.

He seemed so small.

Had this person really been able to hurt me so much?

"Kaoru? I thought…What are you…?"

"Hikaru, you idiot! What the hell were you thinking?!"

"B-but…" I buried my face in his chest, hearing him hiss as his entire body shook. I hesitantly pulled back, sitting next to him on his bed, holding his right hand. "I thought…Haruhi and you…What?"

I swiped at my eyes, watching him carefully.

"You wouldn't listen otherwise. We had to make you stop."

"Kaoru…I…I'm sorry…I _lost_ it."

"I don't like Haruhi like that, Hikaru," I whispered intensely. "Win her back, if you want. Just…" I felt so much pain right then. "Promise you won't do those things to us anymore. We miss the _old_ you: the bright, happy Hikaru. We both love you…_so_ much."

"Kaoru, listen to me," he began, bleak eyes beginning to show some humanity. "I…I have to tell you…everything."

He sat up, taking my left hand in his as well, matching us up to face each other completely.

"I was so…_scared_ when you were in here the first time; after I had started hosting with Haruhi. I knew you weren't adjusting well to less time with me, so…well, when you asked me to be 'serious' with you…well, I guess I didn't really think too much of it. But later…

"Later when I was with Haruhi, I couldn't help but wonder what had happened. I mean, you'd had that…_dream_ but I could easily overlook that; you can't pick what you dream about. At first, I thought you just needed comfort, but later, I wondered if it was true. It was when you were with Suki that I began to figure it out.

"I really_ hated_ that girl for no discernable reason. She'd always been nice to me, polite, pretty, ladylike, and you liked her. She really shouldn't have bothered me at all, but she did. I resented her for taking you further from me…_too_ far. I wanted to know that you wouldn't leave me, especially when Haruhi got mad at me. I was really angry that first night. I…well, touched you, and I know I hurt you—I can never be sorry enough about that. I just thought that if I marked you in that way, you'd never leave me. That Suki would back off…I wanted to make you_ mine_.

"But I panicked. I realized just what you must have thought when we were in the shower. When you kissed me. You…cried. You thought I was messing around, like always, and I did nothing to suggest otherwise. So I avoided you for a while. I just didn't want to fully admit it to myself, I suppose…

"But then…" I flinched, knowing what was coming next and broke our eye contact for the first time since he'd begun his speech. He kept right on going. "Then you went to Kyouya. You broke what I felt was a secret bond, and I guess…I wanted to punish you, but keep that bond at the same time, so I…I made you do _that_. But…that didn't work the way I wanted—not at _all._ _You _avoided _me_ now. I wanted to find you, tell you how I felt, because by then, I had realized what I felt; what I wanted. But there was no way to get it, with what I had begun with you and Haruhi. I couldn't even figure it out until so late…I tried to tell you…so many times, but I couldn't make the words. I knew you loved me. I knew I had hurt you, so…

"Well, I gave you the chance to get even. I wanted you to thrash and hurt me, but…you didn't. You were so _gentle_ with me…and I really cherished that. I wanted that night to last forever, but…but I'm an ass who can't keep a good thing without smashing it."

I was listening intently to his words, but…

I couldn't believe them. They were too good…too sweet…

He had to be pretending. My eyes found his again, and I could see the truth in the vacant gold pools.

I felt like crying and singing at the same time.

But he wasn't finished.

"Haruhi and I had sex, and everything changed. We became closer, and once again, you were pushed out to the sidelines. When she told me that it was _you_ who had told her those…_things_, I felt so miserable. At first, I thought it was because you didn't want me to love you like that, but then…

"Then, I said one careless thing, and you were so _hurt_…I didn't know what you wanted, only that you still thought of me. I was happy, but I didn't want that over you, y'know? I didn't want stupid sex stuff to rule our relationship. So that…in the bath…I wanted to tell you what I felt, what I wanted, but…you were so hung-up over Haruhi…so insistent…I couldn't tell you then. You had _hurt_ yourself again, all because I couldn't be there for you all the time. To tell you that I loved you then would be too selfish…

"Of course…that part after…I panicked. I told you 'no' because I didn't want to tell you under such heavy conditions. I wanted to tell you when it was right, but you…You wouldn't cooperate. I just wanted to hold you close to me and tell you that everything would be all right, but you said that…'by myself'…I lost control. I thought you would leave me, doing everything yourself, so I wanted to show you that you _had_ to belong to me. I had to make sure you were _mine._ I never wanted to hurt you, Kaoru. I never wanted you to resist me, to put up a struggle.

"I wanted you to love me as you'd never loved anyone else. After that, they took you away from me. I went to the hospital, nearly every day, demanding that I see you, but Kyouya would always make me leave. Haruhi came with me sometimes. I suppose she was really worried about me, but…

"Kyouya never treated me the same after that." He nodded at Kyouya, who I just realized was standing in the corner, watching our every move. " 'He must've heard the story,' I would think, and I would be sad, but I missed you too much to feel anything else. I just wanted to be with you again.

"When you _did_ come home, I was so happy. I could endure even the pills if it meant that you could be mine again.

"It was around this time that I realized that my feelings for you were wrong. It was a bad thing to love your twin brother so much, so I would push you away. I couldn't help wanting you, so I thought that everything would be fine if _you_ didn't want _me._ I began calling you names, hurting you, trying to make you stop loving me, so that I could try to be normal, but I was hurting Haruhi, too. I had to, because I finally figured out that I didn't really care for her; I only thought I did because I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't in love with you. I didn't want _anyone_ to realize what I felt, since it was…_is_ wrong. I wanted to push the both of you so far away that you wouldn't look back…but…

"I couldn't stand it. I would have to pretend to be so damn cold…so hateful. Every time either of you would look at me, I would feel like dying _so much._ When you two…when you _did_ get together, I realized just how much I cared for you, Kaoru. I wanted you to be mine more than_ ever_, but…

"But my evil ploy had worked. You were long gone. Only you were torturing me so much, Kaoru. As much as I wanted you to be happy, I wanted to make you belong to me and no one else. You were right, Kaoru. I _do_ treat people like objects. It's so much easier to pretend that they can't hurt you this way."

As he finished, he seemed more worn out, hunching over and losing his momentum. But he seemed so much more _alive_ than before. I couldn't trust myself to talk just yet, so I focused on is gauze-covered forearm, squeezing his cold hands in mine.

"I guess…" he mumbled after a silent minute or so, "I guess I just want to say…Kaoru, I love you so much. Will you…will you be with me? Forever?"

"I—" I tried, voice breaking. I cleared my throat, meeting his eyes.

And as our eyes met, I felt all doubt leave me.

It wasn't an act.

He wasn't pretending.

It wasn't imaginary.

Hikaru loved me…

And I loved him.

"I already am."

And he leaned in for a kiss.

As I kissed my brother back, I couldn't help but think, _'There's no way something like _this _could be wrong.'_

* * *


	12. The Act II

Hikaru was released from the hospital a week later with the condition that he would spend one hour in therapy every week for the next two months.

I couldn't have been happier.

"I'm home," he said, standing in the door to our room, face lit with relief and closure.

I didn't waste a moment, kissing him the instant the door clicked shut. His lips acted feverishly against mine, tongues meeting in between.

We could finally exist together again, without fear for stupid, Outside feelings.

Nothing could penetrate our happiness.

But still…

It soon became a battle for power that neither of us could control. We were crashing together, pushing each other into the walls, fighting to earn the upper hand, until Hikaru pushed me to the bed.

I looked at him carefully as he straddled my waist. He was breathing every bit as hard as me, his eyes burning with new passion and desire.

And none of it was sadistic or angry.

Our mouths met again, but I wasn't going to let him take over, just because he was on top.

"I want you," he moaned as I attacked his neck with my lips and teeth. "All I _ever_ wanted was you."

I grinned into his skin, flipping him over so I could be on top. He easily complied, using this freedom to pull off my shirt.

"Hikaru," I panted, running my fingers under his shirt. He pulled that off, too, sitting up and pushing me off to face him. His hands cupped my face, pulling us together so we could stare into the other's eyes. My arms lay weakly at my sides as his bright ambers penetrated my soul.

"Kaoru," my twin whispered tenderly, rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs. "I want you—_only_ you. We were meant to be together. We were _made_ together! There's no one else for us. I want to take you, right now. Is that okay? Are you ready for this?"

"Only if you can win," I teased, smashing against his kiss. Willingly…

Desperately.

My hands roamed around his chest as his kept our faces glued together. I wasn't about to complain, and not only because my tongue was already engaged in other activities.

I can't say just what I really did feel then.

I was happy, but so inexpressibly sad.

I was triumphant, but so defeated.

I was so in love…

Period.

Hikaru groaned into my every caress, every touch. It excited me to know what I could pull out of my brother, but I was ready for him to act as well.

I wanted to feel his fingers again…

I fought my mouth away from him.

"Your turn," I gasped, letting air into my lungs, but he just let his head fall to my shoulder.

It finally hit me that he had just left the hospital. He must've been tired, and I was asking too much of him. I threw my arms around him, rubbing his back in soothing strokes.

"You must be tired. Do you want to sleep? We can do this later," I offered, moving him to sit more comfortably in my lap. His shoulders were heaving in his desperation for air.

Finally, he picked up his head to glare at me in defiance.

"No. No, I can't wait."

I was confused by his belligerent pigheadedness, but I wasn't about to argue with the face closing in on mine.

The face so much like mine.

Trying to let him get in good breaths, I resumed my battle with desire, trying to best Hikaru in at least this. Our pants found their way to the floor, followed shortly by our bodies.

Hikaru had me pinned to the ground, on his hands and knees, and we spent some time just panting and staring into the other's eyes.

I wanted him so badly.

He wanted me.

I couldn't help but grin, grabbing him around the neck and pulling him down to me.

His body felt so warm against mine.

I could have stayed there forever, except for one thing.

Okay, _two_ things.

Both very large and insistent.

"Bed," I managed, clumsily standing, pulling Hikaru with me. We fell together, mouths locked again.

"I call top," Hikaru growled into my throat. I shivered, trying to protest, but I never got the opportunity.

Hikaru's boxers hit the ground, and mine followed shortly after.

"This could hurt you," he whispered, hands poised above my abdomen. I reached out to brush some of his hair away from his face, smiling as kindly as possible in light of my urgent impatience.

"Do it."

His hands grabbed my hips, stroking my skin as his fingers slipped further down…

Down…

Down…

Every second was a new bubble of pleasure. As one digit found my entrance, I gasped, but tried to regain control as Hikaru bent over my body, his face just above mine. He kissed my jaw as another finger slipped inside.

I gave a small cry, and the fingers froze. I rocked slowly into them, begging Hikaru to continue. He nodded, beginning a steady rhythm and forcing my body to keep up.

I easily complied.

Willingly.

_Desperately._

"Are you ready?!"

He left my body, and I found his face through haze of remaining euphoria. He seemed concerned, but determined.

"Yes, oh _God_ yes!" I moaned loudly, readying myself. Hikaru prepared himself, hoisting me up by the thighs and…

_Wham!_

I felt as if I could _hear_ him enter me.

At first, the pain was immense. My eyes swam and overflowed; my mouth opened and gaped noiselessly; my back arched and nearly gave out.

"Kaoru!"

He leaned over me again, frightened and worried. I grabbed his shoulders, biting sharply on his collarbone until the pain was replaced by an almost hysterical giddiness.

"Move!" I urged when I couldn't stand it anymore.

He began with such maddening slowness, gradually becoming more confident that I wasn't in any serious pain.

"_Kaoru!" _he cried, about to…

"_Hik-karu!" _I screamed, about to…

Oh my. What a mess…

Sweat glistened all over his body as my vision returned. My twin cautiously pulled out of me, breathing heavily. He came crashing down beside me, flat on his back.

"Wow," was the only thing he could say.

I rolled over to drape across him, my head filled with the sound of his heartbeat.

It was so quick…

Did _I_ do that to him?

"What was _that?_" he whispered some minutes later.

"I love you," I answered, kissing his chest without moving my head. I could taste his perspiration on my lips, and I smiled, savoring the flavor.

It was Hikaru's.

Something not even _I _had.

"I…love you…too."

He was so sleepy. I pulled the greatly abused sheet over our bare waists, hiding our nudity in case anyone were to barge in.

"I missed…you."

"I missed you too, Hikaru."

"That was…new. Not like Haruhi at all."

I rubbed his stomach absently. I didn't like this talk of Haruhi.

"Go to sleep. I'll feel bad if you don't get some rest."

"Okay Kaoru."

His eyes closed, fluttering every once and a while as he drifted unsteadily into his dreams.

I just lay there next to him, halfway on top of him, his arm holding me there.

In the brief seconds before falling asleep, I noticed a few things.

I realized that the bandage that had been on Hikaru's arm had come off during our…_activities_, and that a jagged line of stitches was now cutting into my back.

I realized that Hikaru's other hand was firmly grasping mine, fingers spasming every once in a while to squeeze my own.

But the main thing I noticed was…

For the first time I could remember, I was on Hikaru's side of the bed, and he was on mine.

It felt wonderful.

* * *

My eyes flew open a split second before the door, and I soon gathered exactly what the intruder would see. 

"What the hell are you doing?!"

I flinched into Hikaru, feeling him stir and begin to sit up, but he faltered and fell as he, too, took in the situation.

"Kaoru? _Hikaru!_"

"H-Haruhi…" I began, pulling away from my brother and sitting up, carefully keeping the sheets in place. "Calm down. It's not what you think."

"What I think? What I _think_?! How about what I _see_?!" the girl screeched, gesturing wildly at the chaos surrounding her. "What the fuck is _wrong_ with the two of you? This is…disgusting! It's _sick, _Kaoru!" She was on the verge of tears.

"We didn't do _that_, Haruhi," Hikaru interjected, rolling to his side. "It was a very warm night, so we undressed. It's not that big of a deal. We're _twins_ for chrissakes! Like we could ever do something that nasty!"

Haruhi looked uneasy, as if she both did and didn't want to believe what my brother had to say.

Me?

I turned away from the both of them, insides in turmoil.

Did he really think that?

That it was nasty?

Was he lying all along? Toying with us again?

Still?!

"Yes, I do feel better, thanks."

I had missed a chunk of shallow conversation, and didn't care.

"Haruhi, please leave so we can get dressed. Then we can have breakfast together."

"Okay, Hikaru. See you in a bit."

She shuffled out, leaving us in an uncomfortable rift.

"Let's get dressed," I mumbled after too much for me to handle. But as I stood up, Hikaru caught my wrist.

"You know I didn't mean that, right? I had to calm her down. I love you, Kaoru." He pulled me into his chest, securing my body to his. "No matter what."

"I l-love you, too."

I was still scared. I didn't want for him to lie to me. It terrified me how much power he still had over my life. He was my beacon, but he could still scorch me if I got too close.

But he still held my hand as we went down the stairs.

* * *


	13. The Mantra

**I would like to humbly apologize to all of my readers for the lateness of this chapter. As much as I'd like to give you the same old excuses, there is no excuse for this tardiness, and I beg your forgiveness. As penance, I will gladly accept any writing challenge thrown at me, by anyone. I am deeply sorry and hope you will not abandon me as I deserve.**

* * *

We were together, but no one could know. 

At school, I hardly looked at my brother.

At the Host Club, he was at his own table again.

So was Haruhi.

Haruhi…

I felt awful about that.

She would be all alone…

And it was all my fault.

Only I would be happy.

We couldn't both have Hikaru.

But from the looks I would sometimes receive from Hikaru, I couldn't help but wonder…

Maybe he was happy, too.

* * *

I longed to be with him again; to feel his arms around me. 

"Kaoru? What happened with you and Haruhi? What about Hikaru? What's been going on with you three?" a blond asked, eyes confused and prying, while still trying to remain sympathetic.

"We're all going to calm down for a while; everything'll work out fine," I lied, smiling reassuringly.

"Then why does Haruhi look so miserable?" the girl persisted. "And why was Hikaru in the hospital for so long?"

"Just a little accident. No big deal, really." I could feel my panic swelling my lungs and then puncturing them savagely. I kept my breathing even by great effort. "So, what about you, Sachiko? Have you gotten that horse yet?"

Changing subjects gracefully had never been one of my strong suits. As Sachiko rambled on about her mild mannered roan, the blond sulked in her seat, arms crossed, lower lip locked in a dangerous pout. As the others came and went, she stayed there, studying me avidly.

"What is it?" I asked after a while of this. "Can I help you?"

"I just want to know what's going on with you three. It's such juicy gossip!"

I fought back a twitch.

Our issues had been downgraded to gossip.

Insignificant.

Trivial, even.

They had no idea.

I caught Hikaru staring at me—again—and he quickly ducked his head, and I smothered a laugh.

"Well, nothing big is going on. I don't think it'll _ever_ be any of your concern."

"Do you love Haruhi?"

"Like a s-brother," I answered with an honest grin and excused myself to go join Hikaru.

I could never stand being away from him for too long…

* * *

"Why did you come over?" Hikaru asked in the car on the way home. I shrugged, cuddling closer into him. His arm around my shoulders tightened slightly. "We can't let them know." But his hand was already inside of my shirt, rubbing my collarbone where his new bruise was. My skin tingled and jumped against his touch, and I moaned quietly. 

"Hikaru," I complained, embarrassed at the noises he could instigate with just a touch.

"What? Aren't you enjoying this?"

We were lying together on the seat, my back to his chest, so I couldn't see his expression, but I felt the devilish smirk growing on his face, and I stifled a chuckle, capturing his offending hand within my own.

"It's no fair if you get to have all the fun." With his help, I rolled to face him, smiling to find the exact expression I had anticipated. I quickly brushed my lips against his, keeping his hands in mine.

"Oh, Kaoru," my brother tutted, pressing our foreheads together. "You must get lonely."

"Not as much as Haruhi."

He stopped smiling, and we lay there in silence until we glided to a smooth stop. We then quickly sat up, hiding all evidence of our incriminating embrace, waiting for the door to open.

We were back in or room before the conversation resumed.

"Kaoru, I care about Haruhi, but I love _you_. It's sad, but there isn't room for anyone else."

"We should at least explain—"

"No!" he interrupted me, eyes panicked. "We can't tell her…_anyone!_ It's just us!"

"…Are you ashamed?" I asked the floor. Embarrassing as it was, I couldn't raise my eyes or my voice.

"No Kaoru, don't think that. It's just…our family name…our status…if word got out, Mom's business would be in trouble. They would turn it into a scandal…"

I threw myself on our bed, elbows on my knees and head in my hands. Hikaru crouched down in front of me as I pouted.

"Kaoru, don't be upset; it's just how things work. It isn't _right_ for us to be together."

"Do you really think that?"

"I never said I didn't _want_ this, just that no one else would see it the same way as us." His hands grabbed one of mine, holding it to his mouth. "I love you Kaoru," Hikaru murmured into my skin. "I don't know how many times I need to say it before you'll start believing it."

"Just give this time," I pleaded softly. "I've wanted this for…for so long…I just need to get used to it."

"Happily ever after and all that jazz," he muttered with a soft chuckle. "It's different than the stories, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I sighed, pulling him to sit beside me. I laid my head on his shoulder, smirking as his hand rose to stroke my hair.

"Don't sweat it, bro. We'll work this out. We'll get it right eventually."

It was so easy to believe him.

We were sharing the same dream.

* * *

There wasn't school, so we stayed home. 

No one called, so we stayed in, just being together.

We watched movies, cuddled, and looked at each other often.

It didn't feel real.

"Kaoru?" Hikaru whispered, halfway through an American comedy. "It's dark in here and I'm bored."

I grinned, hoisting myself up to kiss the corner of his jaw. His body shifted to lay under mine, arms around me tightly instead of the loose embrace from a few seconds before. His mouth found mine easily, lips begging for company. I smirked into his teeth.

"Watch the movie, Hikaru," I ordered him, pulling away.

"You're so mean!" the boy grumbled.

It was odd. Even though Hikaru was a few seconds older than me, it had always seemed that he was years younger than me. He was only my older brother technically; I was far more mature than him.

"Please?" he asked, grip securing me to him. I fought against him playfully, but we both knew where this was headed.

It was only a matter of who would be on top.

"We should go back to our room," I told him before his teeth made extraordinary contact with my throat, disabling my voice box, not to mention my will to speak.

"No fun," he mumbled into my neck.

His grip slackened, and in less than a second, I was lying pinned beneath Hikaru as his hands worked their skilled magic on my waist.

"H-Hikaru!"

It was too much.

Too easy.

I was too overwhelmed too soon. My body shut down. I stopped squirming against his touch, pleading with my eyes, breathing too heavily.

I couldn't move, and Hikaru didn't notice…at first.

"Kaoru? What're you…" he trailed off, taking note of my vacant expression. "Kaoru?"

"Yes?"

"Are you okay? Did I hurt you?"

"No."

"What's going on? Are you sick?"

"No."

"Then what?! You love me, right?"

"Yes."

"You like what we do together, right?"

"Yes."

"Then what's the matter?"

My brain was sluggish, unwilling to let me answer my twin. I just lay there, barely able to make out his face in the haze of my body's stubborn apathy.

"Kaoru?" He pulled me back on top of him, resting my head on his chest, the contours of his body aligning with mine. "Let's finish the movie," Hikaru said sadly, stroking my hair with a smooth, almost mechanic, motion, over…

And over…

And over…

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Don't. Don't do it, Kaoru," my brother begged weakly. "Don't apologize, just tell me what's wrong so we can _fix_ it."

Again, I couldn't say anything. I just lay there, soaking in Hikaru's warmth, leaving him cold and empty.

But there was nothing I could give to him.

I was only the moon…

Wasn't I?

* * *

Hikaru enjoyed sex, as expected of a healthy adolescent male. 

I, on the other hand, didn't care one way or the other.

Sex was pleasant, but not important.

I understood the basics of intercourse, like what went where and why, but I didn't understand sex with Hikaru.

Don't get me wrong, it was always incredible, but…

The purpose of sex is to make babies. Two boys can't make babies.

Was that why Hikaru said it was wrong?

That's what I figured out in class the day after the movie incident. It must have been this that my brain realized, forbidding my body to take part in such animalistic gratification.

'It is wrong,' became my mantra, sitting there in class.

Every time I wanted to look at Hikaru, 'It is wrong.'

Every time I wanted to kiss him, 'It is wrong.'

Every time I wanted to hold his hand, 'It is wrong.'

Every time I _wanted_ Hikaru, 'It is wrong.'

When I looked down at the paper I was supposed to be taking geography notes on, I saw that mantra scrawled on every inch of the page. I hastily crumpled it into a little ball and dropped it into my bag, fishing out a fresh piece of paper. I could tell that both Hikaru and Haruhi were looking at me, but, 'It is wrong.'

"Pardon me, sensei," I said, interrupting his lecture. "I feel ill. May I go to the infirmary?"

"Do you need an escort?"

"No. I just need to go. Now."

"All right, then," he murmured, shaking his head.

I was out of the room before he even resumed the lecture…

Before Hikaru's eyes could find mine.

I just had nowhere to go.

No one to talk to.

Except…

"Kyouya!" I exclaimed, halting in the middle of the empty hall.

Hadn't he told me to come to someone else with my problems? Maybe he would know how to help.

I walked down to his classroom and knocked on the door.

"Excuse me, but I need Ootori Kyouya for Onomara-sensei. He's a bit mixed up," I lied easily, smiling my polite, innocent smile. Two seconds later, Kyouya and I were walking slowly away from the door, silence growing between us.

"What does he need help with?"

"Nothing; I need your…advice."

He sighed, glaring at me. "I'm not your personal counselor, Kaoru."

"I know, but there's no one else I can talk to about this."

"Not even Hikaru?" The young heir seemed curious.

"It's, well, _about_ him. Us."

"Trouble in paradise?"

"Something like that."

I stuck my hands in my pockets as we continued our leisurely stroll to nowhere in particular.

"Explain."

"I love Hikaru, but it's just going to take time to adjust. Hikaru doesn't seem to need that time, and I get all jumbled. But he's so…contradictory. He gets so hypocritical. He says it's wrong for us to be together, but…he doesn't have any trouble…erm…"

"Do _you_ think it's wrong?"

"No!" I answered too automatically, remembering the mantra lying crumpled in my bag. "I mean, I…I try not to think about right or wrong.

"That's your problem, Kaoru. You need to talk this out with Hikaru—not me. Figure out what your relationship means, fix what you want fixed, or break it off. Hikaru can run back to Haruhi, and you won't have a problem anymore."

I stopped walking. The severity of his words struck me so forcefully, I could only focus on breathing.

"K-Kyouya…isn't that a bit…"

"A bit what?" he snapped, turning to face me. "_Mean_? Then don't ask for my advice!"

"Does it irritate you?"

"To be honest, yes." But Kyouya paused, regarding me carefully. "But…not as much as not knowing. You two are…intimate, then?"

"Yes. Is that...wrong?"

"Kaoru, honestly, what is _right_ about the two of you? As long as you two aren't torturing each other anymore, I've no reason to be involved. Be…_happy_, okay?"

I smiled at him, fully ready to hug him until he died, but I didn't think that such gratitude would be well received.

* * *


	14. The Intruder

It wasn't altogether a "new" experience, merely a weird one.

I never knew how to react to being inside of my twin.

His back was pressed against my bare chest as he sat in and _on_ my lap, kept there by my arms. His impatient bouncing only hindered my attempts to gather my wits.

"Kaoru…_move!_" he panted, wriggling around my heightened sensitivity.

I rolled us forward to give me room to thrust into him, which I began to do.

"No…not like…this," Hikaru grunted. "I…can't see you."

"Just hold on," I ordered, slamming even further into him. His back arched, mouth open in a silent scream. I continued on, trying to ignore his protests.

The truth was, I didn't think I could take the look of pain/pleasure on his face knowing that I looked the same way under his own ministrations. I only wanted to have Hikaru in my mind, a task easier accomplished when facing his glistening back.

"Kaoru! _Please!_" my twin pleaded, exploding into orgasm shortly afterwards. I gave one last deep thrust, meeting my own climax in Hikaru's body. Collapsing to my side, I clutched him close to me, not parting our flesh.

"Kaoru?" he whispered, working to regulate his breathing. "Didn't you hear me?"

I rubbed a hand over the smooth contours of his chest, smiling as he shuddered at the touch. His fingers closed over mine to stifle the movement after a brief period.

"Kaoru, I'm serious. Did you hear me or not?"

"I did," I sighed, pulling slowly out of Hikaru so that he could roll over to face me. His breath caught at the movement.

"Then why didn't you let me turn over?"

"I don't know," I lied unblinkingly, grabbing his hands. "It was easier the other way."

"It's not about being easy," he murmured soberly, letting me caress his hands.

"Then what is it about?"

I couldn't help myself. Even if it might make him sad, I still needed to understand our unnatural communion of the flesh.

"To make each other _happy!_" he whispered passionately, eyes alight with inner fire. "To satisfy our desires and bring us closer, and…and…"

"And?"

"To express our love, Kaoru. Isn't that why you've…well, _been_ with me?"

"Of course," I frowned, "but you did this with _her,_ too."

"Oh, Kaoru. Are you _still_ on about that?!" My brother propped himself up on his elbow, taking back his hands. His hair was disheveled and distracting as he spoke. "Haruhi and everything I've done with her…they're part of the past. You don't have to worry about her anymore. It's only you, now." His eyes made me a silent vow of affirmation of the truth in his words, and I smiled.

"I never doubted that, or _you_, Hikaru."

"Then why are you so—"

"I don't know," I interrupted, not wanting to know how the thought I was acting. "I'm just really unclear about this kind of thing. And I love you—so much—but you're really of no help for things like this."

"We can always talk about anything—_anything—_Kaoru."

"It's too embarrassing," I disagreed, shaking my head sadly. "I wouldn't be able to focus. It would only be frustrating for the both of us."

"It's frustrating enough when you try to take all of this on yourself and don't even let me know that you're hurt or confused or—"

"Shh!" I cut him off, putting my hand over his mouth. "Let's not talk about this stuff now. Let's just sleep. We can talk enough tomorrow; it'll be Sunday and we can just stay in and relax."

Hikaru smiled, removing my fingers from his face.

"It's a date."

* * *

Hikaru was already awake as I stirred drowsily, sprawled across his still-bare chest. It was warm in our bed against the oppressive Outside air. It was a knock at the door that had roused me, but Hikaru just rubbed my arm, telling me silently to ignore it. Surely the source of the knocking could come back later, when it didn't feel so good to not answer the intruder.

It was only at the sound of receding footsteps that Hikaru craned his neck to kiss my forehead lightly. I brushed the backs of my fingers over his torso, bringing a deep throaty chuckle from my brother. Neither of us felt any further inclination to move and decided to remain as we were until the knocking returned.

I rolled off of Hikaru reluctantly and made sure our nudity was covered before inviting the intrusion into our warm haven.

"Young masters, you have a visitor. I didn't want to wake you, but the young lady seemed very troubled. Shall I send her up?" the maid asked in a pleasant, if curious, voice.

"Give us fifteen minutes and then send her up," Hikaru answered easily, stifling a yawn. The girl bowed slightly and backed out of the room.

"There goes our day," I groaned, stretching and sitting up, only to be pulled back down by Hikaru. He grinned at me evilly.

"Don't think this lets you off the hook. I'll beat what's bothering you out of you if I have to."

I kissed him quickly before pulling my body from his.

"We have to prepare for our visitor, Hikaru," I reprimanded him playfully. "We can't greet her like this."

"Wonder who it is."

Ten minutes later, we were lounging in our loose clothes and robes and wondering if the room smelled funny after the secret occurrences of the night. It didn't matter, as the knocking returned again, followed by the entry of the maid and—

"Suki?! Why are you here? Is something wrong?"

"Oh, _Kaoru!_" she cried, flinging herself into my body, head colliding with my shoulder.

As I stumbled slightly from the impact, Hikaru cast me a suspicious and troubled look. I responded with one of utter bewilderment. I awkwardly patted the miserable girl on the back while trying to keep my disgust and confusion down.

"Suki, I think you should sit down."

I walked us carefully over to the large armchair in the corner of the room, almost the only place that Hikaru and I hadn't shared secret pastimes.

_'I should rectify that grievous error soon…'_ I thought momentarily before being pulled back to the present by the wretched girl in my arms.

Hikaru stood to the side as I tried to calm Suki down to at least the point of intelligibility.

"He wants me to marry _h-him!_"

"Who? Suki, what are you talking about?"

"My dad wants me to m-marry my brother!" she wailed, burying her face in my robe's sleeve.

"Well, he's not actually your brother, right? I mean, you were adopted—"

"That doesn't m-matter!" Suki screeched. "We still g-grew up together and lived together, and I treated all of th-them as my family my whole l-life! I was just a stupid girl that they m-molded to marry stupid Soichiro."

"Suki, what can I do? I mean, why did you come here? I don't see how I can do anything to help you," I said softly, trying to make her see what she was doing. Hikaru shifted uncomfortably, both trying to support me and pretending to be somewhere else.

"W-well…I was kinda' hoping you could maybe let me stay here for a few days…"

"Suki…well, think about this. How do you think this would look to outsiders? Isn't there anywhere else you could try? A _girl's_ house, maybe? Did you ask any of your girl friends?"

She laughed humorlessly.

"Well, the few 'friends' that I have rejected me outright. Apparently, they were only close to my wealth. They don't want to go against my father…or rather, his bank account. Trust me, you two: I wouldn't come here unless I had no better options. I would stay with Haruhi, but she's…um…well, she's poor; no offense, Hikaru."

"We're not together anymore," he said softly, not caring if she heard or not.

"Well, in any case, I've nowhere else to go, and I…well…" She trailed off, looking me dead in the eye. "Kaoru, I know that we've had our differences, but…" she hung her head, clenching her fists around the fabric of my robe, "_please._"

There was nothing else for her to say, and I looked to Hikaru. He looked away, suddenly very interested in the wallpaper.

I sighed.

"Let me and Hikaru talk about it for a moment. Wait out in the hall until we fetch you."

She nodded, climbing slowly from my lap and slowly making her way out to the door.

"Well?" I asked my twin after I couldn't stand the silence anymore. "Can she stay?"

"You _want_ her to?!" He was incredulous.

"Why not? She needs to go somewhere."

"No! She just needs to grow up and face her future! Marrying her brother? There are worse things that could have happened, you know. What's so bad about marrying brothers?!"

"Hikaru, calm down. This isn't about us."

"No, I won't 'calm down!'" he scoffed, becoming more animated, pacing quickly around the room. "Kaoru, this is just you running away from your feelings!"

"…How did this turn into being about me?" I asked coolly.

"Kaoru, if _she's_ in this house, we can't do anything. We can't let her here us, and she could be anywhere at anytime! We _can't let her stay." _ He hissed the last part.

"Where else can she go then?" I inquired. "Will you let her stay if I agree to tell everyone about us? Then we wouldn't have to keep it a secret and we can let her stay here too." I stood up and walked to be next to my restless twin.

"You know why we can't do that, Kaoru; don't be ridiculous," Hikaru snapped, whirling and stopping abruptly.

"Hikaru, _please_. She's the one who helped me stay sane when you would hurt me," I whispered, looking away from his eyes so I wouldn't have to face the pain that always emerged when I brought that particular bit of our past up. I saw him flinch though, and that was enough for me to know that I had won this particular argument, though not at all by fair methods.

"…fine. She can stay. But this is _it, _understand? No fraternizing with that woman." His words were serious enough to jolt my attention back to his face. "She's the kind that'll steal your heart if you let her or not. I don't want you to be alone with her." His eyes were sad and cold. I wanted to take everything back, seeing and _feeling _the pain that he was projecting from those sad and bleary sockets.

Why couldn't I ever seem to get this right?

* * *

It was a solemn dinner.

Suki had her luggage delivered and was staying in the same wing as Hikaru and me.

By the time we had everything sorted out, it was dinnertime, and we had skipped lunch.

It was a very businesslike affair, and we ate efficiently, if quickly.

Not a word was spoken from both Hikaru and Suki who sat on either side of me. Feeling the sorrow and tension surrounding me, I too kept my tongue in check.

The meal was quickly resolved, and the three of us tramped upstairs to finish our homework for school the next day. Most of mine was already complete, however I still had a good half hour left of math, my least favorite subject.

Hikaru had barely started his own work and kept getting distracted by the oddments surrounding his workspace. I found him staring across the room at me more than once, but I did my best to ignore it.

I was soon finished with my math and I swept by Hikaru's desk, seeing how much he had done.

Hardly anything.

"Do you want me to do anything for you?" I asked softly. "You could copy mine."

"No, that's fine."

"I could do your geography," I offered.

"I said it's fine."

"Are you sure?"

"_Yes!_ I'm damned positive, Kaoru!" he shouted, glaring up at me.

I took a step backwards, face an outward mirror of the shock I must have been feeling. Hikaru sighed, returning to his near-empty notebook.

I trudged back to my desk, looking upon it with disgust before leaving the room, shutting the door softly behind me. In the hall, I put my back to the wall and sank to the ground slowly, sighing regretfully.

If only I hadn't pulled such a low card to use on Hikaru…

Another sigh and I stood up, shoving my hands in the pockets of the jeans I had put on only a little while ago, and I walked slowly to the lounge in the wing, arriving only to find Suki already there, notebooks covering the coffee table in front of her. She was sitting on a soft white leather loveseat. I silently sat in the matching sofa across the table from her. She jumped as she noticed my presence.

"Oh! Kaoru…sorry, I just wasn't expecting…never mind," she stammered, gesturing at the clutter around her.

"Don't mind it. Need any help?"

"No, I'm almost done. Just a few more problems." She made a face. "Math."

"I know," I agreed with a laugh. "I just finished mine."

I had forgotten how much I had enjoyed her company.

And how much we had in common.

And what Hikaru had told me earlier that day.

"…Kaoru?"

"Yes Suki?"

"Will you spend the night with me?"

"…What do you mean?"

"Not like…sex or anything. I mean, I just…want to be with you tonight. Can I…can you sleep with me tonight?"

"I don't know," I frowned. "I don't think Hikaru would like that too much."

"Why not? I mean, what could he _possibly _ have to say about it?"

"Well, he gets…possessive sometimes."

"Please? I don't want to be alone."

I caved. I always did. I couldn't help but want to save her…help her…

Love her?

No.

Never that.

But it was similar.

She was soon finished with her math. She packed away her notebooks and held out her hand to me.

I took it, following her resignedly to her temporary room.

She made me turn around as she undressed and threw on a loose and in no way sexy nightgown.

I pulled off my jeans and shirt and stood before her in my boxers and undershirt.

She regarded me carefully before wrapping her arms around my middle. I returned her embrace for her benefit alone, pulling the covers back on the bed.

As we climbed in together, I recalled Hikaru's words.

…his love.

…his hurt.

…his anger.

I decided that if he was already mad, I could still do all I could to help Suki, who actually _did_ need me.

Hikaru would be fine for one night.

And Suki's tiny body was full of warmth. Her body filled all of the crevices of mine, and the body heat we shared was (while different completely from Hikaru's) pleasant. Her face in my chest and my arms around her made an impact on my dreams, I was sure, as I could never have even considered such dreams when I was with Hikaru.

I didn't remember any of it in the morning.

* * *


	15. The Fear

**Once again, I apologize for the gap between the two previous chapters. Had it been up to me, I would have spent every second of my life giving you guys my story, but alas, I was given a new computer for Christmas and the internet took forever to get set up. However, I do believe now that I should be able to finish this story in a timely and suitable fashion.**

**On another note, I find it hilarious that everyone has read so well into Hikaru's character and funnier that no one thought that he would be accepting and ****tame**** about the Suki ordeal. He won't of course, but I still found it funny.**

**I have begun the story **_**In This Legacy**_** and hope to have it out soon; for those who don't know what that is, look at my profile.**

**I want to thank all of my readers [I just got over 10,000 hits!. I love all of you who have stuck with me this long and ask that you stick with me a bit more for the long haul. To my readers, reviewers, friends, and the skeptics,**

**Love,**

**Charlie, the Killer Queen and your "humble" author.**

* * *

I woke in an unfamiliar bed with memories that couldn't have been from the night before. Only Suki's sleeping face could convince me of my own folly.

_'Hikaru!'_ I mentally exclaimed, cursing my stupidity. I rolled out of bed and pulled my discarded garments onto my body. It was only two in the morning when I glanced at the clock on my way out the door.

I got back to Hikaru's and my room not five minutes later, flinging my clothes off again and crawling up against my brother.

"Where were you?" he asked, tone bordering indignant.

I hadn't expected him to be asleep, merely hoped.

"Helping Suki settle in." It wasn't exactly a lie.

"Did you fuck her?" Now his voice had slipped back to stormy.

"No! Hikaru, you'd know if I had and you _should_ know that I wouldn't!" I tried to sound indignant myself, but I couldn't shake off the fear; what if he went back to how he was before? "I love _you_."

"And I love you too, Kaoru, but I can't trust that _woman!_"

Thank God; He wasn't going to go back to that.

He was only upset.

"She doesn't mean anything. She's just trying to run away from everything."

"Stay away from that woman," he growled, snatching my hands and pulling me into his body. "She'll only take advantage of your kindness."

The warmth of our bodies was different from what Suki's small frame could offer. It was much more pleasant this way, with Hikaru's hand in mine and his other running through my hair methodically, drawing me into a trance. I found the border of his neck and shirt with my nose and killed the hollow between his collarbones, relishing the sound—half moan, half growl—that the action pulled from his throat.

"Stop it, Kaoru. I couldn't sleep without you here, and now I'm tired. Plus…" he broke his word for a yawn, "Plus, we can't do anything with that woman here."

My free hand rubbed his chest and I smiled pleasantly into his skin.

"Fine, fine. But the second she's gone…"

"Oh, the _instant._"

The hand in my hair continued stroking until long after he fell asleep.

I shifted slightly to add more warmth to his unmoving form. After pulling the blankets more securely atop us, I too found myself slipping into a more pleasant realm of dreams.

* * *

School the next morning was obscene. No matter where I went, the rumors preceded me. There were whispers and snickers and worse. I did my best to ignore it, for Hikaru's sake if nothing else.

Still…

Even Haruhi was curious.

At best, Haruhi had been moping. She had lost; I had won; both of us recognized this. By then, she must have realized everything that had occurred between me and Hikaru and was doing her best to recover.

Her effort was commendable. I noted her progress as she approached Hikaru with questions masking the wounds just behind her eyes. Hikaru pointed her to me, and I pretended I hadn't been watching them. She came over and I gave her my full attention.

"What's happening with Suki? Is she really living with you now, or…" she trailed off suggestively as I gathered the proper words.

"She's staying at our main house because of some minor family issues. It's no big deal. It should all work itself out."

"Why doesn't she stay with someone else?" the girl continued relentlessly.

"Ask her," I replied with a shrug. "She says no one else would have her, which might be true. Or not. I can't tell with her."

"She could have come to me…"

"You're a "man" too, Haruhi," I pointed out, to which she shrugged.

"At least they think I'm gay. They probably think that you and Hikaru spend all day all over her." Accusation colored her words.

"You _know_ that nothing's happened!" I hissed, fingers twitching at my sides.

She just smirked and leaned in close to whisper, "Yet."

"What're you—"

"Think about it: could you really stop her even if you wanted to?"

She had an odd look on her face, though, as she bobbed away, leaving me to gather the implications that she had left in her wake.

And it made me frown.

I could still refuse the girl, no matter what stood in our past.

I didn't love her the way I loved Hikaru.

Everything would work itself out.

* * *

Sitting in the Host Club, everything was _far _from working itself out.

Suki was conversing animatedly with me, but Hikaru could scarcely throw a glance my way, choosing instead to keep another set of girls occupied.

I was getting tired of having to share my twin.

He should only belong to me.

And I knew Hikaru felt the same about me.

At the first break in conversation I could get, I grabbed his elbow to force his attention to me.

"Hikaru?" I asked timidly, giving him an opening I begged silently for him to act on.

He took the bait.

"Yes, Kaoru, my heart?" he responded silkily.

"Are these girls prettier than me? Is that why you'd rather look at them?" I sighed, halfway in feigned sorrow and half anguished self-disgust.

"Oh, Kaoru. I just needed to get new faces in my mind because you're all I ever think about." His fingers found my cheek, other hand wrapping around my lower back, preparing me to leap into his arms, which I did in earnest, ignoring the avid audience surrounding us. Even Kyouya stopped pacing for an eyeful.

I smiled, concealing my face in my brother's shoulder. I would give everything to keep Hikaru this close always.

But alas…

"Oh, Hikaru, you're so sweet!" one of the girls giggled.

"And Kaoru's so precious!"

"This is a lot better than Hikaru and Haruhi!"

_There!_

He stiffened slightly, though I was positive his face was still the same beaming smile he always used to greet praise from the Outside.

My own smile was gone. I clenched one fist around his shirt fabric to let him know that we would have to talk about this later, alone.

I kissed his shoulder before pulling away if only to reassure him that I wasn't mad.

By the end of club activities, Suki was still bobbing around us expectantly and I belatedly realized that she would have to ride home in our car with us.

"Ah…ready to leave?" I asked quietly. Both nodded and we headed out, taking a leisurely pace and arriving at the car in due time.

The ride home was particularly painful.

No one talked.

We barely moved.

I clasped my hands together, content to stare out of the window the entire way. Suki sidled up beside me, pulling my arm into her hands and laying her head on my shoulder.

I tensed, throwing a panicked glance at Hikaru sitting across from me, who shrugged—eyes fiery and cold at the same time—and returned his attention to the road flying by outside.

Painful.

Like Haruhi said, I couldn't shove the girl off of me.

I just sat in miserable pain until we got home and I had an excuse to shake her off as I stretched, watching Hikaru's expression.

It didn't change.

"We should go change," I told Suki, fleeing upstairs and taking Hikaru with me by the elbow.

By the time we got behind the closed door, Hikaru was already trying to escape from me.

"Hikaru?" I hazarded, trying to get his precious attention.

"And you keep going on about _Haruhi,_" he muttered darkly, shrugging off his jacket.

"Knock it off; you know that I didn't start that."

"You let her think whatever she wants, you dumbass! You went with her last night and now she won't leave you alone." His eyes were dark and angry. "You and her should just stay the hell away from me for a while."

"What are you _talking_ about?!" I demanded, both confused and exasperated. "All I want is to be with you, but you just seem to want to push me away!"

He laughed loudly and rudely.

"What about you that day on the couch? What do you call that? You wouldn't even tell me _anything!_" His face grew even stormier. "Sometimes I don't think you really care about anyone but yourself."

"Hikaru…" I felt like I was breaking. Pressure built up behind my eyes and a sensation was building in my nose like I had been winded. My throat felt too big for my neck, and my lips went numb. I could hardly talk. I turned away from him to ask, "Is…Is that what you think?"

"What else am I supposed to think?!" my twin inquired in agony. "You hardly start anything, you always just want my attention, if I'm not looking at you, you automatically get jealous and jump to outrageous conclusions and then you don't even _say_ anything about it, just leave me to play catch-up! And then when I catch on, you go back to being passive about everything we do!" He wasn't even bothering to keep his voice down. Anyone passing by could hear everything. I almost felt like warning him, but he was being so terrifying.

Any second now, he could just snap.

He could go back to how he was before…

…the stormy and dangerous Hikaru.

Instead, I let the silence drag on.

"Well?! What do you have to say?!"

"I…I'm sorry…Hikaru."

"…Are you crying?"

I tried to say 'no' as my breath hitched to betray my efforts.

Surprisingly, his hand gripped my shoulder warmly. I pointed my face carefully away from him, trying not to cry.

It was hard.

"Stop it," he commanded, emphasizing with a squeeze. "Stop doing things like this. It would only make me hate you."

"Hikaru…" I slipped my hand over his, holding it weakly to my body. "Don't, Hikaru. Don't hate me."

"It's not my _choice_, Kaoru. You have to make me care about you. Stop caring about that woman. Focus only on me now."

"What about Haruhi?" I asked quietly. His hand twitched beneath mine. "You still care about her. You should just leave her alone; she doesn't want any more to do with you."

"Kaoru, I can't just leave her," he whispered, voice dripping with regret.

"You hypocrite!" I launched, whirling on him. The tears slipped out of my eyes, anger taking control of my actions now. "How _dare_ you?! Everything's always different for _you_, isn't it? Did you think I didn't notice you watching her? Did you think that your relationship with her before has _any_ excuse for you to be so selfish as to still want us both?! Are you _so_insatiable that I'm not enough?"

"You don't have any idea what you're talking about! I don't _love_ her, Kaoru, I _hurt _her! I took everything away from her and I can't even tell her anything now! I can't do anything to explain myself in a way that she'll understand and accept! She's not mine anymore; I can live with that. I can't _stand_ that I treated her the way I did and she just thinks…just thinks that I'm a monster…"

"You _are_ a monster, Hikaru. At the very least, you were. I don't know what kind of reform you've made for yourself, but that's the only way she'll ever see you. You have to live with that. That's your punishment for the way you acted."

He was still angry, but he was sad, too.

"Don't let me hurt you again, Kaoru."

"Don't try to."

I stalked over to my wardrobe and pulled off my uniform, slipping into a t-shirt and jeans. Hikaru hadn't moved as I walked out of the room and made my way down to the kitchen to get a quick bite before starting on my homework.

* * *

I was trembling too much to write.

What had I done?

I had just yelled at Hikaru.

He was still so unstable…

Dangerous, even.

I couldn't bring myself to put anything in my mouth, and my homework wouldn't work itself out, so I just sat at the table, staring at my blank notebook, a plate of blurred…_something_ just next to my fingertips.

I focused everything on breathing, scared that if I stopped concentrating for even a second, I'd forget how and suffocate on raw fear.

Why couldn't she just stay away?

"Kaoru? You're shaking; what's the matter?"

She slithered to my side, a hand on my shoulder, the other in my hair.

"Nothing, Suki. I just need…"

'…Hikaru. I need my missing half.'

"I can get you anything you want," she stated obediently, leaning over to stick her chest in my face…or rather, to look me in the eye. Or perhaps both.

She, like myself, was desperate for company.

"Just give me some space for now. If I need anything—(God forbid)—I'll ask you for it."

Blessedly, she left me alone.

* * *

It was late. I should have known better than to go back to my room so late. I had spent the afternoon pacing restlessly around one of the half-empty wings of the house, trying to kill some of my anxiety. It kicked into overdrive as I entered our room at near-eleven at night.

"Come here," Hikaru called as I slid through the door.

I obeyed.

"Kaoru, I need for you to listen to me. You can't keep doing all of these things. I love you, okay? I _need_ you with me."

It was dark, but I could see the earnestness in his eyes.

And his naked body, sprawled gracefully across our bed. I couldn't help but look over his body—his beautiful, perfect body—and I could feel my groin twitching uncomfortably.

"Hikaru, we can't; she'll hear…"

"We'll just have to be extra quiet then. Lock the door."

I obeyed numbly.

"Take off your shirt and come here."

I was trembling uncontrollably again. I couldn't get my shirt over my head properly for several agonizing minutes.

But soon enough, I was standing before my godlike brother, already breathing too heavily.

He was growing hard just watching my reaction to him.

"Please…I w-_want_ you," I whimpered. I felt feverish and ill.

"Soon," he assured me, reaching out and deftly unbuckling my pants and dropping them along with my boxers to the floor. "Oh, Kaoru…you're _this_ big already?"

"Please," I repeated, quivering more in apprehension.

"Don't forget to be quiet," he warned.

And he took me into his mouth.

I felt my jaw drop and stood silently shouting and gasping at the feel of Hikaru's tongue and cheeks and lips…

My legs nearly gave out from the sheer _pleasure_.

"H-Hika…_Hikaru!_"

He squeezed my member to silence me. The contraction and growing heat made me lose it and I reached my orgasm as Hikaru suddenly released me.

I collapsed to the floor.

"Oh, Kaoru. That wasn't that long at all. I'll get bored if you always release too early."

This wasn't my Hikaru.

He was very upset still.

He was almost stormy, and I couldn't take it.

I sat on my ankles, staring at the mess I'd made, and trembled violently with Hikaru's cold glare ripping through my hair.

"Get up here. It's my turn now."

I meekly obeyed, fumbling clumsily to sit in front of Hikaru. When I managed to glance up at him, I watched as his icy eyes melted into mine and he reached for me, kissing me passionately. There was no restraint or sense to this kiss. Hikaru was ready to show me everything he'd ever felt towards me.

I just had to pray that I was strong enough to answer it.

He knocked me to my back and placed his hands on my neck as he straddled my waist. My fingers reached out on their own to touch his chest, shaking worse than ever. They worked their way down, rubbing the sides of his body tenderly.

"Kaoru," he grunted, pulling away to look me in the eye. My hands fell to the bedspread. "Don't be gentle with me. I can't feel what you do if you don't _show_ it!"

"I…can't," I replied hazily. "I won't st-stop shaking."

He kissed me forcefully again and leaned back to brush his lower back against my erection, making me moan and shiver even more.

"Quiet!" Hikaru hissed against my teeth. I lowered my mouth to deny him access as I tried to catch my breath.

Hikaru seemed to only keep going because of my won reaction, but there was little I could do to help him along. My strength was gone and I was still shaking, though it was finally beginning to pass.

We were only panting together now, but I was sure that if I didn't do anything soon, Hikaru would give up and leave, to do it for himself.

I didn't want him to do anything like that.

Ever.

So I willed myself into action.

My hands moved to Hikaru's thighs, and I began to massage them rigorously, each stroke stronger than the last. Soon I had Hikaru panting away again, his mouth opening and closing without words to fill it. That mouth—that talented, tricky mouth—latched onto my neck and began to suck on it, kiss it, and move to my shoulder. My movements became jerky and less effective, and stifled half-sounds choked their way out of my throat.

"Kao…ru."

"Hik-karu."

I grabbed him in my palms, making him shudder against me. His mouth left my skin as his back arched until I thought he would snap in half.

"You're…beautif-f-ful," he stammered endearingly.

"You're p-perfect," I replied, gaining energy and strength.

I managed to flip us over, my hands still grasping him and his eyes on fire.

"You can…have th-this round." His breathing was erratic and pained.

"N-no. I w-want you…in me." It was said in a normal speaking voice, but Hikaru looked at me as if I'd shouted.

"But…But…"

"_Please!_" I begged, squeezing him sharply. "I need you."

"Okay…Okay Kaoru."

I released his throbbing arousal and he took a steadying breath before sliding a hand sensuously down my stomach muscles and further.

I pressed my forehead against his as an intruding finger found and penetrated me. I stifled a gasp, knowing it would only make Hikaru stop and insist that I take him instead.

Because the pain that hurt Hikaru the most…

…was my pain.

"Ah!" I couldn't contain the noise as the second finger joined the first.

Why was it always such a new experience? We'd done this countless times before, and yet…

I bit my lip as the fingers swiveled and scissored.

"Hika…Hikaru…"

His unoccupied hand pulled me down to kiss him again, trying to distract me from the pain.

"Go!" I murmured when he pulled away to breathe.

He flipped us over again, pulling my knees over his shoulders and then gently pushed into me.

I did my best not to make noise; I bit my lip, I bit my knuckle, I stabbed Hikaru with my fingernails as I clenched my hand around his forearm, but a small cry still escaped me.

"I know! You're okay! Only a bit…more…"

Hikaru hissed as he fully entered me.

"Tight!" he grimaced, shifting around inside.

I caught my breath and unclenched my fist, frowning at the red crescents that would appear in the morning on Hikaru's now-marred body.

My feet jerked uselessly behind Hikaru's head as he began to move. His pattern was irregular. Our sweat-soaked bodies fit together perfectly, but still slipped over each other as he gained momentum.

And then…

"_Oh!_"

A certain movement had caused my twin to hit _that_ spot.

"Are you okay? K-Kaoru?"

"Do…that…again…"

He hesitated, but pressed slowly into the sweet spot, causing me to shudder in ecstasy.

"_Hikaru…_"

"K-Kaoru…"

I realized that I had come all over Hikaru's sweaty body, but he still had yet to…

"Keep going," I whispered, giving him permission. It wasn't long before he hit his own release deep inside of me.

My abused body twinged as Hikaru pulled out and away from me. I missed his warmth instantly, but I was still leaking Hikaru's essence and overcome by the tranquility I always felt after sex.

"Hikaru?"

"One second," came the reply, and I automatically knew that he was cleaning the floor from where I had come earlier.

And he was back soon enough, cradling me to his chest. I licked the sweat from his neck, making him groan tiredly.

"Stop, Kaoru. You'll make me want you again."

"I always want you," I replied honestly.

"Kaoru, I can't go again…knock it off."

"Fine; I'll behave."

"Really. I don't know why you were so scared before."

"Huh?" I looked up at his kind and caring face. "What do you mean?"

"Why else would you shake so much?"

I absently stroked his shoulder and neck.

Why indeed…


	16. The Ride

"Hikaru?" What happened to your arm?"

I froze as Haruhi asked the question.

"Nothing. Kaoru and I were watching an old horror flick and he got scared and grabbed for me."

"Hikaru!" I snapped playfully. "Why not tell _everyone_ all about it?!"

He winked at me conspiratorially.

Mori-senpai held up the arm, regarding it critically before exchanging a glance with Kyouya.

"Be more careful you two. If you hurt profits, I'll make you pay for it personally."

He glared at me meaningfully, making me shrink a bit.

Hunny-senpai grabbed the bottom of my shirt, un-tucking it.

"I get scared too. It's okay!" he said with a smile before running back to latch onto Mori-senpai's leg.

"Customers are coming," Kyouya-senpai sniffed and hurried to greet them. I took Hikaru by the hand and followed, the others trailing happily behind.

Everything was normal again…

…except one secret.

One that would _stay_ secret.

"Welcome!"

Suki immediately bobbed over to stand beside us, leading a trail of ducklings/patronesses.

"What can we do to serve you?" the pair of us asked as we dipped into even bows. No new faces, no exceptionally shocked girls.

Good.

No one would notice if I was just a bit closer to Hikaru.

I squeezed our still-joined fingers and we straightened to delighted faces.

And Kyouya-senpai.

"I hope you don't mind hosting with me today, Kaoru. Hikaru, you can join Tamaki."

Both boys looked at me, Kyouya in impatience and Hikaru, reluctance.

"No problem, right Kaoru?" I said cheerfully turning to him. I tried to convey how much I wanted to avoid our leering senpai.

"But…Hikaru," he murmured, falling directly in line. "I _hate_ being apart from you…"

"I know, but we should listen to Kyouya-senpai." I kissed the back of his hand.

"I'm not convinced," Suki butted in. "Hikaru is Kaoru."

How…

How could she…

Our faces were frozen, but our "mother's" icy smirk cracked our composure.

"_Hikaru,_" he said delicately, looking directly at the real Hikaru. "Go join Tamaki and his guests."

With a final glare, my brother stomped off, ignoring the dark Ootori.

"That hurts, Kaoru; do you dislike me?" Kyouya-senpai asked with that sinister smile.

"What are you thinking?" I muttered, keeping my face blank.

He sniffed and adjusted his glasses.

"Nothing. We just haven't seen _eye-to-eye_ in a while."

The implications were there.

Kyouy _did_ know most of it…

Could he have guessed the rest?

'_Probably_,' I amended, following the group to the pair of couches waiting for us.

"Kaoru? Did you want to see Tamaki?" Suki asked in her usual timid manner.

I tried to smile at her, but I felt the pressure already from the little contact I'd already had with Kyouya-senpai after so long without him in my head.

Hunny-senpai and Mori-senpai were both fairly occupied and Tamaki was already with Hikaru. Haruhi had an inordinate amount of guests, as usual…

There was no escape…

I sat down beside the supplier of my torment, pondering what he could possibly want with only me.

"You and Hikaru are a lot closer again, right?" one of the girls asked me. I smiled and nodded.

"We've been through a lot recently, but it's all okay again."

"And he's not with Haruhi anymore?"

Kyouya even glanced up from his clipboard.

"They're done. I'm sure they're both doing their best to recover and smile a hundred percent again," I assured them.

"They won't hook up again, will they?" another pressed. "You were so sad…"

There were four of them, Suki and three others, on the couch opposite us.

Two had medium-black hair, but the girl between them had an almost fiery-orange head.

"You're not Japanese, are you?" I questioned her, changing the subject gracelessly.

"Half," she explained, color entering her face. "My dad was from America."

I smiled as the conversation carried to the Western culture, ignoring the way Suki and Kyouya looked at me.

I just didn't want to think about Hikaru and Haruhi together, no matter what.

It didn't make me 'sad'.

It ripped me up inside.

And Kyouya knew that as much as I did.

"Kaoru…Have you and Hikaru been…'active' with Suki nearby?" Kyouya asked me as the girls excused themselves.

"No," I lied automatically. "Why? Is something wrong?"

"She suspects something," he mumbled into his clipboard. "Her eyes never left you."

I felt like I was being insulted in some way that only Kyouya could understand, but shrugged it off.

Hikaru was coming over as Suki stole Haruhi's attention out of the corner of my eye.

His arm slipped across my shoulder blades as he pulled us together.

"Well, Mom? Was he behaving?" he teased, smiling too widely.

"Admirably so. You two may leave."

Hikaru took me by the hand out of the room. I managed to get Suki's attention, and she nodded to signify that she would be along in a bit.

"Tamaki asked my permission to ask Haruhi out," my brother blurted the instant we were in the car.

"What?"

"He thinks I want her back or something…as if she'd have me now…"

The last part wasn't meant for me, and it stung. My face felt stretched.

"Do you?" It was a whisper.

"Huh?"

"Hikaru, do you still love Haruhi?"

"I…"

Like a thorn…

"Answer me!" I shouted. "Do you love her or not?!"

"Kaoru, of course I do," he sighed, staring intently at me. I couldn't meet his gaze. "I love you so much more, though."

"So, you _picked_ me?" I blubbered, feeling my cheeks go numb except for one hot streak. "You decided that you loved me _more_?! Hikaru, that's…that's not…"

The door opened, and we both froze. Suki entered the car, sitting across from me and Hikaru, obviously flustered by our expressions.

Certainly she hadn't heard…

"Kaoru? Are you crying?" she asked timidly.

Hikaru whipped around to look at me again.

"No, it's just the weather. Maybe I'm getting a little sick?"

"Do you want to stay home tomorrow?" the girl persisted eagerly.

"I'll think about it," I answered, staring out the window.

Another silent drive…

* * *

"What about Suki?" Hikaru hissed once we were back in our room, "changing". 

"What about her?"

"Don't you love her?"

"No."

"B-but…you had sex with her…"

"No, I didn't, Hikaru," I frowned, crossing my arms. "There's nothing between us."

"Then send her home!"

"She doesn't want to go."

"Make her!"

"I can't!" I snapped, flopping down into a chair. "She's ridiculous!"

"Then if you don't care about her, why—"

"I pity her, Hikaru," I glowered. "She doesn't have anyone."

"But you have me! And I need you!"

I laughed bitterly. "No, you don't. Why not get Haruhi again? She's at least _allowed_ to love you."

"Kaoru, I picked you because of the things you can give me that she can't!"

"Name one," my voice demanded. I didn't want to be so cruel; I wanted to tell him to forget everything and go back to normal.

But some part of me wouldn't let it slide.

And Hikaru couldn't think of a single thing to say. He just stood there, gaping at me.

"You just wanted someone you could blindfold and play with. I'm not that person anymore," I said in a colder tone than I'd heard away from Kyouya-senpai. "I'm going out. Call me if you think of anything."

I changed quickly into street clothes and had my hand on the knob, ready to leave, when…

"Where are you going?" It was almost a sob.

"Figure it out."

_Slam!_

* * *

Up… 

Over…

Down…

Under…

It was a Ferris wheel, of course.

Even without Hikaru, I could still have fun here.

Right?

People got on and off around me, but I didn't see their faces.

My hand stayed on my phone, an d I kept telling myself not to cry.

I want Hikaru to call.

I wanted _Hikaru._

A man and his son held hands and laughed, gently rocking their basket back and forth.

My face crumpled bit by bit every second that the laughter was all I could hear.

No crying. Boys aren't supposed to, you know.

All of the anger I had melted away.

A cool, dark pebble was all that was left of my heart: me without Hikaru. He filled me with warmth. Without him…

I would get jealous of stupid Outsiders, rocking merrily in their basket.

The wheel slowed, bearing me openly to the sunset. I could see the ocean and further, deep into the red belly of the sky.

I touched down to see two people standing at the loading platform: the electrician and a near-reflection of myself.

"Thanks," Hikaru told the man, climbing in next to me.

Neither of us spoke until the mechanism was rotating at full speed.

"How'd you find me?"

"Where else would you be?"

"You called Kyouya, didn't you?"

He shook his head.

"I called Tamaki."

"…What did you say?"

"I told him that I didn't want Haruhi back."

Silence…

"Then I came here. It's your favorite one, isn't it?"

We reached the top, staring the sunset down.

I took his hand into mine.

He wasn't demanding explanations or apologies.

He wasn't even upset.

I felt awful.

"Hikaru…I—"

"Shh…" he cut me off, lacing our fingers. "I know."

I couldn't help it.

I broke down, miserable because of my wretchedness.

Miserable because Hikaru could understand me.

Miserable because I didn't deserve anyone remotely like him.

He just rubbed my back as I cried, knowing that his embrace would be too warm for me.

* * *

**Short, I know. The story's almost over, peeps. I really want to thank everyone for sticking with me even though I'm not the most reliable author out there. )**

**Suki Haters: I know. She's annoying and stupid. I sympathize, mostly because she's the kind of person I hate the most. She'll hang on to anything that's even remotely kind to her because she's terrified of being alone or in a situation too far out of her control. I hope she gets run over by a train, but that's not in my cards. Alas...**

**And no, Suki and Kaoru didn't do the nasty. Suki just guilted him into staying with her until she fell asleep, mostly because she's a manipulative wench. Seriously, even if you don't hate her, you'll be seriously put off by her later behavior, mostly because she's a manipulative wench. ;) I'm thinking maybe four more chapters and the epilogue.**

**LOVE, M'DEARS!!!!**

* * *


	17. The Betrayal

We were curled together under the sheets.

Suki was very suspicious, but left us alone to go to bed.

My head was on his chest, our hands joined firmly.

"I'm sorry."

"For the hundredth time, drop it," he groaned.

"I feel awful, Hikaru! Please let me make it up to you!"

"You can pay me back by letting it go!"

"I can't do that, Hikaru."

"I don't want anything else!"

"Can we at least talk everything out?"

"No, Kaoru. I don't want you to be upset just because of things neither of us can change."

"Try to understand, Hikaru," I begged softly. He blew a strand of my hair away from his face.

"Kaoru, I know this hurts you, but it really hasn't been too long since I left Haruhi. She's the only person I've ever loved besides you; it'll just take time." I bit my lip "And even if you haven't done anything with Suki, I know you have _some_ feeling for her somewhere."

"We…We have done _some_ things…" I admitted hesitantly. He sighed in frustration.

"Kaoru, just what have you ever told me that's completely true?"

I couldn't be offended, because he was right.

I was a hypocrite too…

"I love you. That will always be true," I replied.

"And I love you, but we need to start being honest."

"…We didn't get much past kissing."

"Kaoru, I wasn't talking about _that_!"

"I know."

"We're so fucked-up, aren't we?" He sounded so bitter, but I could only laugh and agree.

"It can wait until morning," I dismissed, looking up to kiss his chin. After a bit of struggle, he managed to shift enough for our lips to meet.

"Good night."

* * *

The Sunday sky was bright when Hikaru gently shook me awake. 

"Time to talk," he warned as I rubbed his neck.

And so we did.

There was much pacing, much hand-kneading, and so many agonized looks from the both of us.

We discussed many important things.

I told him about the pain I went through every time he didn't come home.

He told me about how awkward it was to be together with me and Haruhi at the same. He told me that he always felt like he was cheating, no matter what he did.

I told him how Suki wanted to use me.

We said so much more than words, and a lot of it was hard to digest, but Hikaru was speaking from the heart, so I could only return the favor. We weren't even close to finished when there was a knock at the door.

"It's me," Suki called. "Can I come in?"

Exchanging a glance, Hikaru and I donned our house robes and opened the door.

She was fully dressed, hair curled and bouncing around her head.

"I think you two should get dressed," she said, an order more than a suggestion. Hikaru stared at her with defiant incredulity. I, however, began to panic.

"Do we have guests?" I asked.

"You could say that," Suki frowned, crossing her arms.

"Did you invite them? This is _our_ estate, you know," my brother said imperiously, straightening up and puffing out his chest.

"Hikaru, we'd better just do it," I breathed, bottling up my fear and trying to act indifferent. "If they're already here, we might as well…" I shut the door with a (fake) reassuring smile to the girl outside.

He knew something was wrong, just from the look on my face.

"Kaoru…do you know anything?"

"No; hurry up," I snapped, throwing clean clothes at him. "This is probably _really_ bad."

"Kaoru, what are you saying?" he asked carefully, gauging my expression.

"She's all dressed up for something. I don't feel good about this…"

I couldn't button up my shirt. I held my hand out, frowning as it shook harder when I tried to control it. Hikaru reached out and did up my shirt with a deep frown on his face.

"Someone just got here," he muttered, pointing towards the window. I pulled my pants up, struggling over to see who it was. The car obviously belonged to—

"Ootori? Kyouya?!" Why's he here?!" Hikaru snarled.

We watched him enter the house and I turned to Hikaru, who shrugged and buttoned my pants for me as well.

"Kaoru, let's go get some answers."

* * *

Everything was going to hell. 

We were all sitting in the private parlor, sipping tea.

Me…

Hikaru…

Suki…

Kyouya…

…and my parents, home early from their business trip.

"Now, Suki must have called all of us here for something important," my mother said pointedly, looking to the girl for confirmation.

She cleared her throat and stood up.

"Yes, Hitachiin-san. I think this is a matter of extreme importance." Her eyes were clear on the surface, and I'm certain that I was the only one who could see the scheming behind the cool façade.

"I would like to make a request to marry Kaoru…when we get a bit older, of course."

Hikaru choked on his tea. I felt myself blanch. Kyouya looked at both of our reactions with his open, too-bright eyes. Mother's lips thinned. Father's eyes widened.

Then everyone turned to me.

"Kaoru? How do you feel about this?"

Everyone's eyes and attention suddenly set my pulse off, and my breathing jumped out of control to try to match it, and the effect was instantaneous.

I fell back in my chair, clutching at my collar and struggling to breathe.

"Shit!" I heard Hikaru's shout as if I was underwater. "Kyouya-senpai! Do you have anything?"

I fought to make deep breaths, doing my best to fight. Suki's panicked face seemed skewed as my body screamed for air. Someone shoved my face into a paper bag and I utilized it gratefully, taking several agonizing moments to calm down.

"Obviously, you didn't consult Kaoru before coming to us," Father commented quietly. Mother seemed a bit distressed, but nodded, looking over the room.

I kept the bag firmly over my chin, looking over to Kyouya, begging him to step in.

"I think you're being a bit hasty," he said to Suki. "Why are you so eager to get married?"

My fingers crinkled the bag.

"Is this about your brother?" I asked softly, staring at the ground. "Are your parents pushing you?"

"They aren't my family," Suki spat, face dropping from defiant to irritated. "But…he's my _brother_! I can't see him as anything else, and…it's _disgusting_ to want to be like that with him!"

I could feel Hikaru and Kyouya absorb her words. I wanted to shout something—anything!—to justify my own situation, but all I could feel, along with a numb sensation of dread, was…

_'…she knows.'_

She had to know something from the way she was measuring me up.

I wanted to ask her so much, but all I could feel was fear.

She had power over us, and we both knew it.

"Mother, let me and Suki talk this out. We'll come to a conclusion and get back to you later today," I heard myself say.

"We're glad you're home early," Hikaru added, pulling me up. I glanced at Suki, who bobbed over to stand at my other side, and we left, followed by Kyouya, into the empty second-floor sitting room.

"What do you want?" I demanded when we were all inside.

"You," she replied coolly, eyes flicking over my body. "And I am _well_ prepared to fight for him," she added with a glare towards Hikaru.

"What do you know?" I continued with a frown.

"I know that you're in love with Hikaru, and that you've done things together," Suki stated blandly, gazing warily at the bed. "If you refuse me or kick me out, I'll tell your parents all about it. And I know Kyouya-senpai and Haruhi are involved in this, and I won't keep from ratting them out."

"Why?" Kyouya demanded with his icy countenance flaring beneath the surface. "What purpose could this possibly serve you?"

"I don't…I don't have anything else; I will _not_ let this escape me."

"Suki, _what_ is going on?!" I inquired forcefully.

"Akira…he told me that…he's _interested_ in me, Kaoru!" She looked miserable all of a sudden, but I didn't move, still grasping the paper bag in my tight fist. "He…_wants_ me!"

"And? Are you rebelling by coming here?" Kyouya frowned.

"I knew Kaoru wouldn't turn me away. I didn't expect things to turn out like this…exactly. I mean, I never expected him to be _gay_! But, it's the best choice I could make for my future. At least consider it, Kaoru! I won't be demanding, and you could still _see_ Hikaru! No one outside this room will ever hear about your…partnership. You can just pretend it never happened!"

"Suki…this is messed up. Do you even know what you're talking about?!" Hikaru shouted, gesturing wildly. "You're so screwed up, and you want everyone else to be miserable!"

"You're wrong," she smirked, sadness dripping away. "It'll be a 'happily-ever-after' no matter what. If you make it easy, I think I could look away anytime you two want to spend 'more time' together."

It wasn't a bad proposal. Hikaru and I could still exist together this way…in secret. No one would even suspect anything.

But I could tell from the way Hikaru was glaring just how much he disagreed.

"Kaoru?" Kyouya prompted me coldly. "Can you agree to these terms?"

"We need time to think about it," I muttered, "and I want to speak with Suki alone for a moment."

Hikaru grasped my hand, forcing my attention to his tortured, angry face, before trailing after Kyouya out of the room.

I turned to Suki.

"How did you find out about us?"

She scoffed. "The signs were everywhere once I looked. Kyouya-senpai separation you and your attempt at switching on him made me curious, though."

"How did you tell us apart, then?"

"Are you interrogating me?"

"Maybe; just answer the question." She looked away, crossing the room to gaze out the window at the bright, clear sky.

"The look in your eyes," she whispered almost inaudibly. "Hikaru's always tend to take a bit longer to focus on specific things, almost like he's trying to watch everything at once."

I didn't know what to think about her observation. It was undoubtedly true, but was she always that perceptive? I found it hard to believe that she spent any amount of time comparing us, the way everyone else seemed to.

"Why me?"

"You didn't take advantage of me all those times when I was so weak. I mean, I guess it all makes sense now…" she remarked stonily, looking away from the cool glass. "Even when you had nothing to lose, you didn't try to make me yours."

"I didn't love you; I still don't and never will. I belong with _Hikaru_. I will never make you happy."

"You think I don't know that?!" the girl shrieked. Every word I had spoken had twisted her face a little bit, and thus, the offended result. "Do you think I care?! I'm trying to help both of us, Kaoru, but you've always only cared about yourself!"

"You stupid brat! Every single person alive has key interests to keep them sane and alive! Mine is Hikaru, and yours seems to be blind, ignorant persistence! Leave us alone!" I shouted back, as Hikaru would have wished it.

"Shut up! I won't take this from you, if you_ cooperate_ like a good boy!"

"Who's being selfish here?! I just want you to be smarter about this! _Talk_ to your family!"

_'Just stay away from us! We're finally to a point where we can fix this! Don't touch our happiness!'_

"Why do you think I'm here, Kaoru?" She was getting desperate. "I tried talking, reason, threats, bargains…they won't let me escape this. I'm not asking for you to love me, just to save me from them." Suki's eyes turned on me, filling and spilling pathetically. I refused to crumble under her tactics.

"One week. Give it a week. Go back home, and do what you have to to work it out. If not, we can come back here and do this again."

"It won't change anything," she protested, working herself up again, but I interrupted her.

"Just do it! If it doesn't change anything, there still shouldn't be any immediate consequences!"

Suki opened and shut her mouth, searching for something to say, and I took advantage of her momentary break in words to make a dramatic exit, slamming the door as she called out, "Wait!"

Kyouya and Hikaru were waiting outside, apparently having half-heard the negotiation/argument.

"One week? What do you intend to change in a week?" Kyouya asked, jumping up as I attempted to brush past him.

"Not here," I whispered, not breaking pace until we stood securely at the far end of my and Hikaru's room.

Both boys watched me with questions in their expressions.

"Urm…I'm open to suggestions…" I muttered.

They must have—for some reason—expected some intricate, baffling plan, and both seemed angry with my empty words.

"We can think of something!" I encouraged feebly. Kyouya crossed his arms. Hikaru rubbed his eyes. I held my breath, waiting for—

"Kaoru, I'm not bailing you two out of this one; think of something yourselves," Kyouya announced, sitting in Hikaru's favorite armchair.

"Kyouya-senpai…" Hikaru sounded so betrayed, and I sighed heavily, expecting no less from either of them.

"I understand. Will you still give me advice if I ask?" I requested, ready to be shot down again.

"If you think it will help," he replied instead with a shrug. "Kaoru, you've majorly screwed yourself on this one."

"Yeah. He doesn't pick the best friends," Hikaru shot darkly.

"Hikaru, Kyouya-senpai has already done more than a lifetime could repay…for _both_ of us. We should be grateful; I mean, it's really _not_ his problem."

"What do you mean, Kaoru? Hikaru is completely accurate: you have poor judgment when it comes to people."

"What do you mean?" I murmured nervously.

His words held a heavy sense of foreboding, and I felt myself begin to tremble again. They were like electricity, running through my body and all around me.

The door opened suddenly, and there stood Suki beside my parents, a secret, triumphant smile on her face.

"Kaoru, Hikaru, I think you need to explain some things," Father said quietly at the same time Mother bellowed, "What's been going on?!"

How…

How _could _she?!


	18. The Interloper

Hikaru and I stood there as Kyouya and Suki filed out. Mother's face was stony, and Father kept most of his attention on her.

"Let me explain," Hikaru said quietly, glancing at me under hooded eyes. "It's definitely not what you think."

"Son, I think it's _exactly_ what I've been told it is. I've spoken with the staff we left here, and they all say the same things."

"How do you know they're not lying?" he hazarded, keeping away from the issue.

"They do the _laundry,_ Hikaru," our father explained in a very low voice. I wondered where I put my paper bag for a moment before experiencing a nose-tingling, plunging sensation. I was almost dizzy.

"I love Hikaru," I whispered, eyes trained on the ground. "He loves me. We're all we need. Please understand: no one could ever know me like him, and I wouldn't want that from anyone but him."

"Kaoru…" Hikaru murmured with an expression I'd never seen on anyone before slapped on his face.

"It's better to just be honest sometimes," I told him.

"Kaoru, you know what you're saying, don't you? Boys, this isn't…_right_! What…" Mother cried, hands moving around her words. "What did we do wrong, to have such confused sons?!"

"Mom, we're not confused!" Hikaru jumped in. "For once, I'm actually _positive_ about what I want. I need Kaoru, and I'm not going to leave him, no matter what."

"You…" her eyes grew tight and cold. "We'll see."

She stormed out, leaving behind our father.

"Aren't you going to say it, too?" Hikaru demanded, hand finding my shoulder. "We're sick, aren't we?"

"Oh, sons," he sighed, smiling in that hard-to-describe fatherly way. "If…If this makes you happy…as long as it stays fairly secret, I will support you."

Hikaru was dumbfounded, but I smiled at the man. Kyouya reentered the room as our father asked, "But are you sure this is what you want?"

"Hitachiin-san, I believe your wife is terrorizing the maids. It would be pertinent to fetch her before she makes this into a major scene," he sniffed, though not unkindly for him.

As our father sighed and excused himself, Hikaru held me close to him.

"At least he's on our side," I whispered, feeling my twin nod in agreement into my neck.

"Now, where'd that bitch go?" he growled, turning to Kyouya.

"Home," the other replied, straightening his glasses. "She's giving you that week now."

"Damn whore," Hikaru swore, slipping out of my grasp.

I couldn't disagree.

How could I defend her anymore?

Hikaru was rightly infuriated.

"Meddlesome bitch!" he continued, kicking the bed viciously before falling atop it with a thump.

"What now, Kaoru?" Kyouya pressed gently, scrutinizing gaze dissecting my resolve.

"I…I think I'll have a chat with Akira when he comes home from college tomorrow."

"He's in college?" the bespectacled boy asked, mildly interested.

"Sophomore," I replied, biting my lip. "I want to know just how much she's been lying to me."

* * *

Aikawa Akira sounded, through reputation, to be much like Ootori Kyouya. Top of his class, heir to his family, cool, collected, calculating…

…and not to mention evil to the core.

Sitting across from him in my won living room, I was experiencing an odd emotion of split disappointment and relief, as the young man before me appeared nothing like what I'd expected.

Of course, it should first be addressed exactly _how_ he came to be sitting in my living room…

* * *

Suki had told me some days before that her brother would be coming home from university—_Tokyo_ University—on the day following her little coup. I had mentally filed this away without even realizing I would need it for this or any occasion. 

"But how do we contact him, Kaoru?" Hikaru demanded icily. I felt storm clouds beginning to rise around him and I swallowed my fear, nearly choking on it.

"That's where you come in, Kyouya-senpai," I said, turning to the frowning afore-mentioned. "Surely your family would have done business with the Aikawa family in the past! Can't you dredge up a number?"

"Not Akira-san's, no. Possibly the main house number; but I already said I wouldn't help, Kaoru," came the frosty response.

"Smirk all you want, Kyouya-_senpai_," Hikaru sneered, "but this is serious!" He turned to me. "Kaoru, how can you _possibly_ expect meeting with this 'Akira' will solve anything?"

To which I smiled and said, "I don't." Soon afterwards, Kyouya agreed to help me.

With his aide, I managed to contact his cell phone through the main house, and we spoke for the first time.

_"Aikawa Akira. Who is this?"_ His voice sounded guarded.

"…Hitachiin Kaoru," I said, holding my breath and wondering just what Suki had told him, or her family for that matter.

There was a pause.

And a sigh.

_"…Ah. I suppose you want to speak to me about my sister."_

"Probably not about what you'd expect, but yes. I think it's a fairly important matter."

_"Of course. I'll be in town tomorrow…as you've probably heard. I'll come by at night, to avoid…complications."_

"I understand. Thank you very much for your time."

_"Not at all."_

I hung up the phone, teeth grabbing my lower lip again.

Hikaru shot me a half-concerned glance.

"What'd he say?" he asked with a frown.

"He'll come by tomorrow night. I should tell Kyouya-senpai…" The Ootori had left some time earlier to procure the desired number. "I guess I'll call him."

"Don't bother," Hikaru spat, glaring at the wall. "Let the prick wonder."

I sat down next to him, grabbing his hand and squeezing it gently. "Don't be mad. Please, don't be angry with him. I've always been selfish with him; he might have just had enough."

"What kind of friend leaves when it's inconvenient?" he growled. His eyes held a deeper hurt than I'd expected, especially considering how he'd never lingered when it would be _'inconvenient'_for him.

_'Is that it? Is he _jealous_ because of something like that?'_ I wondered.

"Hikaru, you know I love you, right?"

He blinked, looking over at me.

"Well, yes but—"

I shut him up with a kiss.

"Then stop worrying about Kyouya-senpai and relax. We'll figure this out."

The door flew open and we jumped apart as our mother stormed into the room.

"Okay, boys; just because I can't stop your…_unnatural_ relationship does _not_ mean I'll encourage it. From now on, I want you two sleeping in separate wings. There are plenty of open rooms. I don't care who it is, but you can't _both_ sleep in here!" she bellowed, stance defiant, bleeding authority.

"I'm afraid I have to agree with your mother on this one," Father said, timidly joining the room and standing beside our mother.

"No," Hikaru said plainly, hand rejoining mine.

"What do you mean, 'no'?" Mother demanded. "It isn't up to you!"

"I can't sleep without Kaoru here. I worry too much."

"Hikaru…" I whispered, squeezing his fingers. "I can't sleep without Hikaru either," I said in a louder voice.

"You two…I will not let up on this one! You will both separate at night! I will not allow you to…to…"

"We won't have sex anymore, if that's what you want," Hikaru tried to compromise, bluntness making me wince a little. "We won't separate because of _that._ What we have means more than that."

"Boys, it's not just the sex…We think you've just been together too long. You're mixing that up with love. You just need time apart."

"Father, we've been apart before, and it hurt so much…I _hated_ it, Father!" I explained with emotion. "He was gone, and it hurt so much…"

"Only because you'd always been a pair!" Mother shrieked. "Oh…why couldn't you have been _normal_? Don't you want families and children of your own?" the woman sobbed, making a complete emotional 360. She pulled out a handkerchief, fleeing the room—again—like a miffed toddler, leaving our father to make things right again.

"Looks like we won," I commented dryly as he slinked out behind his wife, turning to my twin. He was looking away from me. "Hikaru?" I reached for him, but he flinched away from my touch, pulling his other hand out of mine to cover his face.

"Hikaru, what's wrong?"

"I'm s-sorry," he blubbered, beginning to sob. "I…I really _did_ hurt you, didn't I?"

"Hikaru, that's all gone now. We're here, where we are, all because we can both be hurt so much. Don't you feel happy?" I asked, making him let me touch him, rubbing his back as I watched him shake.

"Who w-would be hap-py knowing that they h-hurt the only person they care about, Kaoru?" I forced his body around so I could hold him to me, smiling as he cried like a baby.

"Because I'm happy _now_, Hikaru. Please believe that I am happy."

His fingers clutched at my shirt.

"I'm glad that me being sad makes you sad, Hikaru."

"Don't…Don't mention it," he snuffled, head on my shoulder long after his tears had run dry.

"What do you want to do tomorrow? We don't have school."

"Let's go to the Ferris wheel," he mumbled into my skin. "You like them, right?"

I laid us down, pulling the sheets over his shoulders as I consoled him still.

"Okay, but what about you. What do _you_ want to do?"

"Baseball…game…" he murmured drowsily.

"All right. Now, go to sleep. You must be tired."

"Long day…" he groaned, shifting his weight slightly.

"Yeah. It was, wasn't it?"

* * *

While the following day was spent in merriment and fun, I had been dreading the meeting the entire time. 

And soon enough, I was sitting before Aikawa Akira, fighting to keep my anxiety from swallowing my resolve.

"Hitachiin-san, I think it's best to talk through this matter quickly. I need to be back before I am discovered missing."

Neat, stylish black hair, expensive semi-casual dress, business-like manner, aura of importance…

His eyes set him apart from Kyouya.

Akira's eyes were blazing green beacons of hope and good intentions swirling around a dark pool of determination that I was familiar with. Of his well-defined and chiseled features, the eyes alone gave his face life and openness one would never find from Ootori Kyouya.

"Right. All right then. I suppose we should begin with…" I trailed off, sighed, and fixed him with a challenging glare. "I need to know your intentions towards Suki."

The look on his face told me all I needed to know.

"What…What are you talking about?" He sounded taken aback, and looked no less.

"You never wanted to marry her, did you?" My gut was feeling comfortable in my shoes, chilling the rest of me. My face was numb. My teeth couldn't even anchor themselves to my lip.

"No!" he denied sharply. "Originally, that was my parents' idea, but there's nothing to gain from taking her as my wife, political, emotional, or otherwise." Akira was shaking his head. "We both decided to defy them in that aspect; she really is like my sister."

Now his arms crossed and he leaned back to observe me critically. "Why? What are _your_ intentions towards my sister, Kaoru-san? I've heard a fair bit about you…"

"Nothing in particular," I muttered, keeping my gaze away from his eyes that pierced me in the same way only one other's could. "We're supposed to be friends."

" _'Supposed'_ to be? What's been happening?"

I offered him a grimace, looking at him between his eyes.

"She's blackmailing me."

"Ah. And you _were_ friends before?"

"Yes! We were fairly close," I stated defensively.

"…Are you sure?"

My mouth ran dry as a new emotion entered his face.

One I didn't ever appreciate.

"What has she…been doing?"

"Suki told me everything, Kaoru-san. The Hitachiin family really would be an opportune alliance for the Aikawas."

I stood up, knocking over my chair.

"You've been…from the beginning…"

He smirked at me, green flaring and darkening. The emotion I'd glimpsed before blossomed into an ugly spectacle of overbearing arrogance.

"We have plenty of evidence against you, _Kaoru._" He dropped the honorific, fixing me with a diseased smile. "I suggest you cooperate. The business opportunity is great for you as well."

"You…You came into town because…"

"Yes. We passed a proposal to your parents earlier while you were out on your little 'date'; they'd be foolish to pass up this chance, especially since we're poised to buy out one of your prominent minor enterprises."

I stood there, feeling a panic attack well up in my gut, still in my shoes.

"I'll just see myself out," he said, rising and brushing off his coat. "I'll be looking _forward_ to our next encounter."

As the door closed behind him, I fell to the floor, hands and knees barely supporting me as racking heaves came from my lungs and diaphragm.

I wanted to call Hikaru, or Kyouya, or even my parents at this point.

I knew how I probably looked—pathetic and incapable—but I truly couldn't stand up to escort myself to where Hikaru was, no matter how much I needed him.

I fell over on my side, lungs fighting to inflate.

"—karu…Hikaru…" I whispered, feeling my consciousness drifting in and out…

…and used my last moments of awareness to switch off the tape recorder in my pocket.

* * *

I came to with Hikaru stroking my hair. 

"Was it that bad?" he asked quietly.

"Yes, in fact. With Kaoru's weak constitution, I'm amazed he didn't begin the attack earlier."

I sat up, struggling past Hikaru's half-hearted attempts to keep me down. Kyouya set the tape recorder down on the bed beside me.

"It's…well, it doesn't look good for you two. They really planned this well."

"But…why _Kaoru_?" Hikaru demanded. "We're not the richest or the most hospitable or even the best connected! Why not milord?"

Kyouya frowned at him, but explained, "Kaoru is probably more of a trophy to Suki. Akira-san probably told her to pick one of all of us to target. She could have been drawn to Kaoru for any number of reasons."

"It's not _fair_!" my brother shouted after a long pause. I patted his arm softly.

"And what _is_ fair, Hikaru? Why do you deserve to be happy? What extraordinary thing have you ever done to justify your getting your every wish and whim?"

Hikaru blanched, looking down.

"It's not supposed to be fair, Hikaru," I said with penetrating bitterness.

We were in our room, as I could only realize as my vision cleared.

"What now?" I wondered aloud, room resonating with the misery of its masters.

"Plan our next move," Kyouya said with a trace of a smile. "Akira-_san_ may be intelligent, but he's never fought with someone like me before."

Kyouya's words always held power.


	19. The Plan

We had to go to school, if only to escape the house. Mother's new favorite hobby was to sniff around our room like a bloodhound with no leads.

It was aggravating and pathetic.

School was no different than it had been before, much to our immense relief.

"Morning Haruhi," we sang in unison, arriving in homeroom.

"Hey guys. Where's your appendage?"

I shrugged.

"Your guess is as good as ours," growled Hikaru.

"Good riddance, I'm assuming?"

"Nah, she's not done with us yet."

"Not while we have any speck of joy left…" my brother muttered, frown ruining his face.

"Well, she's not here, so relax. I don't know what's been up with you guys lately, but you all need to chill out."

"All?" I asked carefully.

"Kyouya-senpai seems stressed lately…"

"What about milord?" Hikaru jumped in, ignoring my immediate jealousy.

'_Does he really still care?'_

"I…can't talk about that idiot right now," the girl grumbled, face incredibly red.

I slung my arm around her shoulders, deciding to let it go.

"He's not _that_ bad," I teased, making her turn an even more interesting purple color.

"Kaoru, I will end you," the girl hissed, shoving me away. I stumbled slightly, and the three of us laughed.

It really _was_ better when we could all get along.

When the scars all of us held, visible and internal, could be covered with cloth and pride…

"Did you two do your math?"



"Uh…" we both groaned, looking at each other.

"A lot's been happening—"

"Our parents won't stop bugging us—"

"I was really tired—"

"We had to do some research for Kyouya-senpai—"

"So… 'no' then?" she smirked, listening to our half-hearted excuses, before freezing and looking at me. "Research?"

Hikaru glared in my direction.

"Nothing important," he growled. Putting on a more pleasant face, he said, "Can we copy yours, dear Haruhi?"

"No. _Kaoru_ can, but not selfish losers like you," she said with a lofty smile and held out her notebook to me. I accepted with my own smile.

"Fine; he'll let me copy his when he's finished," Hikaru shot back.

"Nope," I smirked, sitting down and beginning to write. "Not if she won't." Haruhi patted my shoulder, laughing loudly.

"You're united against me then?" he scoffed airily.

I went cold, fingers freezing completely.

I couldn't help but flash back to that shower…

Haruhi and I against him…

I leapt up.

"No! It's not like that!" I explained with a tone akin to begging…

Imploring him to understand…

"Kaoru…we're just messing around," Haruhi murmured, very aware of the eyes on us.

"Kaoru?"

I sat back down hastily, turning very red, and resumed my cheating.



"Forget it," I mumbled when Hikaru's eyes remained on my back.

He and Haruhi stayed standing awkwardly as I sped through the rest of the homework, probably making loads of mistakes, but I finished, shoving the original work back at Haruhi. My legs jolted me upright and into the hall.

They wouldn't let me escape.

We wound up back in the bathroom with the couch.

The one where I'd consoled Haruhi…

I was even redder, staring at the floor instead of my companions.

"Kaoru, nothing's wrong, okay?" Just…just forget all of those things," Hikaru said gently.

"Yeah. All that stuff's behind us now," Haruhi added earnestly.

"Really? So it doesn't bother you at all?" I demanded cruelly, still not looking at either of them. "You don't feel anything for each other?"

"Kaoru, we've been over this," my brother snapped.

"There's nothing strong enough to patch us together again, but it's not like nothing happened, Kaoru," Haruhi explained timidly. "I don't think I'll ever feel anything like I did with Hikaru, because he was really my first love, but I can move on with the good and the bad memories." Her smile was from the heart. "We just couldn't keep up with each other. He needs you, Kaoru."

I continued staring at the couch.

"That's why I was glad I kissed you, Kaoru; it made me realize that it was supposed to be the two of you, not me. I…" She paused, as if mustering her willpower, "I wish you tow the best of happiness."

And she excused herself, returning to the classroom.

I hazarded a glance at Hikaru, who smiled happily at me.

"See?" he murmured to me. "I wasn't meant for her; only you. We were born together, and we'll die together, and we'll be together at all points in between. That's what's meant for us, Kaoru."

I gladly fell into his arms, filled with love.

With Hikaru, I could begin to mend.



Sunday was an event in the Host Club, this time a commoner fair with cotton candy and rides and stalls where one could win prizes.

Beat Kyouya at chess and win a stuffed bear (he lost to the more influential guests on purpose, of course).

Win flowers and kisses from Tamaki by ringing a bottle with a large metal washer.

Hunny and Mori were running the Ferris wheel, though a guest could request any member to ride with them at certain intervals throughout the day. I rode frequently, still loving the feel of wind on my face.

Haruhi was handing out snacks and prizes and sitting in for Kyouya when he had to run maintenance, though she wandered around to all of the other events frequently.

Hikaru and I were acting as fortune tellers for our guests.

"Oh, do mine, Kaoru!" Sachiko, the horse-lover, squealed as I took out a deck of Tarot cards.

I smiled, moving her way. I shuffled and let her cut the cards, setting them and flipping them over in turn.

"Well now…" I chuckled, surveying the mess. "Four of swords…six of cups…Temperance? You've been a bit selfish. Don't' worry; the Wheel of Fortune is in your future, so things will be changing a bit. Your problems should show how they can be resolved soon enough."

"Hey Kaoru!" Hikaru called. I turned to look at him. "Come here; they want me to read your Arcana."

I sighed dramatically, sweeping the cards together.

"Excuse me, princess. My services are required elsewhere."

Hikaru shuffled the cards, letting me cut them. I only touched them as much as was required, treating them as if they were poisonous.

Hikaru fixed me with a significant look before flipping the first card. It seemed to try to relieve me of some future pain. It made me so nervous, just facing him.

The first card he flipped was Judgment, upside-down. The woman's face glared up at me from her frame. Next came the Empress…the Lovers…the Hanged Man…and the final card, Hikaru picked up and looked at instead of flipping it for everyone to see. His skin turned a shocking white.

"What the hell…" he mumbled, stealing a glance of the cheat sheet he'd stashed under the table.

He swept all of the cards together, but that didn't hide the slick slipping of the offending card up his sleeve.

"What was it Hikaru?" the girls squealed in near-unison.



He just shook his head.

"I must have read it wrong," he smiled, re-dealing the cards with out letting me cut. The entire deck was out now.

"Your past is still confused, even or especially in your mind. Your present is brightening, a dawn of new life. The future remains unclear, but perseverance should bring desired results," he narrated dully.

Cups and pentacles, swords and wands were confused as I swept the cards off to the side, staring right into his eyes.

'_Which was it?'_ my eyes asked. _'Which card did you throw away?'_

He sighed, but picked it out of his sleeve and slipped it in my pocket.

"Look at it later. And _promise_ you won't get all superstitious on me!"

"Is it Death?" I wondered aloud, actually intrigued by that point.

"Later!" he hissed, rolling a crystal ball over his shoulders before setting it on its illuminated stand. I sighed, returning to my abandoned princess.

"Sorry about that…" I apologized, pulling together the cards I'd left out.

The card remained in my pocket, leaving me to grow anxious about it all afternoon.

At the end of the day, after being dismissed by a very enthusiastic Tamaki, I reported to Kyouya.

"Did you see her? I didn't," he frowned at my approach.

"We didn't either. She hasn't been in class since then either. We definitely got our _space_," Hikaru bit wryly.

"I don't think she'll come back until she's incredibly confident," I offered quietly.

"I've been wondering…you have your father's support, yes?"

"Yeah, but he won't take up against Mom."

"Not _that_ dragon-lady."

"Quiet!" he ordered. We obeyed. "It'll take time, but I am fairly certain this will work."

"Kyouya-senpai…are you—" I stopped my question before I made the mistake of second-guessing the dangerous individual.



"Yeah," Hikaru picked up on my thought. "What's in this for _you_?"

He grinned a devilish grin.

"We're about to find out, aren't we?" He regained his business face. "You two go home. I'll call if I require your services."

We left the music room silently, but burst into questions as soon as we reached the stairwell. They weren't vocalized questions, but we both understood the other.

They all amounted to a general, _'What is he up to?'_

"I don't know," we both said together.

"Bad feeling?"

"Oh, certainly love," I agreed, climbing into the car. "Now…"

I reached into my pocket, pulling out the card…

…and promptly dropped it on the seat.

'_Why couldn't it have just been Death?'_

The Tower.

He'd pulled the Tower on me.

The Tower was a tricky card. The picture itself was enough to give me chills. It was a stone watchtower, blazing, with people raining out the windows and roof.

No cause for the fire was given.

Lightning was flashing around the building, but it didn't touch it.

And what lightning could burn _stone_?!

But the card had several interpretations, not all bad.

Only most of them were.

I couldn't help but break my promise when I saw a card like _that_ in my future.

It roughly meant that all reason, all justice, all _control_ was thrown to the wind. I had no say, no way to shape my future. Others could build me up or burn me down…with lightning?

A giant storm was surely brewing.

"I told you to calm down," Hikaru sighed, rising and offering me his arms.

I wrapped myself in them, trying to take in every moment.

"I'm scared. I don't think Kyouya-senpai can help us now…"

"Well, I can't screw your brain out with dear Mom and Dad sniffing around like this, but why don't we lie down?" he said archly, scratching my back in torturous motions. "I think I can distract you for at least a little while.

Why could he do this to me?

"O-okay."

Our everything lined up.

We were absolute in this way.

Infinite.

"Kaoru?"

"Yes, Hikaru?"

"I'll protect you from anything; you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know."

"Don't worry so much."

"Okay."

One of his hands rubbed my stomach.

Mine clutched at his shirt.

"Hikaru…they could come in any second."

He kissed my temple, lips lingering at my ear lobe, dragging through my hair.

I kissed his cheek in response, blowing hot air across his face through my nose.

His teeth found my skin, and I let out an indignant cry, smacking him and pulling back my head.



"No _biting_!"

His lupine smile held hunger and want in it, causing me some inner turmoil.

'_To indulge or put a foot down…'_

Tempting…

I'd so loved to have given him everything he wanted.

But…

The door opening liberated me from my decision.

We didn't scare apart, instead merely glancing over at the disturbance.

"Kyouya-senpai? Dad? Why're you here?" Hikaru asked for me, sitting us both up.

"We've been…discussing some things. I think that you should hear them too." At our expression, our father continued. "We have a resident estate relatively near here; an extra half-hour or so to and from school, but perfectly inhabitable. It shouldn't be a problem."

"And we can go there?" I asked at the same time Hikaru demanded, "And run away?!"

We frowned at each other.

"Hikaru, I don't care about pride or fighting, I care about _you_."

"Kaoru, they wouldn't stop with just that." He glanced up at Kyouya. "There has to be more to this."

"It's only the first part of my plan," the Ootori supplied, setting his laptop up in front of us.

Windows were all over the screen, covered in tiny, complicated text.

"What the hell is this, Mom?" Hikaru yawned, not even trying to read the screen.

"Profiles, portfolios, statistics…basically everything's you need to throw the Aikawas' attention on these suitable substitutes. Of course, a certain amount of…_persuasion_ is required. You have to show these to Akira-san, definitely _not_ to Suki. And you have to be a good little boy and _not_ mention my name to him."

"Wait…why?"

He smiled and gave a simple, "Future business."

"Kyouya-senpai, can you explain this to again? Small words, if you don't mind; I'm tired," my brother drawled, frown becoming more pronounced.



"All right, the battle plan," he sighed, snapping his computer shut and stowing it back in his bag. "You move to the secondary estate. I'm fairly certain that Suki operated without orders from Akira-san by informing your parents about the relationship, and if that action prompted poor results, he won't trust her as much; he'll keep her restrained. She's momentarily removed from the equation."

He met our eyes in turn to make sure we were keeping up with him. I was a little lost already, but continued listening.

"Then, Kaoru, you meet up with Akira-san and tell him about the promising young men I've compiled—they're all without ties to us and none of them have significant companionship, as well as being well-equipped…financially—and try to convince him that since you'll be "losing your familial bonds" that you'll be of no use to him in his corporate empire. Of course…there is a slight catch…"

He straightened his glasses as we both looked on in impatience and anxiety.

"Kaoru is the only one who will be in the secondary estate—initially, that is," he amended, seeing Hikaru's face. "After things cool down, you can both move into an apartment in the city. Or return here, if things work out for the best. Either way…" He trailed off, obviously thinking something over to himself.

"What if Akira-_san_ doesn't accept the offer?"

Kyouya grew a dangerous smile. "Then we move on to Plan B, if I may use a cliché."

"And what's "Plan B"?!" Hikaru demanded, apparently having tolerated as much of Kyouya's arrogance as possible for him.

"If it comes up, you'll be the first to know," replied the icy genius. His glasses flashed.

"I can convince your mother to send one of you away. Kaoru can pretend to be Hikaru if necessary."

"I don't like this," Hikaru pouted, arms crossed.

"We know," Father said, sitting beside him and patting his shoulder. "Just bear with us for a bit, okay? This can work. And even if it doesn't, we—"

Kyouya cut him off with a sharp clearing of the throat.

Hikaru and I glanced at each other.

'_They're up to something…'_

"What if I refuse?" I began, tilting my head in inquisition. "What if we refuse this plan?"

"Then don't ask for my help," Kyouya sniffed.

Father stepped in, saying, "We really think this is the best way."

"Then tell us the other plans!" Hikaru ordered, past the point of shouting.

"Hikaru, calm down. We need to be good about this."

"Kaoru, they're planning something! If you're going to be gone, I need to know _why_!"

"If you really want to know, this plan fits two purposes," Kyouya cut in before my brother could work himself up again. "It puts us in a position to try to challenge Akira-san, and it splits up the two of you."

"But…_why_?!" I was dumbfounded; I thought that both of them were on our side.

"Well, you see son, it's just…_unnatural_ for twins to…to do what you've done. I was hoping some time apart would…well, not "set you straight", but maybe…let you think about it a little more clearly…"

"I've already made up my mind; Kaoru has too. We're going to be together, and no one can stop that!" Hikaru thundered, grasping my hand in both of his.

"Kyouya-senpai, I thought you supported us," I murmured. "I thought you were on our side."

"I side only with profit," he sighed, chin high. "I thought you'd have realized that by now."

"Is my father paying you? Or how about the Aikawas?" Hikaru shot with a severe frown.

"No, nothing like that. I should benefit by the end of this, however."

"Fucking how?!"

A cold, determined grin.

"You'll see."

It was late, and I held Hikaru's head to my heart, rubbing up and down his neck.

I would have to leave the next morning for the second estate, but we still had the night to make our own.

I had locked the door, just in case.

"Kaoru, no matter how this turns out, you're mine; and I won't let them touch you."

"I know," I smiled, ruffling his hair. "I wish we could just leave."

"Not possible."

"That's why it's just a wish."

He rubbed my torso absently, making me twitch as I fought the urge to writhe in pleasure.

My hands migrated to knead his back in response.

We were beginning to heat up, but Hikaru stopped suddenly, pushing his body away from mine.

"What? What is it?"

"Kaoru, I can't do this. If we do it now, I'll only want more…and I'll _keep_ wanting. Let's…Let's just sleep tonight. When everything gets settled, then we can do this, but…" he looked at me with haunted, agonized eyes. "I promise that we'll have the chance to do this again. I just can't do this now."

I nodded, inviting him back to my body, swiftly chilling in the open air. He pulled me up to sit beside him, clutching my face in his hands.

"I love you, Kaoru," he whispered passionately.

"I love you, Hikaru," I replied, letting my own hands rest dumbly in my lap. He kissed me tenderly, rolling us back down to the mattress, our previous reclining positions reversed.

I concentrated on the tingling warmth of his hand as it caressed my shoulder and upper arm.

"I'm going to miss you," he murmured, voice filling me up completely.

"Me too," I replied, voice quivering.

"It'll be fine. Kyouya-senpai knows his stuff."

"I know, but…" I pressed into him. "You didn't meet _him_, Hikaru. He's…terrifying."

"You'll be safe," he soothed, cradling me into him.

Oh, how I wanted—_craved_—more intimate reassurance on possibly the last night I could spend in that way with Hikaru, but he was so warm…I didn't want to move.

'_If there is a god, please…_please_ don't take this away from me,'_ I prayed fervently.

Sleep grudgingly took away my troubles, and I dreamed nothing memorable that night.

* * *

Finally. Sorry and thank you for your patience. For you guys, In This Legacy is coming soon; I just need to type it. You guys are the greatest.


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